9
NILES CRANE
Well, no wonder you're heartbroken. You've just lost the only woman you could ever possibly, sometime down the line, perhaps fall in love with. I'm surprised the country music people haven't jumped all over this one.
5
FRASIER
[has everyone tell him his faults] Fuss budget! Well, listen, if you don't mind the substitution, I think maybe "demanding" is more the mot juste.
DAPHNE MOON
Pretentious.
FRASIER
Right, you see, this is very good. Roz, you must have something?
ROZ DOYLE
Well, you are a little full of yourself.
FRASIER
Great. Okay, pompous.
ROZ DOYLE
And you do tend to ramble on with the callers.
FRASIER
A tad loquacious.
MARTIN CRANE
Pretentious.
FRASIER
Dad, I already wrote that down.
MARTIN CRANE
Underline it.
NILES CRANE
Oh, snippy.
DAPHNE MOON
Sarcastic.
MARTIN CRANE
Bossy.
NILES CRANE
Huffy.
ROZ DOYLE
Vain.
FRASIER
Oh, how nice we've finally found an activity we all enjoy together!
MARTIN CRANE
Oh, don't worry about it Frasier. You'll be fine, you'll bounce back. You're tough.
ROZ DOYLE
And resourceful.
NILES CRANE
Resilient.
MARTIN CRANE
Optimistic.
NILES CRANE
Tenacious.
DAPHNE MOON
Conceited.
MARTIN CRANE
Wrong list, Daph.
4
NILES CRANE
I'll, I'd like a, a petit filet mignon, very lean, not so lean that it lacks flavour, but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate. And I don't want it cooked - just lightly seared on either side, pink in the middle; not a true pink, but not a mauve either, something in between, bearing in mind the slightest error either way, and it's ruined.
4
DIANE CHAMBERS
Niles, do you remember the last time I was in town and we dined together? You had just started dating this woman, she was the queerest little creature... [accepts a glass of wine from Frasier] Thank you. She ate everyone's sorbet, and then she had to lie down in the ladies' lounge while the coat-check girl massaged her abdomen!
DIANE CHAMBERS
Oh, I hope I haven't put my foot in it. You and she didn't get married and live happily ever after, did you?
NILES CRANE
No, can't say as we did.
3
NILES CRANE
Oh, I know who you should see. Dr. Gary Numan - his office is in my building. He has a very successful practice. I saw a Lichtenstein hanging in his office.
FRASIER
Oh, a Lichtenstein! Sounds perfect!
3
NILES CRANE
You're still consorting with that barracuda?
FRASIER
Well, a barracuda is what you want in an agent, Niles. Well, it's just that the station's been sold, I was hoping she might have some scuttlebutt on the new owner. I must admit she's rather hard to get a hold of these days.
NILES CRANE
Oh really? I thought one just drew a pentagram on the floor and chanted "I summon thee" three times.
2
NILES CRANE
What's going on?
FRASIER
Faye's mother thinks that we're Jewish, just play along.
NILES CRANE
Okay...why?
FRASIER
Well, it's important to Faye; Faye is important to me. Do you think you can pull it off?
NILES CRANE
No problem. [checks oven] Ohhh, ham!
FRASIER
Niles, Please! We've got to find a time to tell Dad about this, too.
NILES CRANE
You mean Papa.
FRASIER
Stop it!
2
NILES CRANE
This is absurd! Why don't we just call Allison up and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us? We can both get on an extension.
FRASIER
(sarcastic) Better yet, why don't we just get on a bicycle built for two, ride over there and ask her what's so strange about us.
2
BEBE GLAZER
Do you have any idea how hot you are? I get offers everyday from other stations offering the moon for you.
FRASIER
Good Lord, am I really that hot?
BEBE GLAZER
Are you kidding? If I were a pot roast, I'd be done.
NILES CRANE
Hello, I'm Niles, a person at the table.
BEBE GLAZER
Niles, thank God you're here. Back me up. Give him some sound, brotherly advice.
NILES CRANE
She's the Devil, Frasier. Run fast, run far.
2
FRASIER
She's back! The scourge of my existence!
NILES CRANE
Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the wall...
DIANE CHAMBERS
I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of...of, um...
NILES CRANE
Sea kelp?
DIANE CHAMBERS
Exactly right, sea kelp!
MARTIN CRANE
Oh, that's funny; I thought he said “seek help”