17
BARNEY STINSON
[girls talking about penis size] How can you speak of such things?
LILY ALDRIN
You kidding? Barney every time I mentionned a woman you don t know, the first thing you say is : "boobs?". Not the complete sentence like : "Does she have big boobs?" which also will not be great but just "boobs?"
BARNEY STINSON
I do not do that!
LILY ALDRIN
my friend Lori from work...
BARNEY STINSON
Boobs?... Damn it
9
LILY ALDRIN
But designing a building in New York City is your lifelong dream.
TED MOSBY
I do not want to work for GNB again. Those guys are evil. No offense, Marshall.
MARSHALL ERIKSEN
None taken. Dude, yes, GNB is the Empire from Star Wars, but the Death Star is gonna get built either way, and don't you think the [http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Bevel_Lemelisk architect of the Death Star] is pretty psyched to have that thing on his space resume. I mean, yes, his design was flawed, he let fire a single bullet through his particular vent porthole thing.
TED MOSBY
For all we know, that was the contractor's fault.
MARSHALL ERIKSEN
But that won't happen on your watch, 'cause you're Ted Mosby, and you're gonna design the most beautiful, ventless, Rebel-proof building in Manhattan...with clearly-marked emergency stops for every trash compactor on the detention level.
ROBIN SCHERBATSKY
Hey Don, it's Robin again. Look, I am sorry for all the calls. I saw you on the news, it made me crazy for a minute, I guess I wasn't as over our breakup as I thought. But I wanna say from the bottom of my heart, I am gonna kill you. [surprise] No, I'm not. I mean, I'm happy for you...and that Asian slut on your Facebook page, she's dead too.
7
BARNEY STINSON
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
LILY ALDRIN
Oh, that's the pizza. Baby, do you have any cash?
MARSHALL ERIKSEN
Oh, you know I, uh, actually I don't, uh, think that I should...have to pay. 'Cause I'm...not a fan of pizza.
ROBIN SCHERBATSKY
What?!?
TED MOSBY
Marshall, we've driven halfway across the country for a piece of pizza literally hundreds of times.
LILY ALDRIN
I once caught you eating pizza in the shower!
ARTHUR THE PIZZA GUY
Marshall, there's a cartoon of you on our coupons.
BARNEY STINSON
I'm not saying Marshall's a guy who likes pizza, but last time he went in for a physical, doctor says 'Marshall you've gotta stop eating pizza.' Marshall says 'Why?' Doc says 'So I can examine you!' But seriously, we kid because we love.
MARSHALL ERIKSEN
All right, look, the reason that I don't have any money on me is because...I got mugged. [long pause] Can somebody please pay Arthur, all right? I'm starving!! [to Arthur, kindly] How's your dad by the way?
ARTHUR HOBBS
Better.
MARSHALL ERIKSEN
Good!
5
ROBIN SCHERBATSKY
[She and Lily come out in fancy dresses] All right, what do you think?
BARNEY STINSON
[Looks up] Horrible.
LILY ALDRIN
You're gonna make such a great dad.
BARNEY STINSON
You look so classy and nice, you're gonna stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. It's, "Go ho or go home."
3
TED MOSBY
Lily, do you have any idea how many people I blindly hated for you?! I hated Renée Zellweger with a burning passion for eight years only to discover you meant Reese Witherspoon!
LILY ALDRIN
Hey! I will hate her until I will get my money back for You, Me and Dupree!
TED MOSBY
THAT'S KATE HUDSON!
LILY ALDRIN
Oh yeah...That's who I hate. [to the others] Guys, we hate Kate Hudson.
2
LILY ALDRIN
Okay, now you're being ridiculous. An hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem.
MARSHALL ERIKSEN
I was just putting on a brave face. Think about it - we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months. [high-fives Lily] Obviously, I'm the problem.
BARNEY STINSON
Problem? You can't get a girl pregnant — that's the dream! I'd give my first-born to not be able to have children.
2
LILY ALDRIN
So tell me, what's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
NARRATOR
And then Barney told the punchline. To this day, it's the dirtiest joke I've ever heard. And no, I'm not going to say it.
LILY ALDRIN
I can't be around you anymore. [Leaves]
BARNEY STINSON
Aw, come on!
TED MOSBY
Told ya.
BARNEY STINSON
She'll be back.
NARRATOR
And we didn't see Lily again for four weeks.
2
WWN EMPLOYEE
Robin, this is -
SANDY RIVERS
Robin!
WWN EMPLOYEE
You two know each other?
RIVERS
Know each other? We've had sex! [employees are aghast]
LILY ALDRIN
Okay, now you're being ridiculous. An hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem.
MARSHALL ERIKSEN
I was just putting on a brave face. Think about it - we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months. [high-fives Lily] Obviously, I'm the problem.
BARNEY STINSON
Problem? You can't get a girl pregnant — that's the dream! I'd give my first-born to not be able to have children.
2
LILY ALDRIN
You're playing hockey. With a basketball... and tennis rackets?
MARSHALL ERIKSEN
It's BaskIceball, the greatest game ever. We invented it. it's Awesome!
LILY ALDRIN
Wait, BaskIceball? shouldn't it be Iceketball?
MARVIN ERIKSEN SR.
Ice... Ket... ball? that just sounds weird.
MARCUS ERIKSEN
The game is BaskIceball. And I'm the best.
LILY ALDRIN
Well, maybe that's just cause you haven't seen *me* play.
MARSHALL ERIKSEN
Well, it's not exactly a sport for girls.
LILY ALDRIN
Well, that's funny cause your brother throws like a girl! [Lily throws the ball back to Marcus] [Marcus throws the ball hard and hits Lily in the face]
1
LILY ALDRIN
You may come from Ohio, but you're in New York now, and here we don't keep our feelings bottled up. We shove them in someone else's face.