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BILL COSBY
I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.
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BILL COSBY
My wife and I have five children and the reason why we have five children is because we do not want six.
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BILL COSBY
[talking about his first child] My mother looked at it and said, "Oh, how precious." I don't know why she said it. Well, I didn't know then. I know now, because my mother put a curse on me. A long time ago, I remember when I was a child what she said, and I later found out that mothers, all mothers, put a curse on their children. They say, "I hope, when you get married, you have some children who act exactly the same way that you act." And this curse works! I mean, it started with that child! My wife and I have not been intellectuals since. Oh, my wife was pretty good for a while, but it didn't last that long. It didn't last two years.
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BILL COSBY
My wife and I were intellectuals before we had children. We were very, very bright people. My wife graduated from the University of Maryland, child psychology major with a B-plus average, which means that if you ask her a question about a child's behavior, she will give you at least an 85 answer. I, from Temple University, physical education major with a child psychology minor, which means that if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will tell you to tell the child to take a lap.
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BILL COSBY
Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!
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BILL COSBY
God has a sense a humor and God said, "Let him have a girl." Plop. Came out. And I had my child there, first born at home, and it does something to you when you're a father. You're home, you know, really home. And the baby was dirty, she'd made a little poo-poo. My wife and I were so happy when the child made the poo-poo. We asked the child...
BILL COSBY
"Are you the one who made the poo-poo? C'mon, you made the poo-poo. You can poopy... "
BILL COSBY
And the baby said...
BILL COSBY
I said, "That's right, you want to make the poo-poo, you poo-poo when you want to poo-poo."
BILL COSBY
And my wife and I were so happy, we showed it to each other.
BILL COSBY
Did you see the poo-poo? Oh, that's a beautiful poo-poo!
BILL COSBY
We called our parents up, "Come over and see the poo-poo!" They came over. "Oh, my God, will you look at the poo-poo!" Two months later, God put odor in the poo-poo, and it became a mess. Parents didn't want to change the child anymore. And they talked to the child...
BILL COSBY
"Will you look at what you just did?"
BILL COSBY
"No, I didn't want to see that. You made a mess! Yucky! Icky! Messy!"
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BILL COSBY
[talking about fathers having gas and blaming it on imaginary animals] Now here comes my mother: "All right, dinner!... Oh, Lord, what happened in here?" "Mom, there's an elephant under Dad's chair." "Did you see it?" "No, but it lifted Dad up about two feet."
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BILL COSBY
Every father says the same thing: "Where's your mother?"
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BILL COSBY
The weirdest thing about drugs is that people on it start to laugh, and no one knows what their laughing at, they just go: [he starts talking in a high-pitched voice] "Ahh... No, wait a minute... I went over to the... WHOOO!... Ahh... I went over to the Burger King... And so a guy took a piece of meat... and threw it on the grill... I said 'Oh, wow!'... Then he turned it over... It was all brown!... I said 'Far out!'... And then he put it in between two pieces of bread... I said 'Oh, no!'... and a guy ate it."
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BILL COSBY
Now, this is the fun part about getting stoned. They get stoned, then they become paranoid. Now, when they started out, they said, "Let's get high and have fun." So they're high; now they're paranoid. "Am I falling out of this chair?"
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