1
LISA DOUGLAS
Could you keep it a secret from my husband? You see, I want to surprise him.
RALPH MONROE
My lips are sealed.
HANK KIMBALL
Now if we could only keep them that way.
RALPH MONROE
If you weren't so sexy, I'd beat your brains out!
1
LISA DOUGLAS
When you married me you knew that I couldn't cook, I couldn't sew, and I couldn't keep house. All I could do was talk Hungarian and do imitations of Zsa Zsa Gabor.
OLIVER DOUGLAS
Who?
0
LISA DOUGLAS
Why do you want to irritate your corn?
OLIVER DOUGLAS
Irrigate. It means put water on it.
LISA DOUGLAS
Won't that irritate it?
0
EB DAWSON
Morning! Breakfast ready?
LISA DOUGLAS
Yes.
EB DAWSON
Well, let's have the hotcakes and get it over with.
LISA DOUGLAS
We're not having any hotscakes this morning.
OLIVER DOUGLAS
No hotcakes?
LISA DOUGLAS
I've made something different.
OLIVER DOUGLAS
Hey, wonderful!
EB DAWSON
Let's not go off half-cocked till we get a look at it.
OLIVER DOUGLAS
Knock it off, anything's better than the hotcakes.
LISA DOUGLAS
Here we are. [Holds up what looks like a long, lumpy pastry on a baking sheet]
OLIVER DOUGLAS
It looks like a boa constrictor with lumps.
LISA DOUGLAS
That's the last time I cook you a Spanish omelette.
0
OLIVER DOUGLAS
Why don't we give away this one?
LISA DOUGLAS
No that's the dress I graduated from high school in.
OLIVER DOUGLAS
How about this one?
LISA DOUGLAS
That's the dress I wore the first day of college.
OLIVER DOUGLAS
[holding a black, low-cut dress] What about this one?
LISA DOUGLAS
That's the one I got expelled in.
0
LISA DOUGLAS
Are you happy with the corns I strung for you?
OLIVER DOUGLAS
Lisa, you're supposed to take the kernels off the cob and string them.
LISA DOUGLAS
Well, don't blame me, I never did it before. In the old country, we used to string caviar.
OLIVER DOUGLAS
Caviar?
LISA DOUGLAS
We'd have caviar on one string and crackers on the other...
OLIVER DOUGLAS
Oh, for...
LISA DOUGLAS
And then we'd play the Hungarian Christmas game called 'Smear the crackers with caviar.'
0
OLIVER WENDELL DOUGLASS
[after watching a "conversation" between Lisa and an oinking Arnold] How can you carry on a conversation with him? I can't understand a thing he's saying!
LISA DOUGLAS
That's because you don't LISTEN!
0
LISA DOUGLAS
[Lisa is pushing a vacuum cleaner around the front room of the house] Would you put your foot up... your foots up? Put your feets up.
OLIVER DOUGLAS
What's the matter with the vacuum?
LISA DOUGLAS
Nothing.
OLIVER DOUGLAS
It's not making any noise.
LISA DOUGLAS
Well it only makes a noise when it's plugged in.
OLIVER DOUGLAS
Well if it's not plugged in, it's not going to pick up the dirt.
LISA DOUGLAS
There isn't any dirt.
OLIVER DOUGLAS
Well then why are you vacuuming?
LISA DOUGLAS
I am not! It's not plugged in!
0
LISA DOUGLAS
In the old country, they don't look for water with a stick. They do it scientifically.
OLIVER DOUGLAS
Oh?
LISA DOUGLAS
They put a goldfish in a shoe, and then they throw the shoe out the window.
OLIVER DOUGLAS
That's scientific?
LISA DOUGLAS
Of course! And then the goldfish swims upstream until it finds the water.
OLIVER DOUGLAS
Mm hmm. Now... uh... how does he swim upstream if there's no water?
LISA DOUGLAS
His friends help him.
0
LISA DOUGLAS
I always used to say to my father the king, "My father the king," I used to say to him...
OLIVER DOUGLAS
Your father was never a king.
LISA DOUGLAS
Then why did we live in a castle?
OLIVER DOUGLAS
You never lived in a castle.
LISA DOUGLAS
Then why did the knights come over for dinner?
OLIVER DOUGLAS
What knights?
LISA DOUGLAS
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, but not Thursday because that was the maid's night out. Or was that when the knights made out?