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HARVEY LIPSCHULTZ
Wear a bra... for the good of the country.
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LOUISA FENN
Harvey, I'm half-black.
HARVEY LIPSCHULTZ
Am I your father?
LOUISA FENN
No. My father was black. My mother's white. I'm a mulatto.
HARVEY LIPSCHULTZ
You're a cookie?
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HARVEY LIPSCHULTZ
[on what patriotism means to him] Oh, many things. But mostly, it means bombs. As an American, I'm proud to be bombing that terrorist country. You knock down two of our skyscrapers, and we bomb you. Simple.
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HARVEY LIPSCHULTZ
Mess with America, and we answer with three little words: Boom. Boom. And boom.
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STUDENT
Jefferson used to sleep with his slaves. The book don't say nothin' about that. They don't even say how he even had slaves. Washington neither. So I don't see why I should bust my black ass reading about a bunch of lies.
HARVEY LIPSCHULTZ
Well, you see Mr. Jackson, my job is to see that you get your black ass into college. And whether these things in these books be lies or not, your achievement tests that you will be taking are standardized. And you'll have to know all these untruths in order for you to pass them, and how many slaves Jefferson had sex with will not be on the test. And if you fail American History, Mr. Jackson, you'll be sitting here again next year. And you'll have to listen all over again to what my shriveled, white, Jewish ass has to say.
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HARVEY LIPSCHULTZ
It's a trick!
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HARVEY LIPSCHULTZ
You must harness your bosoms in order to squash the discrimination by the male gonads.
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HARVEY LIPSCHULTZ
[to Marla] The kids are already afraid of you because they think you have mental problems. I mean that as a compliment.
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STEVEN HARPER
Why are you here?
HARVEY LIPSCHULTZ
Because vice-president "Hitler" has ordered me to stay here.
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HARVEY LIPSCHULTZ
I should have asked him to bless me.
DANNY HANSON
You're Jewish, Harvey. You don't believe in Christ.
HARVEY LIPSCHULTZ
I've been wrong before! Why not hedge my bets?