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GENERAL MELCHETT
Something's the matter. Something sinister and something grotesque. And what's worse is that it's going on right here under my very nose. |
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CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
[protesting] Sir, your moustache is lovely... |
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CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
Can anyone tell me what's going on? |
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CAPTAIN DARLING
Security, Blackadder. |
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CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
Security? |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
Security isn't a dirty word, Blackadder. Crevice is a dirty word, but security isn't. |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
You look surprised, Blackadder. |
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CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise we had any battle plans. |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
Well, of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed? |
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CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
Our battles are directed, sir? |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
Well, of course they are, Blackadder, directed according to the Grand Plan. |
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CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everyone's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig and their tortoise, Alan? |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
Great Scott! Even you know it! |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
[to Baldrick] Ah, tally-ho, yippety-dip and zing zang spillip! Looking forward to bullying off for the final chukka? |
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CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
Permission to speak. |
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CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
Answer the General, Baldrick! |
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PRIVATE BALDRICK
[whispers] I can't answer him, sir, I don't know what he's talking about. |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
Are you looking forward to the big push? |
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PRIVATE BALDRICK
No sir, I'm absolutely terrified. |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
The healthy humor of the honest tommy. Don't worry my boy, if you should falter, remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you. |
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CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
About thirty-five miles behind you. |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
[on catching the spy] Yes, three weeks to smoke the bugger out. Use any method you see fit. Personally, I'd recommend you get a hold of a cocker spaniel, tie your suspect down on a chair with a potty on his head, then pop his todger between two floury buns and shout "Dinner time, Fido!" |
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LIEUTENANT GEORGE
Permission to shout "Bravo" at an annoyingly loud volume, sir. |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
Permission granted. |
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LIEUTENANT GEORGE
[screams] Bravo! |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
There is, however, one small problem. |
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CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first ten seconds? |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
That's right. And Field Marshall Haig is worried that this may be depressing the men a tadge. So, he's looking to find a way to cheer them up. |
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CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
Well, his resignation and suicide would seem the obvious suggestion. |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
Interesting thought. Make a note of it, Darling. |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
Is this true, Blackadder? Did Captain Darling pooh-pooh you? |
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CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
Well, perhaps a little. |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
Well, then, damn it all! What more evidence do you need? The pooh-poohing alone is a court martial offense! |
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CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
I can assure you, sir, that the pooh-poohing was purely circumstantial. |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
Well, I hope so, Blackadder. You know, if there's one thing I've learnt from being in the Army, it's never ignore a pooh-pooh. I knew a Major, who got pooh-poohed, made the mistake of ignoring the pooh-pooh. He pooh-poohed it! Fatal error! 'Cos it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing a lot of other officers who pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs. In the end, we had to disband the regiment. Morale totally destroyed... by pooh-pooh! |
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CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
I was wondering whether, after being tortured by the most vicious sadist in the German army, I might be allowed a week's leave to recuperate. |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
Excellent idea. Your commanding officer would have to be stark raving mad to refuse you. |
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CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
You are my commanding officer. |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
Well? |
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CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
Can I have a week's leave to recuperate, sir? |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
Certainly not! |
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CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
Thank you sir. |
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GENERAL MELCHETT
Baaa! |