11
GENERAL MELCHETT
You look surprised, Blackadder.
CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise we had any battle plans.
GENERAL MELCHETT
Well, of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed?
CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
Our battles are directed, sir?
GENERAL MELCHETT
Well, of course they are, Blackadder, directed according to the Grand Plan.
CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everyone's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig and their tortoise, Alan?
GENERAL MELCHETT
Great Scott! Even you know it!
7
GENERAL MELCHETT
If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through.
6
CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
Can anyone tell me what's going on?
CAPTAIN DARLING
Security, Blackadder.
CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
Security?
GENERAL MELCHETT
Security isn't a dirty word, Blackadder. Crevice is a dirty word, but security isn't.
5
GENERAL MELCHETT
[to Baldrick] Ah, tally-ho, yippety-dip and zing zang spillip! Looking forward to bullying off for the final chukka?
CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
Permission to speak.
CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
Answer the General, Baldrick!
PRIVATE BALDRICK
[whispers] I can't answer him, sir, I don't know what he's talking about.
4
GENERAL MELCHETT
Something's the matter. Something sinister and something grotesque. And what's worse is that it's going on right here under my very nose.
CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
[protesting] Sir, your moustache is lovely...
3
GENERAL MELCHETT
[on catching the spy] Yes, three weeks to smoke the bugger out. Use any method you see fit. Personally, I'd recommend you get a hold of a cocker spaniel, tie your suspect down on a chair with a potty on his head, then pop his todger between two floury buns and shout "Dinner time, Fido!"
2
CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
I was wondering whether, after being tortured by the most vicious sadist in the German army, I might be allowed a week's leave to recuperate.
GENERAL MELCHETT
Excellent idea. Your commanding officer would have to be stark raving mad to refuse you.
CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
You are my commanding officer.
GENERAL MELCHETT
Well?
CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
Can I have a week's leave to recuperate, sir?
GENERAL MELCHETT
Certainly not!
CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
Thank you sir.
GENERAL MELCHETT
Baaa!
1
GENERAL MELCHETT
Are you looking forward to the big push?
PRIVATE BALDRICK
No sir, I'm absolutely terrified.
GENERAL MELCHETT
The healthy humor of the honest tommy. Don't worry my boy, if you should falter, remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you.
CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
About thirty-five miles behind you.
1
LIEUTENANT GEORGE
Permission to shout "Bravo" at an annoyingly loud volume, sir.
GENERAL MELCHETT
Permission granted.
LIEUTENANT GEORGE
[screams] Bravo!
1
CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
And then the final, irrefutable proof. Remember, you mentioned a clever boyfriend...
NURSE MARY
Yes.
CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
I then leapt on the opportunity to test you. I asked if he'd been to one of the great universities, Oxford, Cambridge, or Hull.
NURSE MARY
Well?
CAPTAIN BLACKADDER
You failed to spot that only two of those are great Universities.
NURSE MARY
Swine!
GENERAL MELCHETT
That's right! Oxford's a complete dump!