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GEORGE CARLIN
Now, you talk about a good bullshit story, HOLY SHIT!
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GEORGE CARLIN
Here's another example of overprotection. You ever notice on the TV-news every time some guy with an AK47 strolls on to a school yard and kills three or four kids and a couple of teachers, the next day... the next day the school in overrun with counsellors, and psychiatrics, and grief counsellors, and trauma therapists trying to help the child cope. Shit, when I was in school, someone came to our school and killed three or four of us; we went right on with our arithmetic: "35 classmates minus 4... equals 31". We were tough.
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GEORGE CARLIN
There's a lot of things you use to kill a guy with. You could probably beat a guy to death with a Sunday New York Times!
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GEORGE CARLIN
Lemme ask ya something. How's everybody doing tonight, huh?
GEORGE CARLIN
Good. Well, *fuck you!*
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GEORGE CARLIN
This is my idea for one of those big, outdoor summer festivals. This is called Slug Fest. This is for men only. Here's what you do. You get about a hundred thousand of these fucking men. You know the ones I mean. These macho motherfuckers. These strutting, preening, posturing, hairy, sweaty, alpha male jackoffs. The muscle assholes. You take about a hundred thousand of these disgusting pricks, and you throw them in a big dirt arena, big twenty-five acre dirt arena. And you just let them beat the shit out of each other
GEORGE CARLIN
for twenty-four hours non-stop. No food, no water, just whiskey and PCP. And you just let them punch and pound and kick the shit out of each other until only one guy is left standing, then you take that guy and you put him on a pedestal and you shoot him in the fucking head. [laughter and applause]
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GEORGE CARLIN
Besides, an airplane ride shouldn't be completely safe. You need a little danger in your life! What are you gonna do, play with your prick for another 30 years? Read People magazine and eat at Wendy's til the end of time? Take a fuckin' chance! And besides, if we made airplanes completely safe, the terrorists would simply start bombing other places that are crowded. Porn shops, crack houses, titty bars, and gangbangs. You know, entertainment venues.
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GEORGE CARLIN
[about God] I honestly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man. No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this.
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GEORGE CARLIN
[On the security questions asked at the airport] "Have your bags been in your possession the whole time?" No, usually the night before a travel, just as the moon is rising, I place my suitcases out on the street corner and leave them there unattended for several hours, just for good luck.
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GEORGE CARLIN
Here's another guy thing that sucks. These t-shirts that say: "Lead, follow, or get out of the way". You ever see that? This is more of that stupid Marine Corps bullshit. Obsolete, male impulses from a hundred thousand years ago, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way". You know what I do when I see that shirt; I obstruct. I stand right in the guy's path, force him to walk around me, he gets a little past me, I spin him around kick him in the nuts, rip off his shirt, wipe it on my ass, and shove it down his fucking throat. Hey, listen that's all these marines are looking for; a good time.
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GEORGE CARLIN
I'm thinking of opening up a motel and calling it "The Sleep and Fuck". Wouldn't that be a good, honest name for a motel, who needs this "Shady Pines"-bull shit? "The Sleep and Fuck"-motel. Get me one of them big neon signs: "Sleep", "Fuck", "Sleep", "Fuck".
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