0
SERENDIPITY
When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains gotta to wake up.
0
SERENDIPITY
The whole book's gender-biased. A woman's responsible for original sin. A woman cuts Samson's coif of power. A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that book again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.
0
JAY
What are you, some kind of fucking chicken?
AZRAEL
No, I was an ARTIST, STUPID! I WAS INSPIRATION! A muse has no place in battle!
SERENDIPITY
So after the fallen were banished to hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons. [mockingly] Something he considers a GRAVE injustice!
AZRAEL
Ah, come on! Don't tell me you NEVER questioned the judgement, Serendipity.
SERENDIPITY
No. It never bothered me. So you were an artist! Big deal! Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. And that's why he's The King, and you're a schmuck.
0
SERENDIPITY
Bethany, you of anyone should know that tits dont make a woman. As you can see, I lack definition.
JAY
[off the screen] Hey! They're getting a free show! Let me see that shit!
0
SERENDIPITY
I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time.
BETHANY SLOANE
Nineteen?
SERENDIPITY
Yeah, the one about the kid, by himself in his house, burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.
0
SERENDIPITY
Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake. I can take anyone I meet and give a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself.
BETHANY SLOANE
no dialog
SERENDIPITY
Her quirky sense of humor.
0
SERENDIPITY
How? That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.
AZRAEL
Oh no, I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you may think you are to winning.
0
SERENDIPITY
Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.
-1
BARTLEBY
Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of sinning against our almighty God, and I promise you, you shall pay for your trespasses, in blood! (he rips open his shirt to reveal a silver breastplate; to Loki) Wings, now.
LOKI
I'm feeling a little exposed here...
BARTLEBY
DO IT!
AZRAEL
Get me a... Holy Bartender.
BARTENDER
Never heard of it.
AZRAEL
Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
SERENDIPITY
Don't...
AZRAEL
Ahh, anybody? No? (Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads) Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... (pulls out an Uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically) Get it?
SERENDIPITY
[restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael, why?
RUFUS
Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!
AZRAEL
Now, now, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you. (referring to Bethany)
SERENDIPITY
Are you really that stupid!? You do know what happens if those two jerks enter the church, don't you?
AZRAEL
I'm actually counting on it! And the pawns are moving into place as we speak...
JAY
[suddenly starts sniggering] Holy Bartender! I get it, that's great!