13
PROSECUTOR
What if I told you that the accusers correctly described Michael's penis to investigators?
DAVE CHAPPELLE
Sir, I have never seen Michael's alleged penis, but I bet you that I can describe it all right? Let me guess... there's a head, a shaft, some balls, hair - maybe pressed, permed hair, with glitter sprinkled on it.
PROSECUTOR
That's correct.
DAVE CHAPPELLE
Whoa... how'd I know? Come on dude, I couldn't pick my own penis out of a line up, all right? And me and penis is like this, son.
6
DAVE CHAPPELLE
Listen, lady, the burden of proof is on the state. [shouts] On the State! You have got to prove - *to me* - beyond a reasonable doubt whether or not this man is a pisser.
PROSECUTOR
Aren't your doubts unreasonable?
DAVE CHAPPELLE
No, it's not unreasonable. We're talking about a justice system that had 500 people whose cases were overturned by DNA evidence. I seen a tape where five cops beat up a nigga and they said that they had a reasonable doubt. I got my doubts too! All right? How come they never found Biggie and Tupac's murderers, but they could arrest O.J. the next day. Nicole Simpson can't rap!
DAVE CHAPPELLE
[shouts] I want justice! You're out of order, Miss!
DAVE CHAPPELLE
[shouts] This whole goddamn court is out of order. Everybody!
PROSECUTOR
[after whispering to her partner] Mr. Chappelle, you're dismissed.
DAVE CHAPPELLE
[pees on prosecutors while seated at the witness stand] And that's from the heart!
0
PROSECUTOR
So, you don't think Michael Jackson is guilty?
DAVE CHAPPELLE
No, man. He made "Thriller". [pause] Thriller.
0
PROSECUTOR
You know, he's been accused of this before.
DAVE CHAPPELLE
So? Some people say the cucumbers taste better pickled.
PROSECUTOR
What?
DAVE CHAPPELLE
Huh?
PROSECUTOR
What?
DAVE CHAPPELLE
Huh?
0
DAVE CHAPPELLE
Look, man, look. Michael Jackson has many faces - none of them look guilty to me. You gotta look in the eyes, not the noses.
PROSECUTOR
He's been accused of this more than once.
DAVE CHAPPELLE
So? Some people say that cucumbers taste better pickled.
PROSECUTOR
What?
DAVE CHAPPELLE
Huh?
PROSECUTOR
What?
DAVE CHAPPELLE
Huh?
0
PROSECUTOR
Mr. Chappelle, what would it take to convince you that R. Kelly is guilty?
DAVE CHAPPELLE
Okay, I'd have to see a video of him singing "Pee On You," two forms of government ID, a police officer there to verify the whole thing, four or five of my buddies and Neal taking notes, and R. Kelly's grandma to confirm his identity.
R. KELLY'S GRANDMA
That's my Robert, always peeing on people.
-1
PROSECUTOR
Are you aware that Robert Blake has been accused of murdering his wife?
DAVE CHAPPELLE
Oh yeah. Baretta did that shit.