5
ROSE
What I really need is transport. If I had transport, a driver to run me round, I could dramatically increase the range of my earning power.
ONSLOW
What about one of your boyfriends?
ROSE
Ooh, all they want to do is mess about. I'm a working girl; I haven't time for messing about!
DAISY
[Daisy looks romantically at Onslow] I remember when we used to mess about.
ONSLOW
I'll get the car!
3
DAISY
You never noticed when I got that new nightie.
ONSLOW
Let me give you a tiny word of advice, Daise. Now, you'll not find this in your romantic novels, but if you're going to wear a see-through nightie, don't wear a vest!
1
DAISY
Onslow, where did we first make love?
ONSLOW
[Briefly becomes wide-eyed] Would you repeat the question?
DAISY
Where did we first make love?
ONSLOW
It made such an impression on you you can't even remember it?
DAISY
I can remember when we last made love. Just.
1
DAISY
I don't know how you keep the pace, our Rose.
ROSE
It's not easy. If you relax for a minute they're going back to their wives. I envy you, our Daisy.
DAISY
Me?
ROSE
It must be wonderful being married to a bum like your Onslow. So you can let yourself go completely.
DAISY
I wouldn't say completely.
ONSLOW
Near enough, completely.
1
ONSLOW
[from an upstairs window] You've woken the dog!
RICHARD BUCKET
Morning, Onslow.
HYACINTH
Don't say good morning to him when I've just been savaged by his dog.
ONSLOW
Less noise, you daft bitch. And that goes for you as well, dog.
1
HYACINTH
What a disaster to my tea and light refreshments.
ONSLOW
I could murder some light refreshments.
HYACINTH
If it wasn't for Sheridan's good news, I don't know what this day would have been.
RICHARD BUCKET
Good news from Sheridan?
HYACINTH
He's moved in with a very suitable friend. They're making their own curtains. Apparently his friend's very good with a needle. He has prizes for embroidery. Well, you'd better come in and have some tea and light refreshments. [starts off then turns back] Onslow, before you come in, just shift this wreck next door, will you, dear?
ONSLOW
[to Richard] Prizes for embroidery?
RICHARD BUCKET
Let's move the car, shall we, Onslow?
0
DAISY
She's a real organizer, our Hyacinth.
ONSLOW
She's a real...
DAISY
Onslow!
0
ONSLOW
[Onslow's car backfires as he pulls up] Made it, Vicar.
THE VICAR
Hello, Onslow, Daisy. You've still got the old bone-shaker, I see.
ONSLOW
Aye. And the car's as bad as ever. [laughs]
0
ONSLOW
Is there any beer?
DAISY
You're not having any beer till after the christening.
ONSLOW
It's supposed to be a celebration, not a famine. Daisy, I really need a beer. On account of your Hyacinth will be here any minute.
DAISY
You're right. We'll both have a beer.
0
DAISY
[referring to a knock at the door in the middle of the night] Suppose it's a mad strangler!
ONSLOW
They don't usually knock on the door.