1
GLADOS
[at the entrance to test room 12] Perfect. The door's malfunctioning. I bet somebody's going to have to repair that, too. No, don't get up. I'll be right back. Don't touch anything. [GLaDOS "leaves"]
WHEATLEY
[outside a window] Hey, hey! Up here! I found some bird eggs up here; just dropped them into the door mechanism; shut it right down. I... [the bird suddenly swoops and attacks him] Aaah! Bird! Bird! Bird! Bird! [runs away and comes back a few seconds later] Okay... That's probably the bird, inn'it? That laid the eggs! Livid! Okay, but the point is, we're going to break out of here, alright? Very soon, I promise, I promise. I just have to figure out how... to break us out of here. Here she comes! Keep testing, just keep testing. Remember, you never saw me. Never saw me. [Leaves]
GLADOS
[the door is now completely open] I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be... well, living anymore. Anyway. Back to testing!
1
GLADOS
[Chell and GLaDOS, as a potato, are flying toward Wheatley, into a trap] Aaaah!
GLADOS
[On a platform, surrounded with spiked stompers] Well, this is the part where he kills us.
WHEATLEY
This is the part where I kill you!
WHEATLEY
[Achievement unlocked: the part where he kills you. This is that part]
1
WHEATLEY
All right, so the last test was seriously disappointing. Apparently, being civil isn't motivating you. So let's try things her way, all right? Fatty. Adopted fatty. Fatty-fatty no-parents.
GLADOS
And...?
WHEATLEY
What?
GLADOS
What, exactly, is wrong with being adopted?
WHEATLEY
What's wrong with being adopted? Um, well. Um, lack of parents, for one.
GLADOS
[sotto voce] For the record, you are adopted, and that's terrible.
WHEATLEY
...and also, nothing, but... well, some of my best friends actually are orphans.
GLADOS
Also, look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
WHEATLEY
[angry] I am not a moron! Just do the test!
1
GLADOS
Oh... it's you.
WHEATLEY
You know her?
GLADOS
It's been a long time. How have you been? I've been really busy being dead. You know, after you murdered me.
WHEATLEY
You did what? [GLaDOS crushes Wheatley with a mechanical claw]
GLADOS
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
1
GLADOS
[after GLaDOS recaptures Chell, she realizes that Chell and Wheatley have been sabotaging her turrets while away] Oh. You were busy back there. Well. I suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other until somebody drops dead, but I have a better idea. [she extends a large clear pipe towards Chell] It's your old friend, deadly neurotoxin. If I were you, I'd take a deep breath. And hold it.
WHEATLEY
[Wheatley comes rolling down the pipe, which has no neurotoxin in it for a similar reason] Ooagh! GAH! Agh! Ugh! Enh! Agh! Ungh! Ow! Agh! Agh! Hello! [lands]
GLADOS
I hate you so much.
ANNOUNCER
Warning: Central core is eighty percent corrupt.
GLADOS
That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
ANNOUNCER
Alternate core detected.
WHEATLEY
Oh! That's ME they're talking about!
ANNOUNCER
To initiate a core transfer, please deposit substitute core in receptacle.
GLADOS
Core transfer? Oh, you are kidding me.
WHEATLEY
I've got an idea! Do what it says, plug me in!
GLADOS
Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe.
ANNOUNCER
[Chell places Wheatley in the Substitute Core Transfer Receptacle] Core accepted. Substitute core, are you ready to start the procedure?
WHEATLEY
Yes!
ANNOUNCER
Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
GLADOS
No!
WHEATLEY
Ohhhhhh, yes she is.
GLADOS
Nonononononono!
ANNOUNCER
Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
1
WHEATLEY
[Wheatley has just seized control of the facility from GLaDOS] Look how small you are down there! I can barely see you! Very tiny and insignificant! Let me tell you, I knew it was gonna be cool being in charge of everything, but... wow, this is cool! And check this out! I'm a bloody genius now! [deeper voice] Estás usando este software de traducción de forma incorrecta. Por favor, consulta el manual. [normal voice] I don't even know what I just said! But I can find out! Oh! Sorry. The lift. Sorry. I keep forgetting. [he starts the lift moving up] This body is amazing, seriously! I can't get over how small you are! But I'm huge! [he laughs, first jovial then turning to maniacal laugh]
WHEATLEY
[his laugh trails off] Actually, why do we have to leave right now? [brings the lift down] Do you have any idea how good this feels? I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this!
GLADOS
[sounding exhausted and disgruntled] You didn't do anything. She did all the work.
WHEATLEY
Oh really. That's what the two of you think, is it? Well, maybe it's time I did something then. [he uses the transfer tools to grab GLaDOS's head and pull her in]
GLADOS
...What are you doing?... NO! NO! NO!
0
GLADOS
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks "stupid". Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably – Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
0
GLADOS
Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds.
0
GLADOS
[Chell and GLaDOS are falling down a very long shaft] Oh. Hi. So. How are you holding up? BECAUSE I'M A POTATO! [claps slowly three times] Oh good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that. Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere... Well, we are going somewhere. Alarmingly fast, actually. But since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts. He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility. [clap clap] Good, that's still working. Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually bottomless, do you think maybe you could unstrap one of those long fall boots of yours and shove me into it? Just remember to land on one foot...
0
GLADOS
As an impartial collaboration facilitator, it would be unfair of me to name my favorite member of your team. However, it's perfectly fair to hint at it in a way that my least favorite probably isn't smart enough to understand. Rhymeswithglue. Orange, you are doing very well.