1
LILY ALDRIN
Okay, now you're being ridiculous. An hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem.
MARSHALL ERIKSEN
I was just putting on a brave face. Think about it - we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months. [high-fives Lily] Obviously, I'm the problem.
BARNEY STINSON
Problem? You can't get a girl pregnant — that's the dream! I'd give my first-born to not be able to have children.
1
LILY ALDRIN
So, what did you guys do last last night?
ROBIN SCHERBATSKY
Well, I wanted to go a party and he wanted to go dancing, but we couldn't both do something only one of us wanted to do, so we just stayed home and fell asleep watching a movie.
BARNEY STINSON
It was legen—wait for it—ds of the Fall! Legends of the Fall! [shrugs] It was OK.
1
TED MOSBY
This is a map of Stella-free areas. The white areas are safe, the red ones are not, the blue ones are water.
LILY ALDRIN
Ted, that's ridiculous.
ROBIN SCHERBATSKY
Well, water is blue.
1
BARNEY STINSON
Booger.
TED MOSBY
Yes, hello Barney.
ROBIN SCHERBATSKY
Barney's offering me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.
BARNEY STINSON
Not some stupid word. Booger.
ROBIN SCHERBATSKY
But I am not doing it. I am a journalist.
BARNEY STINSON
What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys. That's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper.
ROBIN SCHERBATSKY
For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to... the City Hall beat.
LILY ALDRIN
City Hall! Miss Thang!
ROBIN SCHERBATSKY
So, I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.
BARNEY STINSON
Of course not. Because now you're saying "nipple", and it's a hundred. [motions with finger] Step into my web.
1
MARSHALL ERIKSEN
You're gonna return that ashtray and you gonna pray he doesn't press charges because I can't be in a marriage while one of us is in prison! I know that we roleplay conjugal visits a lot, but I can't do that for realsies.
LILY ALDRIN
I'm sorry, all rulings are final. I am not taking it back.
MARSHALL ERIKSEN
Oh my God. Lily, what is the big deal? Yeah so what, someone said you're just a kindergarten teacher. Why do you let that bother you?
LILY ALDRIN
[tears] Because he was right, I am just a kindergarten teacher and yes, I have a degree in art history and I was meant to do something with it, but I didn't. Somewhere along the line, I forgot to pursue my dream and now I'm old and I'm a mom and it's just too late for me.
MARSHALL ERIKSEN
Lily, it's okay.
LILY ALDRIN
It's just too late...
MARSHALL ERIKSEN
[calms her down] Nonono, it's not too late. It's not too late. You're gonna quit your job tomorrow, and you're gonna, you're gonna go back and pick up right where you left off with that art stuff. And then you know what? I'm gonna find Shelly, and I'mma punch her in the face. Yeah, I'mma punch a girl. Run away. I promise you. Your best and your most exciting days are all ahead of you.
LILY ALDRIN
I love you so much for saying that, but there get's to be a point in life where that it just stops being true. I'm sorry I stole this. [sees ashtray] I'll return it first thing in the morning.
1
MARSHALL ERIKSEN
I want to give you the package.
LILY ALDRIN
The package? You’ve already given me the package. You’ve got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.
MARSHALL ERIKSEN
Lily, you are the most incredible woman I know. You deserve a big package.
LILY ALDRIN
Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but you’ve got a huge package!
1
LILY ALDRIN
No "Don't get married, Ted"? No "worst mistake you'll ever make"? Barney Stinson, have you given up on the war against marriage?
BARNEY STINSON
No, I just know a lost cause when I see it. That's the reason I don't recycle.
0
LILY ALDRIN
Hey, nice shirt, Ted. Is it yesterday already?
0
TED MOSBY
Lily, this is Mr. Druthers, the head architect on the project. Lily's going to be our new office assistant.
HAMMOND DRUTHERS
Ah.
LILY ALDRIN
Nice to meet you.
HAMMOND DRUTHERS
Isn't it?
0
MARSHALL ERIKSEN
[after having sex on the kitchen] That was a creative use of pancake syrup.
LILY ALDRIN
I can't even look Mrs. Butterworth in the eye.