33
CLIFF CLAVIN
Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
6
CLIFF CLAVIN
As a rule your psycho killers don't have families. They're loners. They may have jobs. They're good to their mothers. By and large they sit alone at night in a dark room writing their depraved thoughts in a diary.
NORM PETERSON
Cliffie, you keep a diary, don't you?
CLIFF CLAVIN
I keep a journal, Norm. A journal.
5
CLIFF CLAVIN
So, how's the career going, Nick? Last time we chatted you were talking about marketing some kind of slot machine for the home.
NICK TORTELLI
Oh, yeah... "Flush and Win." It was a great idea. The only problem is the people had a difficult time retrieving their change
4
WOODY BOYD
What's a Freudian slip?
CLIFF CLAVIN
Why, it's when you say one thing when you're actually thinking about a mother.
3
WOODY BOYD
Sam, I found an apartment.
SAM MALONE
Hey, good for you, Woody.
WOODY BOYD
It's got everything I ever wanted.
SAM MALONE
What's that?
WOODY BOYD
A living room and a bedroom.
CLIFF CLAVIN
Dare to dream there, Woodman.
SAM MALONE
[looks at the apartment newspaper listing] Isn't this in Chinatown?
WOODY BOYD
I don't think so Sam.
SAM MALONE
Well yeah, I think it is. Did there seem to be a lot of Chinese restaurants around?
WOODY BOYD
Yeah, I guess so.
CLIFF CLAVIN
Eh, a lot of signs hanging hither and yonder in Chinese there?
WOODY BOYD
Yeah, come to think of it.
NORM PETERSON
Yeah, lots of Chinese people walking around the street I suppose.
WOODY BOYD
Well yeah, that could just be a coincidence, you know?! Tell you what I'll do. I'll call my landlady. If anybody would know, Mrs. Chung would.
2
CARLA TORTELLI-LEBEC
You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. You're like vampires - big butted, do-nothing vampires. And now you're trying to make Kevin one of your recruits. Well, I say it's got to stop. I'm not going to let you screw up his career.
SAM MALONE
Come on. Lighten up, will ya. It's just Kevin's getting a little carried away with bolts, that's all.
CARLA TORTELLI-LEBEC
Yeah, sure Sammy. Today it's how many bolts are in the floor. Tomorrow, they'll have him onto if the Brady Bunch crashes in the Andes, who's going to eat who first.
WOODY BOYD
They'll probably eat the maid cause she ain't kin.
CLIFF CLAVIN
Well, you know but if they're smart, they'll ask her first how she should best prepare herself.
2
CLIFF CLAVIN
What a pathetic display. I'm ashamed God made me a man.
CARLA TORTELLI
I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging either.
2
ERNIE 'COACH' PANTUSSO
I got a great idea, right? I'll think of number from one and ten. Who comes closest gets to go with Sam.
NORM PETERSON
Fair enough.
ERNIE 'COACH' PANTUSSO
Fair enough?
NORM PETERSON
OK.
ERNIE 'COACH' PANTUSSO
OK? Normie?
NORM PETERSON
Uh, seven.
ERNIE 'COACH' PANTUSSO
Carla?
ERNIE 'COACH' PANTUSSO
Nine.
ERNIE 'COACH' PANTUSSO
Cliffy?
CLIFF CLAVIN
Two.
ERNIE 'COACH' PANTUSSO
I'll say three.
CLIFF CLAVIN
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Uh, Coach, Coach, you can't say anything. You know what it is.
ERNIE 'COACH' PANTUSSO
I know. It's six.
NORM PETERSON
Why did you say three?
ERNIE 'COACH' PANTUSSO
Three's my lucky number.
1
CLIFF CLAVIN
[at Mr. Pubb's]Look at all the neon in here.
NORM PETERSON
It looks like the inside of a UFO.
CLIFF CLAVIN
Actually they're quite different... I guess.
1
MARGARET 'MAGGIE' O'KEEFE
I can't tell you how hard these months of separation have been. The men up in Canada, well they just don't compare to you.
CLIFF CLAVIN
Oh, oh.
MARGARET 'MAGGIE' O'KEEFE
They're just pale, pathetic imitations of you Cliff.
CARLA LEBEC
Boy, that must be one butt ugly country.