from Hercules
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PHIL
What's the matter? You never seen a satyr before?
YOUNG HERCULES
Uh, no. Can you help us? We're looking for someone called Philoctetes.
PHIL
Call me Phil.
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PHIL
[training Hercules in knife-throwing] Rule number 95, kid: concentrate.
PHIL
Rule number 96: aim.
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PHIL
The one and only Thebes. The Big Olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.
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STREET SALESMAN
Hey, Mack. [opens his coat]
PHIL
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
STREET SALESMAN
You wanna buy a sundial?
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YOUNG HERCULES
But if I don't become a true hero, I'll never be able to rejoin my father Zeus.
PHIL
Hold it. Zeus is your father, right?
YOUNG HERCULES
Uh-huh.
PHIL
[giggling] Zeus, the big guy. He's your daddy. Ha-ha-ha. Mr Lightning Bolts. "Read me a book, would you, Da-Da?" Ha-ha-ha. Zeus.
PHIL
[mimics Zeus] "Once upon a time... " Ha-ha-ha.
YOUNG HERCULES
It's the truth.
PHIL
Please.
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YOUNG HERCULES
I need your help. I want to become a hero, a true hero.
PHIL
Sorry, kid. Can't help ya.
YOUNG HERCULES
Wait.
YOUNG HERCULES
Uh, sorry. Why not?
PHIL
Two words: I-am-retired.
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PHIL
Kid, kid, kid. How many horns do you see?
HERCULES
Six?
PHIL
Ah, close enough. Let's get you cleaned up.
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PHIL
Hey, watch it! [dodges a branch] Watch it! [turns Hercules head] Keep your goo goo eyes on the...
PHIL
[dizzy] That's it! Next time I drive... [faints]
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PHIL
Don't you pea brains get it?
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MEG
Phil! Phil, Hercules needs your help.
PHIL
What does he need me for when he's got friends like you?
MEG
He won't listen to me.
PHIL
Good! He's finally learned something.
MEG
Look, I know what I did was wrong, but this isn't about me, it's about *him*. If you don't help him now, Phil, he'll die.