1
ROZ DOYLE
It's weird, my skin tastes kind of salty.
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
Oh, I'd say mostly sweet, but a little salty.
ROZ DOYLE
That wasn't me, Bulldog.
GIL CHESTERTON
That was me you licked. And if it happens again, I shall consider it strike one.
0
CARRIE
Excuse me, Dr. Crane?
DR. FRASIER CRANE
Hi, Carrie.
CARRIE
Hi. I have your pants.
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
Whoa, doc! [honks horn] Where'd you leave them?
DR. FRASIER CRANE
They're new, Bulldog. Some of the finer department stores deliver garments to their busier customers.
CARRIE
Actually, we don't. I just thought it would be nice to see you again.
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
Excuse me. You look very familiar. Didn't I let you pour a flaming tequila shooter down my throat at Sloppy Nick's during ah, last year's Indy 500?
CARRIE
Ahhh, no.
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
Well, what are you doing next Memorial Day?
DR. FRASIER CRANE
Bulldog, as certain as I am that any young lady in the world would love to set your face on fire, Carrie, I believe, is here to see me.
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
Okay. Hey, you can't blame a dog for trying. Just on the off chance it might make a difference, I drive a '94 Camaro. [He leaves]
CARRIE
Is he gay? [Frasier looks at her, surprised] I've been studying about this in school, and it seems like he's really overcompensating.
DR. FRASIER CRANE
Yes, well, I'm not sure. But I certainly look forward to running that theory by him.
0
NOEL SHEMPSKY
[bows over in pain] Ohhhh!
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
[slapping Noel's head] Shake it off, kid! Nobody likes a whiner!
0
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
Hey! What'd I tell you about smoking in the booth?
ROZ DOYLE
Oh, bite me! I need something to kill my appetite - besides your STUPID, UGLY FACE!
0
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
We got cheeseburgers, donuts, french fries, tacos...
GIL CHESTERTON
And a duck confit that's as rich as Donald Trump and twice as greasy.
0
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
Hey doc. Roz. Wait till you hear this. I got a job today.
DR. FRASIER CRANE
Really?
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
You ought to rub me for good luck.
ROZ DOYLE
Where?
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
Well start on my knee, work your way up.
ROZ DOYLE
Where's the job?
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
Oh, it's this new all-sports station. I got the breakfast slot. I even came up with a slogan: 'Coffee, eggs and Bulldog.'
DR. FRASIER CRANE
Sounds like some sort of a Malaysian Happy Meal
0
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
[Bulldog carries on with his show] I asked the Raiders defensive line to describe their tackling skills and here's what they said:
DR. FRASIER CRANE
[recording plays] Three little maids from school are we, three little maiddddds from school!
0
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
Hello, this is Dr. Julius Erving. I'm calling for Dr. Niles Crane. His receptionist said he might be there.
DR. FRASIER CRANE
I'm sorry, I am expecting him if you'd like to leave a message.
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
No, no, nothing important. Some of the boys here at the club have a little bet going about "The Mikado".
DR. FRASIER CRANE
Well, perhaps I can help, I'm Niles' brother, Dr. Frasier Crane and as luck would have it, I was in an all-male version of "The Mikado" at Oxford. People still ask to see my "Yum-Yum!"
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
I don't suppose you happen to remember the words to "Three Little Maids"?
DR. FRASIER CRANE
Well, let me see. Of course my falsetto isn't what it used to be, but, um...
DR. FRASIER CRANE
"Three little maids from school are we, prim as a schoolgirl well well be, filled to the brim with girlish glee, three little maids from school!"
DR. FRASIER CRANE
Dad, would you please be quiet? I'm trying to settle a bet here!
MARTIN CRANE
You sure are. Some caller bet Bulldog he couldn't make you sing over the air! [laughs]
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
[normal voice] Sayonara, Doc!
0
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
Jack, how can I put this to you delicately? You're a moron! Shut up! You know squat! You know less than squat! You and squat could go to the movies and squat could wear an "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt!
0
KATE COSTAS
Stop busting Frasier's chops; enough said?
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
Well I could, but see all these lines lit up? They're all waiting to tell me how funny it was.
KATE COSTAS
[to Pete, his producer] Are all these callers waiting to tell Bulldog how much they liked the joke he played on Frasier?
PETE
All except the guy on nine, he thinks Bulldog sucks.
KATE COSTAS
Because of what he did to Frasier?
PETE
No, just in general.
BOB 'BULLDOG' BRISCOE
So, what do you want me to do?
KATE COSTAS
If you think I'm going to allow you to publicly mock one of our most respected hosts on air just for the sake of higher ratings, you and I are going to get along just fine! [smiles and leaves]