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STEVE SMITH
Quivecs? That's not a word.
ROGER THE ALIEN
It is on my planet!
FRANCINE SMITH
Is it a proper noun?
ROGER THE ALIEN
Damn! [rearranges letters]
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FRANCINE SMITH
I told you it was complicated.
ROGER SMITH
No, no, no, changing planes at O'Hare is complicated. Th-this is... th-this is just... Frannie, what is this?
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BARRY
Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch. [gives Steve the doormat]
STAN SMITH
Great, it's the fat one.
STEVE SMITH
That's a doormat, Barry.
BARRY
Who's Matt Barry?
STAN SMITH
God, I hate you so much!
STEVE SMITH
Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?
FRANCINE SMITH
If it's okay with his parents.
BARRY
Oh, they won't care. They never care.
STAN SMITH
Good people. My kind of people.
BARRY
Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?
STAN SMITH
Fatty can use the garden hose!
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STAN SMITH
Ah, Saturday. Sunday's Friday.
GRANDSON
Wait, someone accidentally ordered a woman in the mail? Grandpa, is this the same story?
GRANDPA KLAUS
No, it is a little side story. I'm using it to break up the main story so you don't get bored.
GRANDSON
Are we part of the story, Grandpa?
GRANDPA KLAUS
Oh nononono. No, we are a "framing device".
GRANDSON
Whoa-whoa-whoa. You were a fish?!
GRANDPA KLAUS
Oh yeah, that.... But Stan he was a new man and he--
GRANDSON
Hold on a second. You, were a fish. Don't you think that's a better story than two grown-ups ice skating?
GRANDPA KLAUS
I was also roommates with Rick Schroder, you wanna hear about that?
GRANDSON
YEAH!!
GRANDPA KLAUS
[sighs] Okay, Rick Schroder sucks, h-he just... h-he just sucks. He sucks so hard. Rick Schroder uses women. The end.
ROGER SMITH
Stan you've gotta skate in this competition. For Francine. She hasn't been this happy in ages.
STAN SMITH
But you just said I shouldn't--
ROGER SMITH
That was a test! You failed! God, you're selfish. [smack] Bad Stan! Oh, I meant to say "bad Stan" and then slap you. Bad Stan! [smack] I dunno, I like it both ways.
STAN SMITH
Roger? Where did you learn to skate?
ROGER SMITH
On my planet. You really haven't read my MySpace page, have you? You say you have, but you really haven't.
FRANCINE SMITH
This is the first time in twenty winters we've done anything together, and now you're dumping me to skate with Roger?! Why, Stan, why?
STAN SMITH
Well, honey, I-
FRANCINE SMITH
I'll tell you why. Because winning some stupid contest means more to you than your own wife!
STAN SMITH
Yes. Thanks you. That would've sounded awful coming out from my mouth.
ROGER SMITH
You can't do this to me! You can't leave me here. Everyone's looking. Everyone's looking!
BROWN-HAIRED MAN
Can you keep it down? No one's looking at you. We're trying to watch the skating here.
ROGER SMITH
EVERYONE'S LOOKING!
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FRANCINE SMITH
You were right, Stan. I want to meet my real parents.
STAN SMITH
Don't worry, honey. I'll find them, no matter how long it takes. They'll be here at 6:00.
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STAN SMITH
Oh, I invited the fellows over for a feast after work so I figured you could whip something up. Or as they say in this country, [clap clap]
FRANCINE SMITH
Forget it! You may have me locked up in this house but I control what I do in it. Or as they say in my country, [finger snaps]
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ROGER THE ALIEN
Stan might be an insensitive feelings-hurter, but he'd never cheat on you.
FRANCINE SMITH
It's not Stan I'm worried about. It's the female "entertainment" I don't trust. Men throw a little cash out 'em, they'll do anything. Then sometimes when you're on the floor with another girl, guys'll throw money, then pick it up and throw the same singles out there again. Like I'm an idiot. Like I don't have peripheral vision! [awkward pause]
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FRANCINE SMITH
Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome little gentleman.
TODDLER STEVE (CALMLY)
I just wanna let you know, that I'm speaking calmly, but there's a tantrum brewing in me, the likes of which this mall has never seen.
STAN SMITH
Puberty.
FRANCINE SMITH
Our worst nightmare.
STAN SMITH
The only thing worse than a child going through puberty is being the parent of a child going through puberty. Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a while? [sadly] Nobody honked.
STAN SMITH
Hey, what are you doing?
FRANCINE SMITH
[pulls out a suitcase and starts packing things in it] I can't do it, man. I'm leaving. I'm going to... I don't know. My mom's, my sister's... Hell! I'll even go back to prison. I don't care.
STAN SMITH
Look, maybe it won't be so bad. We got through Hayley's puberty.
FRANCINE SMITH
Barely.
HAYLEY SMITH
What do you mean, every month?!
FRANCINE SMITH
Honey, that's the glory of being a woman.
HAYLEY SMITH
[throws the tampon to Stan and Francine] I'm not using these! [throws the box] I'm never using these! [proceeds to sit on the white couch]
FRANCINE & STAN
No! [she sits]
HAYLEY SMITH
[referring to her breasts] This is as big as they're gonna get?!
HAYLEY SMITH
I'm hideous!
FRANCINE SMITH
Honey, you can't even see it.
STAN SMITH
It's pretty.
ROGER SMITH
[enters the room] Wow, Hayley, your cheek's pregnant. Who's the father? Touching your face all day with your greasy hands?
STAN SMITH
[back in the present, he has started packing as well] So, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to wear my big shoes and pack my flip-flops.
FRANCINE SMITH
I'm not ready for Steve to make the change. He's gonna have man breath, and his poops won't smell good anymore.
FRANCINE SMITH
Have you ever been beaten naked in a gym shower, Stan? One day, when I was showering after gym class, these mean pretty girls caught me and kept scrubbing me all over with soap. I mean, they didn't miss a spot! And even though we were all wet and naked and slippery, they were still able to get me on all fours, and shove my face to the floor! Can you imagine, Stan?
STAN SMITH
How'd they catch you again, please?
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FRANCINE SMITH
[points at Jeff] Look at him... still rocks a goatee... poser ass bitch!
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FRANCINE SMITH
Chocolate chip pancakes and chardonnay... the Delta Burke breakfast it is!