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GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Today... is Christmas! There will be a magic show at zero-nine-thirty! Chaplain Charlie will tell you about how the free world will conquer Communism with the aid of God and a few Marines! God has a hard-on for Marines because we kill everything we see! He plays His games, we play ours! To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep heaven packed with fresh souls! God was here before the Marine Corps! So you can give your heart to Jesus, but your ass belongs to the Corps! Do you ladies understand?
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Today... is Christmas! There will be a magic show at zero-nine-thirty! Chaplain Charlie will tell you about how the free world will conquer Communism with the aid of God and a few Marines! God has a hard-on for Marines because we kill everything we see! He plays His games, we play ours! To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep Heaven packed with fresh souls! God was here before the Marine Corps! So you can give your heart to Jesus, but your ass belongs to the Corps! Do you ladies understand?
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GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
How tall are you, private?
PRIVATE COWBOY
Sir, five-foot-nine, sir.
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Five-foot-nine, I didn't know they stacked shit that high!
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GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Jesus H. Christ! Private Pyle, why is your footlocker unlocked?
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
Sir, I don't know, sir!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Private Pyle, if there is one thing in this world that I hate, it is an unlocked footlocker! You know that, don't you?
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
If it wasn't for dickheads like you, there wouldn't be any thievery in this world, would there?
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
Sir, no, sir!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Get down!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Well now... let's just see if there's anything missing!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Holy Jesus! What is that? What the fuck is that?
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
WHAT IS THAT, PRIVATE PYLE?!
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
Sir, a jelly doughnut, sir!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
A jelly doughnut?!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
How did it get here?
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
Sir, I took it from the mess hall, sir!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Is chow allowed in the barracks, Private Pyle?
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Are you allowed to eat jelly doughnuts, Private Pyle?
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
And why not, Private Pyle?
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
Sir, because I'm too heavy, sir!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Because you are a disgusting fat body, Private Pyle!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Then why did you hide a jelly doughnut in your foot locker, Private Pyle?
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
Sir, because I was hungry, sir!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Because you were hungry?
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Private Pyle has dishonored himself and dishonored the platoon! I have tried to help him, but I have failed! I have failed because you have not helped me! You people have not given Private Pyle the proper motivation! So, from now on, whenever Private Pyle fucks up, I will not punish him, I will punish all of you! And the way I see it, ladies, you owe me for one jelly doughnut! Now, get on your faces!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
[to Pyle] Open your mouth!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
They're paying for it, you eat it!
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GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
What's your name, scumbag?
PRIVATE SNOWBALL
Sir, Private Brown, sir!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Bullshit! From now on you're Private Snowball. Do you like that name?
PRIVATE SNOWBALL
Sir, yes, sir!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Well there's one thing that you won't like, Private Snowball: they don't serve fried chicken and watermelon on a daily basis in my mess hall.
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GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
[singing] Ho Chi Minn is a son of a bitch.
RECRUITS
[singing] Ho Chi Minn is a son of a bitch.
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
[singing] Got the blueballs, crabs and the seven-year-itch!
RECRUITS
[singing] Got the blueballs, crabs and the seven-year-itch!
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GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Are you shook up? Are you nervous?
PRIVATE COWBOY
Sir, I am, sir.
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Do I make you nervous?
PRIVATE COWBOY
Sir?
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
"Sir" what? Were you about to call me an asshole?
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GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
You had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!
0
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Did your parents have any children that lived? ("Pyle" answers, "Sir yes sir!") I bet they regret that. You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece.
0
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Do you think I'm cute, Private Pyle? Do you think I'm funny?
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
Sir, no, sir!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face.
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
Sir, yes, sir.
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Well, any fucking time, sweetheart!
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
Sir, I'm trying, sir.
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Private Pyle I'm gonna give you three seconds; exactly three-fucking-seconds to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you! ONE! TWO! THREE!
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
Sir, I can't help it, sir.
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Bullshit! Get on your knees scumbag!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Now choke yourself.
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Goddamn it, with MY hand, numb-nuts!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Don't pull my fucking hand over there! I said choke yourself; now lean forward and choke yourself!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Are you through grinning?
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
[gagging] Sir, yes, sir.
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Bullshit, I can't hear you!
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
[louder] Sir, yes, sir.
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Bullshit, I STILL can't hear you! Sound off like you've got a pair!
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
SIR, YES, SIR!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
That's enough! Get on your feet. Private Pyle you had best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cufflinks or I will definitely fuck you up!
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GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Holy Jesus! What is that? What the fuck is that? WHAT IS THAT, PRIVATE PYLE?
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
Sir, a jelly doughnut, sir!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
A jelly doughnut?
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
How did it get here?
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
Sir, I took it from the mess hall, sir!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Is chow allowed in the barracks, Private Pyle?
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
Sir, no, sir!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Are you allowed to eat jelly doughnuts, Private Pyle?
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
And why not, Private Pyle?
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
Sir, because I'm too heavy, sir!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Because you are a disgusting fat body, Private Pyle!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Then why did you try to sneak a jelly doughnut in your footlocker, Private Pyle?
PRIVATE GOMER PYLE
Sir, because I was hungry, sir!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Because you were hungry...
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Private Pyle has dishonored himself and dishonored the platoon. I have tried to help him. But I have failed. I have failed because YOU have not helped me. YOU people, have not given Private Pyle the proper motivation! So, from now on, whenever Private Pyle fucks up, I will not punish him! I will punish all of YOU! And the way I see it ladies, you owe me for ONE JELLY DOUGHNUT! NOW, GET DOWN ON YOUR FACES!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
Open your mouth!
GUNNERY SERGEANT HARTMAN
They're payin' for it; YOU eat it! Ready! Exercise!