0
SCOTT CALVIN
Look, I am not Santa Claus! Ahhh!
BERNARD
Did you or did you not read the card?
SCOTT CALVIN
Yeah, I read the card.
BERNARD
Then you're the new Santa. And putting on their hat and jacket, you accepted the contract
SCOTT CALVIN
What contract?
BERNARD
The card in the Santa suit, you said you read it, right? So when you put on the suit, you fell subject for the Santa Clause.
SCOTT CALVIN
The Santa Claus? Oh, you mean the guys that fell off my roof?
BERNARD
No, no, not Santa Claus, the person. Santa Clause the clause.
SCOTT CALVIN
What?
BERNARD
You're a businessman right? Okay, a clause as in the last line of the contract.
BERNARD
[Scott looks confused] You got the card? Okay look. [Reads what the I.D. card says]
SCOTT CALVIN
What does that mean?
BERNARD
It means you put on the suit, you're the big guy.
SCOTT CALVIN
That ridiculous, I didn't put on a suit to...
BERNARD
[shouts] *Try to understand this!*
0
BERNARD
What's all this boo-hooin' going on here? [to Neil, who suddenly backs away from him] Hey, how are you doing?
SCOTT CALVIN
Nothing, Bernard. I'm just saying good-bye to Charlie.
BERNARD
What good-bye? Charlie, you've still got the glass ball I gave you, right?
CHARLIE
Yeah.
BERNARD
Well, all you've got to do is shake it, whenever you want to see your dad. He can come back to visit you anytime, day or night.
CHARLIE
[his face lights up] Really?
BERNARD
Hey, have I ever steered you wrong?
0
BERNARD
I'll ship the list to your house.
SCOTT CALVIN
What list?
BERNARD
You know, the list... [singsong voice] He's making a list.
CHARLIE
[singing loudly] Checkin' it twice.
ELVES
'Gonna find out who's naughty or nice!
0
BERNARD
The Santa Clause: In putting on the suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives any and all right to any previous identity, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus, in perpetuity to which some time the wearer becomes unable to do so, by either accident or design.
SCOTT CALVIN
What does that mean?
BERNARD
It means: If you put on the suit, you're the big guy.
SCOTT CALVIN
This is ridiculous! I didn't just put on the suit to -...
BERNARD
Try to understand this!
0
BERNARD
[looks at Neil's sweater] Nice sweater. Hey, did we make this? [starts checking the tag on the sweater]
0
BERNARD
Haven't you people ever heard about basting?
0
SCOTT CALVIN
Look, I am not Santa Claus! Ahhh!
BERNARD
Did you or did you not read the card?
SCOTT CALVIN
No, no, not Santa Claus, the person. Santa Clause the clause.
BERNARD
What?
SCOTT CALVIN
You're a businessman right? Okay, a clause as in the last line of the contract.
BERNARD
[Scott looks confused] You got the card? Okay look. [Reads what the I.D. card says]
SCOTT CALVIN
What does that mean?
BERNARD
It means you put on the suit, you're the big guy.
SCOTT CALVIN
That ridiculous, I didn't put on a suit to...
BERNARD
[shouts] *Try to understand this!*
BERNARD
Yeah, I read the card.
SCOTT CALVIN
Then you're the new Santa. And putting on their hat and jacket, you accepted the contract
BERNARD
What contract?
SCOTT CALVIN
The card in the Santa suit, you said you read it, right? So when you put on the suit, you fell subject for the Santa Clause.
BERNARD
The Santa Claus? Oh, you mean the guys that fell off my roof?
0
BERNARD
The Santa Clause: In putting on this suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives any and all rights to any previous identity, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus, in perpetuity until such time that the wearer becomes unable to do so, by either accident or design.
0
SCOTT CALVIN
Hey, Barabbas.
BERNARD
Bernard!
SCOTT CALVIN
Bernard. Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver?
0
BERNARD
You put the "P" in the nice kids and a "C" in the naughty kids.
SCOTT CALVIN
"P" and "C"?
CHARLIE
Yeah. P is for presents and C is for coals. Right, Bernard?
BERNARD
Right, sport.