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CAPT. T.G. CULPEPER
[into a phone] Ginger, I want you to prepare yourself for a little shock. When I tell you what happened...
GINGER CULPEPER
[voice] So, tell me, tell me. I've got this biscuit dough...
CAPT. T.G. CULPEPER
The Smiler Grogan case is solved!
GINGER CULPEPER
The WHAT? Now, what the hell is the Smiler Grogan case?
CAPT. T.G. CULPEPER
The tuna factory robbery! The case I've been talking about for the last fifteen years!
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CAPT. T.G. CULPEPER
You know what I believe I'd like? A chocolate fudge sundae with whipped cream and a cherry on top. [Everybody stares] Nothing will happen here for five minutes.
SECRETARY SCHWARTZ
Mrs. Culpeper on the phone.
CAPT. T.G. CULPEPER
No calls. No calls. No more calls.
LT. MATTHEWS
Something's wrong.
POLICE SERGEANT
Why? Does something gotta be wrong? He feels like a chocolate fudge sundae. So what? He has a chocolate fudge sundae.
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CAPT. T.G. CULPEPER
Now, where have I always told ya that the Smiler hid the dough? Where? Right there!
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OTTO MEYER
I wish I knew what they're going to do to us. But no matter what happens to us... [to Captain Culpeper] what happens to you, I hope will be worse!
CAPT. T.G. CULPEPER
I don't think you have to worry too much about that. My wife is divorcing me, my mother-in-law is suing me for damages, my daughter is applying to the courts to have her name changed, my pension has been revoked. And the only reason that you 10 idiots will very LIKELY get off LIGHTLY, is because the judge will have me up there to throw the book at!
THIRD CAB DRIVER
[sarcastically] Oh, that's tough. Oh ho ho ho.
CAPT. T.G. CULPEPER
I'd like to think that sometime, maybe 10 or 20 years from now, there'd be something I could laugh at... Anything.
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RADIO VOICE UNIT F-7
[voice] F-7 to Central. The Crumps are locked in a hardware store basement. Should I let them out? Over.
CAPT. T.G. CULPEPER
How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement? We gotta let them out.
POLICE SERGEANT
That ain't fair.
CAPT. T.G. CULPEPER
It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
POLICE SERGEANT
They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uh, after all, if you help them, you're not being fair to the others.
CAPT. T.G. CULPEPER
But, the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick 'em up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?
POLICE SERGEANT
Uh uh, it's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me? I've been pullin' all the while for that other guy, Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody. Otherwise, it just ain't fair.
-1
CAPT. T.G. CULPEPER
[answering phone]: Hello, Ginger? What's the matter now?
GINGER CULPEPER
It's Billie Sue. Her new boyfriend, Oscar, was supposed to come down here from Pomona just to meet us. So now, she called him and told him we were goin' away.
CAPT. T.G. CULPEPER
Well, what's the matter?
GINGER CULPEPER
You keep forgetting if a girl is six-feet-five inches tall, she's bound to have special problems. They had some argument and then, they started screaming at each other. And now, the whole engagement's off, and she says she's leaving.
CAPT. T.G. CULPEPER
Leaving what? Leaving home? Let me talk to her. Get her to the phone.
GINGER CULPEPER
I'll try. Just a minute. [to Billie Sue] Talk to your father.
BILLIE SUE CULPEPER
I won't. I don't wanna talk to him ever!
GINGER CULPEPER
Don't be ridiculous. Whatever else he is, he is your father.