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NILES CRANE
There I was lying in wait, with my little plastic knife clenched between my teeth, when the closet door was flung open and I found myself face to face with the upstairs maid. She began screaming what I gather were some very unflattering things in idiomatic Guatemalan, when Maris stumbled upon the scene and completely misconstrued it. The next thing I knew she ordered me out of the house! I barely had time to grab my pantaloons and buckle my swash.
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DAPHNE MOON
I feel very close to you.
NILES CRANE
I feel very close to you too Daphne. You know it's easy being someone you feel close to when you feel close to someone who's so close.
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NILES CRANE
The truth is, Maris and I are in a bit of a rut. We seem to have lapsed into this grey, numbing blandness.
FRASIER
Well, that's perfectly normal in a relationship of some years. Maybe you should try spicing things up a bit?
NILES CRANE
You mean, boudoir wise?
FRASIER
For starters, yeah.
NILES CRANE
Like how?
FRASIER
Well, the two of you could... well, you could... well, it's you and Maris, so you could... I'm stumped.
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NILES CRANE
I'll never be able to face the maid again.
MARTIN CRANE
I don't think it's your face she'll remember.
MARTIN CRANE
Oh come on, Niles, everybody has an embarrassing story to tell. Did I ever tell you about the time I got locked outside in the backyard in my underwear?
NILES CRANE
Only every Thanksgiving.
MARTIN CRANE
Well, don't worry, I won't be telling that story this year!
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DAPHNE MOON
Dr. Crane...
NILES CRANE
Yes, Daphne?
DAPHNE MOON
We're losing the fire!
NILES CRANE
No we're not, it's burning with the heat of a thousand suns!
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FRASIER
All right, just go ahead. Get your shots in.
NILES CRANE
No, no. I'm just glad you're all right. I would have assumed she killed after mating.
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FRASIER
Once a woman has dipped her toe into Crane Lake, dry land is never the same again.
NILES CRANE
Yes, she's probably sitting at home writing "Mrs. Bebe Crane" over and over again in her Algebra book.
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NILES CRANE
[thinking that Maris is having an affair] I just got in the car and started driving.
FRASIER
Well, I'm glad you ended up here.
NILES CRANE
Actually, I ended up at the Oregon border-check. I had fruit in the car so I had to turn back.
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DAPHNE MOON
Did I ever mention one of my ancestors was a mutineer on the H.M.S. Bounty?
MARTIN CRANE
No kidding.
DAPHNE MOON
Yeah, from what we can tell, he made it safely to Pitcairn Island, where he was quite fruitful and multiplied. You know, for all I know, there's some girl who looks exactly like me running around the South Seas, frolicking in the surf, all brown-skinned and bare-breasted...
NILES CRANE
So you want to build a two-masted schooner...
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DAPHNE MOON
Dr. Crane! Are you all right?
NILES CRANE
I'm fine. Just a little hot. And foamy.
MARTIN CRANE
You know what must have happened? My "Hot & Foamy" must have exploded!
DAPHNE MOON
He was a detective, you know.