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ABBOT
We are here to witness the marriage, of Mervin, the Sheriff of...
ABBOT
Mervin? Your name is Mervin?
SHERIFF OF ROTTINGHAM
[over crowd laughing] Shut up! Shut up!
ABBOT
OK... Mervin. [crowd starts laughing again]
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SHERIFF OF ROTTINGHAM
Wasn't your... didn't your mole used to be on the other side?
PRINCE JOHN
I have a MOLE?
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SHERIFF OF ROTTINGHAM
A chastity belt! That's going to chafe my willy!
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SHERIFF OF ROTTINGHAM
King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!
ROBIN HOOD, MAID MARIAN
What?
SHERIFF OF ROTTINGHAM
I mean, don't you know it's illegal to kill a wild pig in the king's forest?
ROBIN HOOD
Is it not also illegal to sit on the king's throne and usurp his power in his absence?
PRINCE JOHN
Careful Robin, you go too far.
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PRINCE JOHN
Save me, save me! Hurt them, hurt them!
SHERIFF OF ROTTINGHAM
Right! Save them, save them, hurt you, hurt you! I've got it!
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SHERIFF OF ROTTINGHAM
Over that boy hand!
SHERIFF OF ROTTINGHAM
Hand over that boy!
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SHERIFF OF ROTTINGHAM
I was angry at you before Locksley, but now I'm really pissed off!
AHCHOO
Pissed off? If I was that close to a horse's wiener I'd be worrying about being pissed on!
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SHERIFF OF ROTTINGHAM
Sire, I have news!
PRINCE JOHN
And what sort of news do you have? It's not bad news, is it? You know I can't take bad news. The day started out so good. I had a good night's sleep, I had a good B.M. I don't want to hear any bad news. So, what kind of news is it?
SHERIFF OF ROTTINGHAM
Well, to be perfectly frank, it's bad.
PRINCE JOHN
[shouts] I knew it! I knew it would be bad news. Wait, I have an idea. Maybe if you tell me the *bad* news in a *good* way, it wouldn't sound so bad.
SHERIFF OF ROTTINGHAM
[thinking] The bad news in a good way. Yes, I can do that. The bad news in a good way. Well, here it goes.
SHERIFF OF ROTTINGHAM
W-wait till you hear this! I just saw Robin of Locksley, he's back from the crusades. [laughs] You know, he just beat the *crap* out of me and my men. [laughs] He hates you and he loves your brother, Richard! [laughs] And... [laughs]... he wants to see you hanged! [laughs] We, we're in a lot of trouble! [laughs and snorts loudly]
PRINCE JOHN
[furious] What, are you crazy? Why are you laughing? This is terrible news!
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SHERIFF OF ROTTINGHAM
So it's come to this, has it? A fight to the death, mano a mano, man to man, just you and me and my *guards*!
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SHERIFF OF ROTTINGHAM
[after Robin has fired his shot, hitting the bullseye dead center] Don't worry, Dirty Ezio still has another shot.
PRINCE JOHN
But he hit the very center of the bullseye... schmuck!