3
MINDY
Look, kay? He assaulted the customer, grabbed the cash and ran out.
OFFICER SLATER
So, how how, how...
OFFICER MICHAELS
He was Jewish! An odd crime for a Jew to commit. Ok, so we have an African Jew wearing a hoodie...
OFFICER SLATER
Kinda looked like Eminem.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Ah, an M&M...
MINDY
M&M, so he was like circular...
OFFICER SLATER
Marshall Mathers. Eminem, the rapper, Eminem.
MINDY
He looked like this? I'm a amateur.
OFFICER SLATER
'Cause that kinda looks like an M&M.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Longer face? Bigger nose? Would you say his mouth was wider? Open? A gap?
OFFICER SLATER
Say when, height wise...
MINDY
I'm gonna start up here.
OFFICER MICHAELS
I'm gonna start from the buttom...
MINDY
Whatever 5'10 is, he was 5'10.
OFFICER MICHAELS
E-ethnicly, I mean, did, what, uhhm. I mean, wa-was he, like u-us or...
MINDY
A woman? A female, is that what you're asking?
OFFICER MICHAELS
No, I would say...
OFFICER SLATER
Was he...
MINDY
Was he African?
OFFICER MICHAELS
Was he African? No, he was American. And he was like you. He looked just like you.
OFFICER SLATER
No. You don't. No, that's not what I said. Is that what you heard me say? I said he looked like you. Do you look like an African Jew?
MINDY
No, I look like a cop.
OFFICER MICHAELS
He was caucasian.
OFFICER SLATER
Caucasian...
OFFICER MICHAELS
Oh...
2
OFFICER SLATER
[Arresting Evan and Seth] Pretend he's your little sister, your little sister, with the picha baga daga dicta!
0
FOGELL
Can we shoot at it?
OFFICER SLATER
I don't know... [pause] Can you?
0
OFFICER SLATER
I'm sorry that I blocked your cock...
0
OFFICER SLATER
[singing] PANAMA!
0
OFFICER SLATER
Hey kid, what's your real name?
FOGELL
Fogell... it's Fogell.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Fogell? Fuck that, we're calling you McLovin!
0
OFFICER MICHAELS
McLovin?
FOGELL
Yeah.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Great name.
OFFICER SLATER
It is, it just rolls of the tongue.
OFFICER MICHAELS
'Sounds like a sexy hamburger!
0
OFFICER SLATER
We *will* shoot you!
0
OFFICER SLATER
So you name is just McLovin?
FOGELL
Yeah!
OFFICER SLATER
Badass!
0
OFFICER MICHAELS
You know, this job though isn't how shows like CSI make it out to be, when I first joined the force, I was under the impression that everything was covered in a fine layer of semen. And that the police had at their disposal a semen database with every bad guy's semen on it. Not true!
OFFICER SLATER
Yup
OFFICER MICHAELS
If only there was semen on everything, it would make our jobs easier...
OFFICER SLATER
Hell, yeah!
OFFICER MICHAELS
I often go to sleep and dream of waking up in a world where everything is covered in semen.
OFFICER SLATER
I mean, who doesn't? It's like your wish that you could walk out of a room and just know where the semen was. You just know like Sherlock Holmes, if he was in his day, Sherlock Holomes, in his day... And this is a proven historical fact. Sherlock Holmes, when he was alive, knew where semen was.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Could smell it out like a rat.
OFFICER SLATER
Smell it out. ANything
OFFICER MICHAELS
Like the crime scene today, if the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we'd have a real good shot at catching him...
OFFICER SLATER
No way,
OFFICER MICHAELS
Just punched you in the face. No semen.
OFFICER SLATER
Yeah, no semen. And that's the only way you can find DNA by the way, if it's in the jizz.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Semen. It's the best DNA, is in the jizz.
OFFICER SLATER
I'm telling you right now, sometimes I just want to make you know, live in a world of semen. That's funny you say that because I feel the same same way...
OFFICER MICHAELS
It's true
OFFICER SLATER
I would make semen snowballs...
OFFICER MICHAELS
It would just make our lives easier if everything was covered in semen.
OFFICER SLATER
Yeah, no crime.
OFFICER MICHAELS
Just semen. FUck, that'd be nice.
OFFICER SLATER
I think we've exhausted this point. Sherlock Holmes, in his day, would look at you and say: "Five nights ago, Veronica Shear, USA Up All Night."
OFFICER MICHAELS
Four ounces.
OFFICER SLATER
I know that, four ounces into your hand.
OFFICER MICHAELS
One time we found semen, one time.
FOGELL
I thought you said you never found semen.
OFFICER SLATER
One time we found semen, one time we found semen, we've got really excited, took it back to the lab, turned out it was Michaels' semen.