9
DOREEN LARKIN
What does mama say about little boys who aren't polite?
STUART LARKIN
Little boys who aren't polite give the pro-choice a better reason to exist.
8
DOREEN LARKIN
Stuart, what does mama say about little boys who eavesdrop?
STUART LARKIN
Little boys who eavesdrop deserve to know the truth, and the truth is usually devastating.
4
DOREEN LARKIN
Stuart, I have never said anything racist in front of you.
STUART LARKIN
Mmmhmmm, you said that Canadians are wusses and that black people aren't scary as long as they keep their hair neat. French are smelly and can't fight... oh, and you said that the Chinese were ugly.
3
DOREEN LARKIN
What does mama say about sliding down the banister?
STUART LARKIN
Don't slide down the banister because you'll injure your googoo and that's all some men have going for them.
2
DOREEN LARKIN
What does mama say about swearing?
STUART LARKIN
Mama says, little boys who swear grow up to Democrats.
1
MAN
[a t-ball coach teaching Stuart to swing] Now, Stuart, you have to get angry and swing at the ball. What makes you angry , Stuart?
STUART LARKIN
[eyes narrow, voice becomes a growling whisper] The *world*.
1
AUNT NOREEN
Happy Birthday, Stuart! Do you remember which aunt I am?
STUART LARKIN
The alcoholic?
AUNT NOREEN
No...
STUART LARKIN
The one who lives with her "FRIEND", Linda?
AUNT NOREEN
No...
STUART LARKIN
Then you must be the ugly one.
DOREEN LARKIN
Stuart, apologize to your Aunt Noreen!
STUART LARKIN
I'm sorry you're ugly.
1
DOREEN LARKIN
[in a Chinese restaurant] Well, do you know what you want to eat?
STUART LARKIN
A happy meal.
DOREEN LARKIN
Stuart, it's a Chinese restaurant, they don't make the happy meal.
STUART LARKIN
[growling] Then I hate the Chinese.
1
DOREEN LARKIN
What does mama say about lying?
STUART LARKIN
Little boys who lie should expect tragedy to visit them on a regular basis.
1
STUART LARKIN
Where's Mr. Pip's goo-goo?
VARIOUS
His what?
STUART LARKIN
His goo-goo. His goo-goo's not there.
VARIOUS
I'm sorry, I don't understand...
DOREEN LARKIN
Well, he's talking about his goo-goo, his ding-a-ling, duh!