3
GRU
Clearly, we need to set some ground rules. Rule number one: you will not touch anything.
MARGO
Uh-huh. What about the floor?
GRU
Yes, you may touch the floor.
MARGO
What about the air?
GRU
Yes, you may touch the air.
EDITH
(holding one of Gru's weapons) What about this?
GRU
Where did you get that?
EDITH
Found it.
GRU
Okay. Rule number two: you will not bother me while I'm working. Rule number three: you will not cry or whine or laugh or giggle or sneeze or barf or fart. So no-no-no annoying sounds.
AGNES
Does this count as annoying? (she lets go of Margo's hand and puckles her cheeks; Gru grabs her hands, looking very angry)
GRU
Very. (sighs irritably)
1
MARGO
(delivering Vector his cookies, some of which are robots) Four boxes of Mini-Mints, two Toffee-Totes, two Caramel Clumpies, and... fifteen boxes of Coconutties.
VECTOR
Exactly. I'd like to see somebody else order that many cookies. Not likely. Name one person who ordered more cookies than me.
MARGO
[unimpressed] That'll be $52.
VECTOR
Right. [going through his wallet] Seven, eight, nine-
AGNES
Why are you wearing pajamas?
VECTOR
[scoffs] These aren't pajamas! It's a warm-up suit.
EDITH
What are you warming up for?
VECTOR
Stuff.
MARGO
What sort of stuff?
VECTOR
Super cool stuff you wouldn't understand.
AGNES
Like sleeping?
VECTOR
They are not pajamas!
0
AGNES
[re the stuffed unicorn] He's so fluffy, I'm gonna die!
0
AGNES
[singing] Unicorns, I love them. Unicorns, I love them. Uni uni unicorns, I love them. Uni unicorns, I could pet one if they were really real. And they are! So I bought one so I could pet it. Now it loves me, now I love it. La lala la la...
0
AGNES
Pinkie promise?
GRU
Oh yes, my pinkie promises.
0
AGNES
I like him. He's nice.
EDITH
He's scary.
AGNES
Like Santa.
0
AGNES
Cool, lets go destroy some other rides!
-1
GRU
[to the girls] You will not cry, or sneeze or barf or fart! No annoying sounds.
AGNES
Does this count as annoying? [puckles her cheeks]
-1
GRU
Clearly we need to set a few rules. Rule number one: You will not touch anything.
MARGO
Aha. What about the floor?
GRU
Yes, you may touch the floor
MARGO
What about the air?
GRU
Yes, you may touch the air.
EDITH
What about this? [Holds a ray gun on her hands, the laser sight aimed right at Gru]
GRU
Ah! Where did you get that?
EDITH
Found it.
GRU
Rule number two: You will not bother me while I'm working. Rule number three: You will not cry, or whine, or laugh, or giggle, or sneeze or barf or fart! So no, no, no annoying sounds. All right?
AGNES
Does this count as annoying? [puckles her cheeks]
GRU
[Stops her] Very!
-1
GRU
Sorry to bother you Mr. Perkins, but I think you might want to see this! (shows the shrink ray) Huh? (shrinks one of his minions)
MR. PERKINS
Well now Gru, that's very impressive.
GRU
So, the rest of the plan is simple: (shows a picture) I fly to the moon. (shows another picture) I shrink the moon. (shows another picture) I grab the moon. (shows a poorly drawn picture) I sit on the toilet... wait; WHAT?! (the girls laugh) Sorry. Sorry! Could you excuse me for just one second? (to the girls) What are you doing?! I told you, don't touch my things, I told you, told you, told you a thousand times!
MARGO
Can we order pizza?
GRU
Pizza?! You just had lunch!
EDITH
Not now, for dinner.
GRU
Dinner? Just-- Fine, fine, whatever. Just get back in there!
MARGO
Can we get stuffed crust!
EDITH, AGNES AND MINION
Ooo, stuffed crust.
GRU
I'LL STUFF YOU ALL IN THE CRUST!
AGNES
(laughs) You're funny!
GRU
Just don't come out of that room again. (closes the door; to Mr. Perkins) Sorry about that. Where were we?
MR. PERKINS
You were sitting on the toilet.
GRU
No, no, no. That was a little attempt to humor. I know how much you love to laugh... (Mr. Perkins looks at him angrily) ...inside. So, anyway... (notices the door open)
MR. PERKINS
You don't seem terribly focused, Gru.
GRU
Believe me, I am completely focused.
EDITH
Look at that guy! He's huge.
AGNES
Are we on TV?
MR. PERKINS
What are those, children?!
GRU
What are you doing?! I told you to stay out of here! (chases the girls out of the room then backs away when Edith and Agnes aim the freeze ray at him) No, no, no!
EDITH
Freeze ray!
MR. PERKINS
Mr. Gru?
GRU
(his body is frozen except his head, his arms, and his butt) As I was saying--
MR. PERKINS
No need to continue, I've seen quite enough.
GRU
But my plan--
MR. PERKINS
Is a great plan, I love every little thing about you're little plan, except for one thing: you.
GRU
I don't understand.
MR. PERKINS
Let's face reality, Gru. You've been at this for far too long with far too little success.
GRU
But I--
MR. PERKINS
It's over. Goodbye, Gru. (crushes an apple and the TV turns off)