2
MARY JO
Suzanne, we can't go around in black face, that's racist!
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER
Why? If Dustin Hoffman was gonna play Martin Luther King, you don't think he'd wear black makeup?
JULIA SUGARBAKER
Suzanne, Dustin Hoffman would never play Martin Luther King — that part would go to a black actor.
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER
Well I think that's racist! I mean, I think it should go to whoever the best person is — and that could be Dustin Hoffman.
2
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER
Oh, for Pete's sake. Every time you two get a little cranky, you start going on these man bashing jags, you know? "Men are the cause of all trouble in the world. Men invented high heels and cheap panty hose." I bet you next thing you know, you'll be accusing them of that whatchamacallit, that PMS envy.
MARY JO
PMS envy? I swear, somebody from the Geraldo Rivera show ought to follow you around with a tape recorder.
2
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER
I can’t believe first class is full up. We’re back here traveling in coach, we might as well be on a subway.
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER
And I'll tell you something else. I am not eating octopus, walking around in my stocking feet or takin a bath with my neighbors no matter what those little people say.
JULIA SUGARBAKER
It's always stimulating to travel with the international voice of racism.
1
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER
She said it was a gag gift.
JULIA SUGARBAKER
Well, it certainly made me gag.
1
JULIA SUGARBAKER
Just remember, Clareton is not the only school in Atlanta.
CHARLENE FRAZIER STILLFIELD
What are you trying to say?
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER
What she's trying to say is: you're stupid too. I get that all the time. They think just because we got extra help in the boob department, we got skimped on everything else.
1
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER
I never use catalogs. I'd rather go in the store and see all the salespeople groveling and sucking up to you.
JULIA SUGARBAKER
Pardon me, I never knew they were so solicitous at the K-Mart.
1
JULIA SUGARBAKER
Where is Mrs. Fricke?
CHARLENE
She's in the van still stuck on the highway. (to Anthony) I bet she's mad. I mean, I hate to criticize, but even on a good day she's kind of cranky. (to the ladies) He says she's in a good mood.
MARY JO
Gee. Maybe we should have stuck her out on the freeway in a leaky van a long time ago.
CHARLENE
What? He says she's happy because this is her last furniture shipment and if it's not delivered by midnight tonight her entire job is free.
JULIA SUGARBAKER
Where would she get a bizarre idea like that?
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER
I saw it on a pizza ad.
MARY JO
Great, Suzanne. Why don't you just give away free pepperoni on the sofas?!
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER
There! You see? That shows how good you'd be at sales because that wouldn't work at all. You people act like it's just so easy for me to hustle up business for this place, like I've just got to stand on the corner and go "Hey! Drapes and coffee tables!" and people just come running. Well you're wrong. I have to flirt, I have to deal, I have to lie, and sometimes I even have to threaten. THAT is called SALES. It's not pretty. I am, but it's not.
CHARLENE
Suzanne, I can't believe you did that. That is thousands and thousands of dollars. We can't afford to pay for all that stuff.
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER
Hey, I sell stuff — I'm the front-end person. You're supposed to deliver it — you're the rear-end people.
1
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER
[trying to find a dress for the class reunion] Maybe I have gained a little weight. I don't think it's that noticeable. I mean, it's not like I'm going to enter the banquet room followed by a tidal wave. I'll just wear something that, you know, covers everything up.
JULIA SUGARBAKER
Well okay, but you've gained a little weight in your face too.
JULIA SUGARBAKER
Okay that's it! I don't have to take this. If I wanted to be insulted I could have stayed at home and waited for a crank call! Anyway, you all have certainly made your point. I'll just be going now. That is if you think the streets of Atlanta can stand the strain of *both* me and my Mercedes.
ANTHONY BOUVIER
Hey Suzanne! You're just the person I'm looking for. How would you like to sign up for a two day food fast?
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER
How would you like fat lip?!
1
REGGIE MAC
I've gotta go to Mr. Fladbeau's office and ask if I can take my break now.
JULIA SUGARBAKER
Can't you just take it?
REGGIE MAC
Well, I only get one a week.
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER
Don't worry about Mr. Fladbeau, I'll take care of that. You're not leaving this room.
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER
Mr. Fladbeau! This is Suzanne Sugarbaker! Reggie Mac is taking his break now, thank you!!
1
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER
Well, I left her a note on the windshield.
JULIA SUGARBAKER
Saying what?
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER
What I always say in a note when I ding a parked car. "Hi there, I dinged your car. The people watching me write this probably think I'm leaving you my name and address. Signed, Guess Who."