3
FESTUS HAGGEN
[Talking about a mean, smelly mountain man] Matthew, that Pack Landers is the sort of feller you've got to walk upwind of even if there ain't no breeze a blowin'.
3
DR. GALEN 'DOC' ADAMS
[Festus offers to buy Doc a beer with a silver dollar that he earned from shoeing horses in episode "Whelan's Men".] Why don't you take that money and invest it in something? Why don't you do that?
FESTUS HAGGEN
Invest it in what?
DR. GALEN 'DOC' ADAMS
There's wonderful land values outside of Dodge. Now why don't you go out there someplace, look around, and buy yourself a lot?
FESTUS HAGGEN
A lot of what?
DR. GALEN 'DOC' ADAMS
A lot! A lot of land!
FESTUS HAGGEN
Well fiddle, I can't afford to buy a lot of land. You probably could the way you've been a bilking and gouging...
DR. GALEN 'DOC' ADAMS
Oh, hush up! I'm trying to help you, for heaven sakes. It don't cost a whole lot to buy a little lot.
FESTUS HAGGEN
What do you mean it don't cost a whole lot to buy a little, or a whole lot to buy a lot, what do you mean?
DR. GALEN 'DOC' ADAMS
Well, I mean,... a little lot of land!
FESTUS HAGGEN
But there ain't no such a thing. A little's a little, and a lot's a lot, there ain't no little lot, or lot of little, don't you see? Now you want that beer or don't you?
DR. GALEN 'DOC' ADAMS
No I'm... I'm all worn out.
FESTUS HAGGEN
[and as Doc walks away Festus Hollers] If you change your mind me and Newly will be over at the Longbranch having a whole lot of little beers. [Chuckles and flips his silver dollar] Now I'm buying.
2
DR. GALEN 'DOC' ADAMS
I'll tell you why the Hagens live so long.
FESTUS HAGGEN
Why?
DR. GALEN 'DOC' ADAMS
'Cause they're too dumb to know they're dead!
1
DR. GALEN 'DOC' ADAMS
How much is it going to cost me to have 'em fixed?
FESTUS HAGGEN
Shouldn't 'mount t'much; fifty cents'll do... Soakin' in the crik a few hours'll swell them spokes back tight as pin feathers on a prairie chicken's rump.
DR. GALEN 'DOC' ADAMS
Soakin' in the crik?
FESTUS HAGGEN
Sure.
DR. GALEN 'DOC' ADAMS
And while you're sitting there, letting the wheels soak, I suppose you'll do a little fishing?
FESTUS HAGGEN
Now that you mention it...
DR. GALEN 'DOC' ADAMS
So I end up paying you fifty cents to fish.
FESTUS HAGGEN
Well, Doc, I'm gonna have t'dig me some worms, catch me some grasshoppers. That's tirin'. If it wasn't for them wheels needin' soakin', I wouldn't have to....
1
FESTUS HAGGEN
Don't you think somebody oughta reckon with him, Matthew?
U.S. MARSHAL MATT DILLON
What did you say his name was again, Festus?
FESTUS HAGGEN
I think its Sinclair... Jack Sinclair.
U.S. MARSHAL MATT DILLON
He's got no left hand?
FESTUS HAGGEN
That's right. Anyways, don't you think somebody ought to go reckon with him?
U.S. MARSHAL MATT DILLON
No!
FESTUS HAGGEN
Why not, Matthew?
U.S. MARSHAL MATT DILLON
Because it was my bullet that took his hand!
0
FESTUS HAGGEN
That's just proof right there that us Haggens knows a heap more about some things than folks gives us credit for.
FESTUS HAGGEN
Well, I could cure him, if he'd listen to me.
0
FESTUS HAGGEN
I just thought...
DR. GALEN 'DOC' ADAMS
Don't think! That's when you get dangerous.
-1
FESTUS HAGGEN
Mr. Cumberledge, you don't know us Haggens, or ya wouldn't say such a thing. Like Great-Unke Herkle said, "Catch a Haggen in a lie, 'n' a thunderbolt'll hit him from th' clear, blue sky.
LUKE CUMBERLEDGE
What happened to Great-Uncle Herkle?
FESTUS HAGGEN
Well, they's some say that this thunderbolt came up real suddenlike one time....
-2
FESTUS HAGGEN
[gets his hands free from the ropes the mob tied them with] I've got my hands loose.
BUCKO
Good you can wave good-bye to them.
-2
FESTUS HAGGEN
Shore would save a lotta fuss 'n bother if we shoot 'im now, Matthew.