2
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
[Disguised as a cashier at a concession stand] May I help you, or did the Goodyear blimp just land?
CODGER EGGBERT
Ha ha! Give me a large tub of popcorn, and hurry.
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
There ya go, Shamu. You want artificial butter flavoring on that?
CODGER EGGBERT
Sure.
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
Alright then.
CODGER EGGBERT
Does it cost extra?
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
Artificial butter? Nah, it's cheap stuff.
CODGER EGGBERT
Really? What's it made of?
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
Ah, it's just lard... that I'm liposuctioning out of your gut!
SKIPPY SQUIRREL
Spew!
1
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
In most cases, revenge is not a good thing. In other cases, it's the only thing.
1
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
[Skippy is playing a loud Hard-Rock Band on his Turn-Table] Knock it off with the Bing Crosbys, Stills, n Nash, will ya?
1
DICK DOVER, LARRY DOVER
[singing] Daniel Boone was a big dang bird. Yes, a really big bird. But he didn't know that his disguise was pretty absurd.
DANIEL BOONE
QUIET! You dadgum idiots. This is a dang good disguise. Heh heh heh, that old squirrel will think I'm just a big woodpecker. I'll peck down this tree right in front of her.
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
Ah, there's no rest for the elderly. Hey! Are you Daniel Boone?
DANIEL BOONE
Shoot, no. I'm a big woodpecker.
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
Get out of here with that woodpecker thing, there. You're Boone!
DANIEL BOONE
No, I ain't. My daddy was a big woodpecker and his daddy before him. Can't you see I'm-a peckin' at your tree for bugs and such?
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
I guess you really are a big woodpecker.
DANIEL BOONE
Dang straight.
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
Then here, I made you some woodpecker lunch. [reveals a plate full of rotting dead insects]
DANIEL BOONE
That's... right neighborly of you, ma'am.
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
Yeah, there's nothin' like dead bugs mixed with manure and served with a big piece of rotten bark, eh woody? [Daniel runs off gagging]
DICK DOVER, LARRY DOVER
[singing] Daniel Boone was a great big guy. Yes, a big sick guy. He lost his lunch all over the trees and sky.
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
That's nice singin'. They remind me of "Up With People".
0
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
Oh, not the dynamite in the cake bit again. Who'd sink so low?
0
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
I'm gonna make you some brain food. That's right, I'm gonna make you my famous walnut fig dough surprise.
SKIPPY SQUIRREL
What's the surprise?
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
I'm outta walnuts.
0
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
Skippy. You shoulda been asleep hours ago.
SKIPPY SQUIRREL
I know, Aunt Slappy, but I can't sleep. I keep hearing Santa's sleigh.
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
Ehhhh, that's just the LAPD choppers.
0
SKIPPY SQUIRREL
How come we're making so many candles, Aunt Slappy?
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
Skippy, it's the 1700s. What'd you expect, rollerblading?
0
SKIPPY SQUIRREL
But those were cartoons! This is real life!
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
[to the audience] Don't tell him. He might crack.
0
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
We're going to Tumcumcari, New Mexico.
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
Why?
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
To meet Bumbie's Mom.
SKIPPY SQUIRREL
Bumbie's Mom? She's... WAAH!
SLAPPY SQUIRREL
...Pavlov would love this kid.