16
JESSE PINKMAN
What's the point of being an outlaw when you got responsibilities?
BADGER
Darth Vader had responsibilities. He was responsible for the Death Star.
SKINNY PETE
True that. Two of them bitches.
15
JESSE PINKMAN
The game has changed, yo. This is our city, alright? All of it. The whole damn place. Our territory. We're staking our claim. Yo, we sell when we want, where we want. We're gonna be kings, understand? Well, I'm gonna be king and you guys will be, like, princes or dukes or something.
BADGER
I wanna be a knight.
JESSE PINKMAN
But first things first: we gotta get more dealers, y'know, foot soldiers, alright? Now they'll be working for you, you're working for me, and I'm working for you. You follow me? Layered, like nachos. Exponential growth. That's success, with a capital S.
SKINNY PETE
Straight up, straight up.
COMBO
Fo' shizzle.
BADGER
Friggin' awesome.
JESSE PINKMAN
Well, we're set. Boys are ready. Gonna make some mad cheddar, yo. [Walter looks at Jesse] Cheddar, Mr. White. Fat stacks. Dead Presidents. Cash money. We're gonna own this city.
WALTER WHITE
We're not charging enough.
JESSE PINKMAN
What?
WALTER WHITE
Corner the market, then raise the price. Simple economics.
13
SKINNY PETE
Left 4 Dead, yo. The way them bitches get all cranial when you cap 'em in the head, it's like BOOYAH!
BADGER
No, no, no, man, Resident Evil 4 takes it by a long shot.
SKINNY PETE
Oh please, brotha, you're frontin'.
BADGER
No, man, seriously, that chick? The one you gotta rescue? She's smoking, bro. And then you're like the last undead dude on Earth, so how can you not be dipping into that? Talk about inspiring a brother to kick some zombie ass.
SKINNY PETE
They're trying to eat your brain, bro. A dude don't need no more motivation.
BADGER
That's a fair point, I guess. OK, OK, OK, Call of Duty: World at War zombie mode. Now that's the bomb, man. Think on it, bro. They're not just zombies: they're nazi zombies.
SKINNY PETE
Nazi zombies...
BADGER
Yeah, man! SS Waffen troopers, too, which are like the baddest ass nazis of the whole nazi family!
SKINNY PETE
Zombies are dead, man! What difference does it make what their job was when they was living?
BADGER
Dude, you are so historically retarded! Nazi zombies don't wanna eat ya just 'cause they're craving the protein. They do it 'cause, they do it 'cause they hate Americans, man. Talibans. They're the Talibans of the zombie world.
SKINNY PETE
I played the game, bro. They ain't exactly fleet of foot. I'm saying, where's the challenge? At least the zombies in Left 4 Dead clock a respectable 40. You gotta lead 'em and shit.
BADGER
Dude, that's 'cause they're not even zombies! They're just infected! They got like this rage virus. Amps 'em up like they've been smoking the schwag! Apples and oranges, bro. Not even fair to compare the two.
10
JESSE PINKMAN
You got something for me?
SKINNY PETE
Yeah, I found 'em.
JESSE PINKMAN
Is this a five or an S?
SKINNY PETE
Five, yo. No wait...S. No, no...yeah, five.
JESSE PINKMAN
Yeah? Jesus, how the hell do you spell "street" wrong? S-T-R-E-A-T?
SKINNY PETE
Hey, man, I'm slingin' mad volume and fat stackin' benjis, you know what I'm sayin'? I can't be all about, like, spelling and shit.
JESSE PINKMAN
Okay. So they got names?
SKINNY PETE
Hers is like, I dunno, she's just his woman is all. Him, they call Spooge.
JESSE PINKMAN
Spooge? Not Mad Dog? Not Diesel? So lemme get this straight, you got jacked by a guy named Spooge?
3
JESSE PINKMAN
Alright, just wanted to give you a heads up, it's gonna get a little slower smuggling product with Grandpa Anus watching every move I make. Don't worry, I'll keep it flowing.
SKINNY PETE
Right on.
BADGER
Yeah.
JESSE PINKMAN
So how's it selling? Mad volume?
BADGER
Yeah, it's, uh...y'know, it's, uh...it's not so good.
JESSE PINKMAN
What do you mean? How much have you sold?
BADGER
I sold a teenth.
JESSE PINKMAN
One teenth? That's it? To who?
BADGER
[motions to Skinny Pete] To him.
2
SKINNY PETE
And you should've seen the coffin. It was like this shiny white pearlescence, like I'm pretty sure I seen the exact same paint job on a Lexus, right? So we're definitely talking high end.
1
SKINNY PETE
That was... [vomits] ...awesome, bro.
1
BADGER
Ever tell you about my Star Trek script?
SKINNY PETE
Star Trek script?
BADGER
Yeah! I gotta write it down is all. The Enterprise is five parsecs out of Rigel XII. Nothing's going on, Neutral Zone is quiet, the crew is bored, so they put on a pie-eating contest. The whole crew's in the galley. They're eating tulaberry pies–
SKINNY PETE
Tulaberry?
BADGER
Tulaberries. From Gamma Quadrant, yo.
SKINNY PETE
That's Voyager, dude!
BADGER
Okay, blueberries then, and they're eating blueberry pies...
SKINNY PETE
Better.
BADGER
...as fast as the replicator can churn 'em out. [imitates replicator noise.] Burdalurdalurp-pssst! Burdalurdalurp-pssst! Finally, it's down to just three: Kirk, Spock, and Chekov. Okay, Spock always wins these things.
SKINNY PETE
How is Spock gonna beat Kirk, yo? Spock's like a toothbrush! Look at Kirk! He's got room to spare!
BADGER
Spock has total Vulcan control over his digestion! You wanna hear this or not?
SKINNY PETE
Yeah, yeah, go.
BADGER
Okay, finally – Kirk, he can't take it anymore. He yorks. Now it's just down to Chekov and Spock. But Chekov, y'see, he's got a whole fat stack of quatloos riding on this. And he has figured out a way to win. He's got Scotty back in the transporter room locked in on Chekov's stomach. Every time Chekov eats a pie, Scotty beams it right out of him.
SKINNY PETE
Where is he sending them, the toilet?
BADGER
Space.
SKINNY PETE
Uugghh!
BADGER
There's blueberries just floating out there frozen – because it's in space – and Chekov is just shoveling them into his mouth, and–and Spock is like, "I can't believe this Russian is defeating me!" Meanwhile, Scotty's in the transporter room fiddling with levers when Lieutenant Uhura comes in and she's got, like, her big pointies, and Scotty's fingers are all sweaty.
SKINNY PETE
Ohh!
BADGER
Chekov screams, he sprays blood out of his mouth...
SKINNY PETE
Ohhhh!
BADGER
...Scotty beamed his guts into space!
SKINNY PETE
No way!
0
BADGER
You know, I don't exactly know how to feel about all this.
SKINNY PETE
For real, yo; the whole thing felt kinda shady, you know, like, morality-wise.
BADGER
Totally.
WALTER H. WHITE
How do you feel now?
SKINNY PETE
Better.
BADGER
Yeah, definitely improving.
-1
SKINNY PETE
What do you think all those sparkles and shit are? Transporters are breaking you apart right down to your molecules and bones. They're makin' a copy. That dude who comes out on the other side? He's not you. He's a color Xerox.
BADGER
So you're telling me every time Kirk went into the transport he was killing himself? So over the whole series, there was, like, 147 Kirks?
SKINNY PETE
At least. Dude, no, why do you think McCoy never liked to beam nowhere? 'Cause he's a doctor, bitch! Look it up, it's science!