1
EB DAWSON
[after botching up Oliver's dating advice] A fine father you are!
OLIVER WENDELL DOUGLAS
I'm not your father!
EB DAWSON
I'm glad! The kind of advice you give!
1
OLIVER WENDELL DOUGLAS
Uh, please, you haven't told me what you think of the farm, yet.
HANK KIMBALL
What I think? [trying to avoid answering] Well, uh. Actually, it's, uh. Well, you see, a farm is, uh. [getting into jeep] I'll try and rush this report right through!
OLIVER WENDELL DOUGLAS
If there's something wrong, I'd like to know what it is.
HANK KIMBALL
What it is? What it is.
OLIVER WENDELL DOUGLAS
Yes, give me your frank opinion.
HANK KIMBALL
Frank opinion? Well, uh.
EB DAWSON
Want me to wipe the perspiration off your forehead, Mr. Kimball?
0
EB DAWSON
Morning! Breakfast ready?
LISA DOUGLAS
Yes.
EB DAWSON
Well, let's have the hotcakes and get it over with.
LISA DOUGLAS
We're not having any hotscakes this morning.
OLIVER DOUGLAS
No hotcakes?
LISA DOUGLAS
I've made something different.
OLIVER DOUGLAS
Hey, wonderful!
EB DAWSON
Let's not go off half-cocked till we get a look at it.
OLIVER DOUGLAS
Knock it off, anything's better than the hotcakes.
LISA DOUGLAS
Here we are. [Holds up what looks like a long, lumpy pastry on a baking sheet]
OLIVER DOUGLAS
It looks like a boa constrictor with lumps.
LISA DOUGLAS
That's the last time I cook you a Spanish omelette.
0
OLIVER DOUGLAS
Eb, why don't you pull up the weeds that are growing in the wheat.
EB DAWSON
Can't I just pull up the wheat? There ain't as much of that.
0
EB DAWSON
What do you do for a livin'?
MORT WARNER
I write for Newsweek.
EB DAWSON
I write for Newsweek too, but they never send it.
0
EB DAWSON
Who is this Brian Williams they mention on pages 1,2,3,1 and 4?
OLIVER WENDELL DOUGLAS
You don't know him? He grew up here in Hooterville.
EB DAWSON
Hmmm. Uh, is he a tall boy with green hair?
OLIVER WENDELL DOUGLAS
Green hair?
EB DAWSON
Naw, that was Betty Abernathy. She used to eat chlorophyll and it went to her head.
0
EB DAWSON
[reading one of Arnold the Pig's reviews] The Pixley Press says he's the greatest thing to hit the stage since Laurence Olivier.
LISA DOUGLAS
They did?
EB DAWSON
Yes! Who is she?
OLIVER WENDELL DOUGLAS
It's a he, and how dare they compare a pig to a great actor!
EB DAWSON
The Ziffels sure are excited about him. They always wanted Arnold to be a veterinarian, but now they've decided to let him take up acting as a career!
0
EB DAWSON
[reading story from newspaper] Arnold will be accompanied to Chicago by Oliver Wendell Douglas, the famous pig lawyer!
OLIVER WENDELL DOUGLAS
[irritated] Pig lawyer?
LISA DOUGLAS
And when you went to Harvard they said you wouldn't amount to anything.
0
BAGGAGE MAN
[Arnold grabs his bag at airport claim] Where's his check?
LISA DOUGLAS
He ate it.
BAGGAGE MAN
I'm sorry, no baggage without a check!
EB DAWSON
You'd better show a little more respect to Arnold! You know what he's worth?
BAGGAGE MAN
Ah, with the current piece of pork, I'd say about thirty bucks!
0
OLIVER WENDELL DOUGLAS
[finds Eb with his head stuck in the freezer] Eb, what are you doing?
EB DAWSON
[his head covered with frost and ice on his head] Freezing a part in my hair.
OLIVER WENDELL DOUGLAS
What? Get your head out of there you...
EB DAWSON
You see, what I do is, I give myself a shampoo and then I rush my head into the refrigerator and I'm well groomed all day!
OLIVER WENDELL DOUGLAS
Yes, well don't...
EB DAWSON
Unless the sun comes out.