0
CARL SPACKLER
This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.
0
CARL SPACKLER
I got to get into this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who's the gopher's ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.
0
CARL SPACKLER
This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion.
0
CARL SPACKLER
Bark like a dog.
0
CARL SPACKLER
Wait up, girls; I got a salami I gotta hide still.
0
CARL SPACKLER
I have to laugh, because I've outsmarted even myself. My enemy, my foe, is an animal. In order to conquer the animal, I have to learn to think like an animal. And, whenever possible, to look like one. I've gotta get inside this guy's pelt and crawl around for a few days.
0
CARL SPACKLER
Freeze Gopher!
0
[WITH HEAVY SCOTTISH BROUGUE]
Carl, I want you to kill all the gophers on the course.
CARL SPACKLER
Correct me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they'll lock me up and throw away the key.
SANDY
Not golfers, you great git! Gophers- the little brown, furry rodents!
CARL SPACKLER
We can do that. We don't even need a reason.
SANDY
Aye! Well, do it, man!
CARL SPACKLER
OK, but why don't we do the same thing, but with gophers? [Sandy storms off] It's not my fault I Don't understand what your saying
CARL SPACKLER
So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.
ANGIE
A looper?
CARL SPACKLER
A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald...striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver, he hauls off and whacks one- big hitter, the Lama- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? "Gunga galunga...gunga- gunga lagunga." So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know?" And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
0
TY WEBB
This your place, Carl?
CARL SPACKLER
Yeah, whatta ya think?
TY WEBB
It's really... awful.
CARL SPACKLER
Well, I got a lot of stuff on order. You know... credit trouble.
0
CARL SPACKLER
[standing in an ornamental flowerbed] What an incredible Cinderella story! This unknown, comes out of nowhere, to lead the pack at Augusta. He's at the final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2-iron, I think. [swings, pulverizes a flower] Oh, he got all of that. The crowd is standing on its feet here at Augusta. The normally reserved crowd is going wild... [pauses] for this young Cinderella who's come out of nowhere. He's got about 350 yards left, he's going to hit about a 5-iron, it looks like, don't you think? He's got a beautiful backswing... [swings, pulverizes another flower] that's- oh, he got all of that one! He's gotta be pleased with that! The crowd is just on its feet here. He's a Cinderella boy. Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. He's got about 195 yards left, and he's got a, looks like he's got about an 8-iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent... Cinderella story, out of nowhere, former greenskeeper, now about to become the Masters champion. [swings, pulverizes yet another flower] It looks like a mirac- it's in the hole! It's in the hole!