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SERGEANT MAXWELL Q. KLINGER
[as Hawkeye, dressed as Santa Claus, is lowered by helicopter to treat a wounded soldier] And you said there was no Santa!
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FROM ARMED FORCES RADIO
In human terms, the cost was much greater. The U.N. forces have suffered the following casualties - Killed in combat - 71,500. Missing and captured - 83,263. Wounded - 250,000.
HAWKEYE
[operating on a/another wounded soldier] Make that two hundred fifty thousand and one.
B.J.
And two.
COL. POTTER
Three.
MAJ. WINCHESTER
Four.
SERGEANT MAXWELL Q. KLINGER
And there's twelve more out in the hall.
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SERGEANT MAXWELL Q. KLINGER
Colonel - look at that sunset. What a beautiful ending for a beautiful day.
COL. POTTER
Yeah, it'd be a nice sunset if it was setting over there.
SERGEANT MAXWELL Q. KLINGER
What do you mean?
COL. POTTER
Ever since I've been around, the sun's always set in the west.
SERGEANT MAXWELL Q. KLINGER
Then, what's that?
COL. POTTER
I once saw that same kind of glow in the Ardenne forest. The next day, there wasn't any forest left. You'd better get on the phone to ICORPS. If that fire's headed this way, we're headed out.
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SERGEANT MAXWELL Q. KLINGER
I thought when the war was over it'd be the happiest day of my life. But everything's all messed up. Now I'm in love, and I got nothing but trouble.
COL. POTTER
Listen, when you're in love, you're always in trouble. There's only two things you can do about it - either stop loving them, or love them a whole lot more.
SERGEANT MAXWELL Q. KLINGER
But if you love them a whole lot more, won't that just get you a lot more trouble?
COL. POTTER
Yep - then you love them even more.
SERGEANT MAXWELL Q. KLINGER
Boy, that sounds tough.
COL. POTTER
It's murder.
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SERGEANT MAXWELL Q. KLINGER
Well, I planned something, but it kind of fell through. I guess you noticed Soon-Lee isn't here tonight. It's because she had a lot of things to take care of. 'Cause we've decided to get married.
HAWKEYE
Yay!
B.J.
Congratulations!
SERGEANT MAXWELL Q. KLINGER
I had to cut through a lot of red tape, but I got permission. The only problem is, she won't leave Korea until she finds her family. So, boy, I don't believe I'm saying this, I'm staying in Korea.
HAWKEYE
You don't have to act crazy now, we're all getting out.
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FATHER MULCAHY
Do you, Soon-Lee, take Maxwell, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, honor, and cherish, to have and to hold, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
SOON-LEE KLINGER
I do.
FATHER MULCAHY
Do you, Maxwell, take Soon-Lee, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love, honor, and cherish, to have and to hold, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
SERGEANT MAXWELL Q. KLINGER
You bet I do.
FATHER MULCAHY
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
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SERGEANT MAXWELL Q. KLINGER
Thanks for your help, Father.
FATHER MULCAHY
Francis John Patrick Mulcahy - remember that if you name any children after me.
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HAWKEYE
So long, kiddo, I'm gonna miss you.
SERGEANT MAXWELL Q. KLINGER
Me too, captain - I'm sure glad you're feeling okay now.
HAWKEYE
Couldn't be better. [He "honks" Klinger's nose] Honk-honk. You have to have that tuned.
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SERGEANT MAXWELL Q. KLINGER
[on the phone] What do you say, Captain?
HAWKEYE
[in the psychiatric ward] Hello, Klinger.
SERGEANT MAXWELL Q. KLINGER
Hey, you sound perfectly normal to me. How is it there? You crazy about the place? Ha ha ha.
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COL. POTTER
[after a phone call with ICORPS] ICORPS. I am specifically ordered not to touch that tank, and it may be days before the owner comes and gets it.
SERGEANT MAXWELL Q. KLINGER
What don't you just tell them this is a hospital? As long as that tank is here, we're a target.
COL. POTTER
Boy, you must think I am the biggest dunce since the monkey wrapped his tail around the flagpole. Don't you think that's what I told him? I can take care of my job. You go act like a sergeant, unless you want to try something lower.