5
WANDA SYKES
Why'd you fire the black man?
LARRY DAVID
I fired the black man... because... he's the guy who set up the whole system here and it doesn't work! And he's here like... every week, I'm givin' him checks, we've got five remotes, I can't turn it on... but I know, you know, *black* man can *never* do anything *wrong*, at least to get fired from a job! Black people *always* do everything right!
WANDA SYKES
[Walks over to TV, pushes button, fixes it] You gotta turn the damn satellite on for the TV to work! See the little green light? Just gotta turn it on! Or you can fire the black man. Whatever works for you.
2
CHERYL DAVID
Wanda, I have something terrible to tell you. Krazee-Eyes is cheating on you.
WANDA SYKES
What? How do you know?
CHERYL DAVID
Larry told me.
WANDA SYKES
That son of a bitch. I'm gonna find him and kick his ass.
CHERYL DAVID
Are you going to tell him that Larry said it?
WANDA SYKES
You goddamn right I am!
1
WANDA SYKES
You know what's going on.
LARRY DAVID
Huh?
WANDA SYKES
You have a racist dog. The dog hates black people!
CHERYL DAVID
Wanda...
WANDA SYKES
Larry, you train the dog to hate black people?
LARRY DAVID
No, I didn't train it to hate black people.
WANDA SYKES
Has it barked at any white people?
CHERYL DAVID
...No, he's...he's...
LARRY DAVID
So he hasn't barked at any white people.
WANDA SYKES
Exactly. Your dog is racist.
LARRY DAVID
Sheriff's racist?
WANDA SYKES
"Sheriff"? That's a perfect name for a racist dog. Where'd you get this dog: the Klan meeting or something?
CHERYL DAVID
Larry picked him out at the pound.
LARRY DAVID
The pound.
WANDA SYKES
Sheriff, the fuckin' dog that eats black people. What the fuck, man? I'll tell you what, y'all stay here, pet your crazy-ass racist dog, but I am not bringing my black ass back up into this fucking "hotel" until y'all get rid of that fucking Klan dog. Gotta Klan dog! Lookin' at me like I'm a damn T-bone!
1
LARRY DAVID
Ok, Wanda...
WANDA SYKES
Oh, you know who I am, ok. I thought I would have to turn around and show you my big ass.
LARRY DAVID
OK, you completely misinterpreted that...
WANDA SYKES
How am I supposed to interpret it? You shouted out 'Hey, Big Ass Wanda'.
LARRY DAVID
I didn't say big ass, I was just saying hello.
WANDA SYKES
Is that how you say hello?
LARRY DAVID
Uh, well...
WANDA SYKES
'Hey big ass' or 'Hey assy' or 'Hey I know your ass'. What is that? That's not how you say hello.
LARRY DAVID
Perhaps not.
0
LARRY DAVID
I am not obsessed with asses.
WANDA SYKES
Ok, assy. And what is all that shit all over your shirt? You been scrounging around, looking for ass?
0
WANDA SYKES
I thought I'd never say this but Larry is right
0
CHERYL DAVID
Actually, this weekend is the big NRDC benefit we've been working on for months, Alanis Morisette is going to be there...
WANDA SYKES
Why don't we just call the terrorists and ask them to pick a weekend more suitable for you?
0
LARRY DAVID
Let me ask you a question. You've slept with a lot of white man, a lot of black man, I'm sure? Is there any discernable difference?
WANDA SYKES
What?!
LARRY DAVID
Let me rephrase that! Let me rephrase that!
WANDA SYKES
Yeah, rephrase it!
LARRY DAVID
Uhm, is there any discernable difference between a white man and a black man, you know..[points at his crotch and indicates "size" with his hands]
WANDA SYKES
Why would you ask me something like that, Larry?
LARRY DAVID
My friend wants to know. Why? What's the big deal?
WANDA SYKES
I am NOT gonna answer that!
0
WANDA SYKES
Larry, you are an ass man!
LARRY DAVID
I am not an ass man! I don't have an ass fetish! I am not obssessed with asses.