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ALEX TREBEK
And it takes us to Cliff. Cliff, good news for you. Both of your opponents came up with incorrect responses, and what that means is that even if you're wrong, and as long as you didn't do anything foolish, like wager everything, you're a cinch winner.
CLIFF CLAVIN
Well then, we don't have to see my answer, do we, Alex? [Places his jacket over his monitor.] I will see you at the Tournament of Champions.
ALEX TREBEK
[Taking the jacket from Cliff's monitor.] Cliff, we're running out of time, and we are gonna have to take a look at your response. You wrote down... "Who are three people who've never been in my kitchen?" No, I'm sorry, that too is wrong. The correct response is "Who are the real names of Cary Grant, Tony Curtis, and Joan Crawford?"
CLIFF CLAVIN
Well, be that as it may, Alex, those people have never been in my kitchen.
ALEX TREBEK
Well, I'm sure they haven't. But obviously that's not what we were going for when we wrote up that clue.
CLIFF CLAVIN
Obvious to who?
ALEX TREBEK
Cliff, it's all right. You don't have to worry. Unless you risked more than $21,600, you will be the new Jeopardy! champion. So let's take a look and see what your wager was. You bet... 22,000 Big Ones! Takes you down to $0. You bet it all. Cliff, why would you do something like that?
CLIFF CLAVIN
It's because I knew that those people have never been in my kitchen! You can ask them, come on! Tony Curtis is still alive! Get them on the phone. Go ahead! I'll pay for the call.
ALEX TREBEK
It isn't gonna work Cliff, sorry. Agnes, $400 isn't a big total, but today, that is gonna make you Jeopardy! champion. Congratulations.
CLIFF CLAVIN
No, she's not! I'm the champion! I answered all those questions. You saw me America!
NORM PETERSON
Come on, let's leave now, nobody will know we were with him. [Woody and Norm leave from the audience]
CLIFF CLAVIN
Tony Curtis, if you're out there and you can hear me, call in and I'll split the pot with you! Oh for crying out loud, look at. Any mail carriers out there?
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CLIFF CLAVIN
It doesn't seem fair, does it Norm?
NORM PETERSON
What?
CLIFF CLAVIN
Well that I should have so much knowledge when there are people in the world that have to go to bed stupid every night.
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CLIFF CLAVIN
Did I ever tell you kids about the first Thanksgiving? It took place between the ancient Egyptains and aliens from a distant galaxy.
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JOHNNY CARSON
[after telling Cliff's joke and hearing the audience dislike it] Whoa, stay where you are. Fortunately folks, in a situations like this, the band has instructions to come over and form a human barrier in front of the star. How did that line get on the cue cards, anyway? I should have done that joke with one of those big blue dots covering my face. Who wrote that joke anyway?
CLIFF CLAVIN
[angrily getting to his feet] I wrote that joke, and it was great!
JOHNNY CARSON
Pardon me?
CLIFF CLAVIN
The problem wasn't the joke, the problem was you! You botched it! You botched my joke, Johnny Carson!
NORM PETERSON
Sit down.
CLIFF CLAVIN
[being let away by security] I'm not going to sit down! I wrote that joke! Get your hands off me! Is this the way you treat your talent, Carson?
JOHNNY CARSON
[to audience] Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of NBC.
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CLIFF CLAVIN
[laughing] Yeah, there'll be a lawsuit, that's for sure. In a year, this is gonna be the Clavin Broadcasting Company.
SECURITY GUARD
Yep, his name's in the computer. And here's a flash: he's a Postal worker.
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WOODY BOYD
Wait, this is a misunderstanding.
EMILY
Yeah, listen to him.
KELLY GAINES
[to Emily] You stay out of this!
CLIFF CLAVIN
Oh, Woody's babes comin' ta blows!
KELLY GAINES
[after Emily blocks the door, keeping her from leaving] You get out of my way right now or so help me I'll, I'll, I'll hurt your feelings!
EMILY
You do, and I'll hurt yours right back. [the guys at the bar turn away, realizing the fight's gone 'tame,' chanting "Kitten fight. Kitten fight. Kitten fight."]
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ERNIE 'COACH' PANTUSSO
Normie, Normie, how did you propose to Vera?
NORM PETERSON
Well, I ah, you know something? I don't think I did. Do you think there could be a loophole in this terrible tragedy?
CLIFF CLAVIN
No, not if you consumated it.
NORM PETERSON
Egad, why couldn't we have had this conversation yesterday?!
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CLIFF CLAVIN
I don't see what the fuss is over this whole will business. When I die, everything goes to ma.
NORM PETERSON
That's great, Cliff, but what if she dies first?
CLIFF CLAVIN
Shut up. Shut up, Peterson. SHUT UP, THE WHOLE SICK LOT OF YOU.
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CLIFF CLAVIN
I have impossibly high standards for a woman.
NORM PETERSON
Yeah, she has to like you.
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SAM MALONE
I'm turning the key, but nothing's happening.
CLIFF CLAVIN
That's because I've got it rigged up with an anti-theft device. What I do is I turn the wheel all the way to the left.
SAM MALONE
Got it.
CLIFF CLAVIN
Then I turn the key as hard as I can.
SAM MALONE
Oh dear. Cliff, I just broke off the key in the ignition.
CLIFF CLAVIN
I said "As hard as I can", Sammy.