4
PREACHER
[resumes the ceremony] Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
NORBIT
I object!
PREACHER
[frustrated] Oh, for Christ sake!
MR. WONG
[pleased] Norbit.
JESUS, LORD HAVE MERCY
[cheers] Norbit!
KATE THOMAS
[surprised] Norbit!
CHOIR
[singing] Norbit-t-t-t!
NORBIT
This wedding's a sham and I'm here to stop it.
KATE THOMAS
Norbit, what are you doing?
NORBIT
I'm bein' a man for the first time in my life. Kate... Kate, I love you.
RASPUTIA
[Rasputia, Big Jack, and Earl stormed into the church] What the hell did you just say?
NORBIT
You heard what I said, strumpet! I love Kate! That right. I love you, Kate. And the last two weeks I spent with you have meant more to me than my entire miserable life with you, Rasputia! It's over! Norbit Albert Rice is no longer your BITCH!
2
RASPUTIA
[after Norbit discovers Buster and Rasputia in bed] Norbit, how dare you? Buster is a guest in our home!
BUSTER
Yeah, ORBIT! How dare you make such an accu-sa-si-tion!
2
NORBIT
Ohh... Lloyd, what am I gonna do...?
LLOYD THE DOG
Kill the bitch!
NORBIT
Excuse me? What'd you say?
LLOYD THE DOG
You heard me. Rub 'er out. Take 'er down. Ice the bitch!
NORBIT
Hey. Lloyd, you're talkin'.
LLOYD THE DOG
She took my legs, Norbit. She took my legs! You know what it's like bein' a dog with no legs?! I can't raise one up to pee. And I can't even hump no more, Norbit! Humpin' was my THING! I was known all over the neighborhood for my humpin'!
NORBIT
I can't kill 'er.
LLOYD THE DOG
Sure you can.
NORBIT
No. No I can't.
LLOYD THE DOG
Pleeeeease?!
RASPUTIA
What is this, Norbit?
LLOYD THE DOG
I wish I was a doberman! I would chew her ass UP!
NORBIT
Some kinda... weird, satanic, potato art?
RASPUTIA
Mm-mm.
RASPUTIA
What's this?
NORBIT
Looks like the acid, we used down at the quarry.
RASPUTIA
[stomps foot] RIGHT! But this is Miss Pretty Little Thang's little face. And Norbit, if you ever see her again, if you ever *talk* to 'er again, if you ever to so much as to think about the bitch again, this is what's gonna happen to 'er.
RASPUTIA
How YOU doin'! You get the picture, Norbit?
2
RASPUTIA
[laughs when Kate doesn't believe Norbit's story on Deion, a corrupt goldigger/cheater] Well, well, Norbit. You lose again! Once a loser, always a loser. Now, come on! Let's go!
NORBIT
[to Kate] Yeah, I thought you'd feel that way about it, Kate. And that's why I took the liberty of inviting some of Deion's ex-wives down so maybe they can tell you for themselves. LADIES!
EX-WIFE #1
Hello, Antoine! I've been looking everywhere for you.
CHILDREN
Daddy!
EX-WIFE #2
Antoine? He told me his name was Luther!
RASPUTIA
Who is that ho?
EX-WIFE #3
Luther? he told me he was gay!
DEION HUGHES
No, no, no. Y'all got me confused with my gay twin brother, Antoine Luther.
EX-WIFE #1
[angry] You dead, goldigger!
DEION HUGHES
[the wives and children are going towards him] I'm out!
POPE SWEET JESUS
Look's like the wedding's off, bro.
LORD HAVE MERCY
Church!
1
RASPUTIA
What is this Norbit?
NORBIT
Some kind of deformed potato?
RASPUTIA
Umm umm. Whats this?
NORBIT
The satanic acid we use at the construction site.
RASPUTIA
[stomps] Right! And this is miss little pretty little things face. And Norbit if you ever see her again, if you ever talk to her again, if you ever so much as think about the bitch again, this is what's gon happen to her. [pours satanic acid on potato and potato dissolves] how YOU doin? Get the picture Norbit?
1
RASPUTIA
Then who was eating the turkey ass?
1
RASPUTIA
[After seeing Norbit, trying to get out of the house] NORBIT!!
NORBIT
Oh! Good Morning, Rasputia! Good Morning! How are you this morning?
RASPUTIA
Where the hell YOU going?!
NORBIT
Oh... ummmm. Nowhere special. I was just going to Raging Waters.
RASPUTIA
Raging Waters?
NORBIT
Rasputia, we took vows. I'm your husband. RASPUTIA!! WE TOOK VOWS, AND YOU CHEATED ON ME!!
RASPUTIA
IT NEVER HAPPENED!!
NORBIT
YES IT DID!! [Rasputia stops and gasps] AND THAT MAKES YOU... THE QUEEN OF WHORES!!!
KATE THOMAS
I'm so sorry, Mrs. Rice.
RASPUTIA
"Mrs. Rice?!" My name ain't no damn Mrs. Rice!
KATE THOMAS
Well, I just though that you were married to Norbit...
RASPUTIA
Who the hell are you?
NORBIT
Ummm... Kate, I want you to meet my wife. This is Rasputia Latimore and Rasputia, this is Kate.
KATE THOMAS
Nice to meet you!
RASPUTIA
Hello.
NORBIT
Kate's an old friend of mine from the orphanage.
KATE THOMAS
Latimore... as in "Latimore Construction?"
RASPUTIA
Yeah, that's right. As in "Latimore Construction." That's right. Why?
KATE THOMAS
Well, this is perfect. Because I came to see you guys about a renovation... of-
MR. WONG
WHALE, HO!!
RASPUTIA
Did somebody just call me a whale?
MR. WONG
Yeah! And a ho!
NORBIT
Ohh... Lloyd, what am I gonna do...?
LLOYD THE DOG
Kill the bitch!
NORBIT
Excuse me? What'd you say?
LLOYD THE DOG
You heard me. Rub 'er out. Take 'er down. Ice the bitch!
NORBIT
Hey. Lloyd, you're talkin'.
LLOYD THE DOG
She took my legs, Norbit. She took my legs! You know what it's like bein' a dog with no legs?! I can't raise one up to pee. And I can't even hump no more, Norbit! Humpin' was my THING! I was known all over the neighborhood for my humpin'!
NORBIT
I can't kill 'er.
LLOYD THE DOG
Sure you can.
NORBIT
No. No I can't.
LLOYD THE DOG
Pleeeeease?!
RASPUTIA
What is this, Norbit?
LLOYD THE DOG
I wish I was a doberman! I would chew her ass UP!
NORBIT
Some kinda... weird, satanic, potato art?
RASPUTIA
Mm-mm.
RASPUTIA
What's this?
NORBIT
Looks like the acid, we used down at the quarry.
RASPUTIA
[stomps foot] RIGHT! But this is Miss Pretty Little Thang's little face. And Norbit, if you ever see her again, if you ever *talk* to 'er again, if you ever to so much as to think about the bitch again, this is what's gonna happen to 'er.
RASPUTIA
How YOU doin'! You get the picture, Norbit?
NORBIT
Psst! Psst! Psst! Hey! Hey! Over here!
KATE THOMAS
I need to talk to you. Do you know what was in those papers, you had me sign last night?
NORBIT
Yeah, the construction permits.
KATE THOMAS
No, that's not all.
KATE THOMAS
Norbit.
NORBIT
I I I I-- just-- just-- just go away, Kate! Get outta here!
KATE THOMAS
What?!
NORBIT
Ya heard what I said! Just get outta here! Scram!
KATE THOMAS
The Latimores are trying to take control of the orphanage, Norbit!
NORBIT
Well wh-- why don't you go and-- and find somebody, who-- who gives a rat's ass?! Because I d-- I I I sure as hell don't!
KATE THOMAS
Y y-- you don't care?
NORBIT
No I-- I don't care, b and d-- [looks at the ceiling] --And I don't care about you either!
KATE THOMAS
[heartbroken] Norbit!
NORBIT
The only woman that I have e e ever ever loved, and ever cared about was my darling... wife, Rasputia! [shakes his head, mad]
KATE THOMAS
B b bu-- but last night--
NORBIT
Last night I was ju-- I was just tryin' to nail ya! You know, score?! But now I realize I don't have to do that! All I need is my beautiful, precious wife... RASPUTIA!
NORBIT
She is all the woman *I* need! So you can just go on and get outta here! You screwy dame! Who needs ya?!
0
MR. WONG
WHALE HO!
RASPUTIA
Did somebody just call me a whale?
MR. WONG
Yeah! And a ho!
0
RASPUTIA
[singing along with the radio] Don't you wish your girlfriend was as hot like me? Don't you wish your girlfriend was a FREAK like me?
0
RASPUTIA
Where the hell you goin', Norbit?
NORBIT
[screams] None of your G.D. beeswax, Rasputia!
RASPUTIA
Look at you, you old stupid fool. You can't even ride a bike!
NORBIT
Oh, yes I can, because Kate TAUGHT ME! [Rasputia screams and grabs Norbit's neck]