4
LORKEY THE SAILOR
'Tain't no difference, if ye ask me.
TOKI WARTOOTH
But that just doesn't seem to make any sense at all...
LORKEY THE SAILOR
Comedy is about expressing your hate! The more hate you have, the funnier those rusty dildoes sittin' at them tables'll think you are!
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF
But I bomb, and I hates everyt'ing.
LORKEY THE SAILOR
Aye! But do ye hate yourself?
TOKI WARTOOTH
Hate... myself?
LORKEY THE SAILOR
Ah, yes, 'specially now, eh? Bombing onstage, and Mr. Tangerine Pigtails went running away! 'Twill take some time for him to recover from that horror he went through.
TOKI WARTOOTH
[suddenly realizing Lorkey's point] I hate myself!
LORKEY THE SAILOR
Yeah, now yer gettin' it! And once you can get in touch with your inner hatred, you can unleash it into the world! And once you embrace your hate, you will murder them! And you will kill. YOU WILL KILL!
2
TOKI WARTOOTH
What's this place called?
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF
This place, I believe, is called 'food libraries.'
TOKI WARTOOTH
Fooood... libraries...
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF
Fooood... libraries...
PICKLES THE DRUMMER
It's called a grocery store you douchebags! I'm sorry about douchebags, I got... I got low blood sugar.
1
TOKI WARTOOTH
Okay, my face is stuck to the wall...
1
CHARLES FOSTER OFDENSEN
There you are. I've been trying to get in touch with you all day.
PICKLES THE DRUMMER
Cinnamon buns!
CHARLES FOSTER OFDENSEN
You know today's our big Employee Evaluation Conference Conference and Raffle.
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF
Ha! Thats a funny one. Who cares about that?
CHARLES FOSTER OFDENSEN
Well, perhaps you should care because it has come to our attention that one of our employees is a major embezzler.
NATHAN EXPLOSION
Awesome! Right?
TOKI WARTOOTH
"Ambuzzle?" What means that?
PICKLES THE DRUMMER
Ah, well, it's a super-awesome way of saying, "Take havin' somethin'."
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF
Hey guys, I haves a good use of the words "unsbuzzle." "My lungs unsbuzzle the air from the earth, as I can breathe... it. Period."
CHARLES FOSTER OFDENSEN
Well, I don't see the humor in any of it.
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF
Oh, lighten up, Mr. Dooms-and-Gloom, "embezzle" is metal.
PICKLES THE DRUMMER
Well, who's the guy embezzling from, you know, anyway?
CHARLES FOSTER OFDENSEN
Well, he's embezzling from you.
NATHAN EXPLOSION
NOOOOO!
1
NATHAN EXPLOSION
Most brutal album, huh? Ugh, I hate to say it. They're right. It's an amazing album. Congratulations, Pickles. This is so chilling.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE
What a great way to go out, too. I only hope we end up that way: clawin' our eyes out and throwin' up acid blood.
TOKI WARTOOTH
I officially take backs whatever I say about Snakes'n'Barrels. You are amazing.
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF
This music is likes potato chips. I can't stop listening to it. Plays it again.
1
NATHAN EXPLOSION
[the band is reviewing the mix for its new album. Nathan stops the music to think] Huh. [he cracks his knuckles]
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF
[resignedly] Here we go again.
PICKLES THE DRUMMER
[Nathan's finger hovers over the "delete" button] Okay, wait. Before we do anything drastic, let's put this all in perspective, Nathan, okay? Look. [he stomps on a pedal, bringing down a video screen]
REPORTER #1
Dethklok has spent a reported 500 million in the recording studio so far ...
REPORTER #2
[Pickles stomps on another pedal] - fan suicide rate is up, due to the album's late release - [a fan shoots himself in front of the camera]
REPORTER #3
[Pickles stomps on another pedal] - sources have corroborated that the band has recorded SIXTEEN individual albums, all deleted ...
REPORTER #4
[Pickles stomps on the last pedal] - sources say the Dow Jones decline is directly related to Dethklok frontman Nathan Explosion's constantly deleting a potential new album ...
PICKLES THE DRUMMER
[Nathan moves his finger back to the "delete" button as his bandmates urge him not to push it] No, no, no, no, no, don't, no - [Nathan pushes the button and deletes the album] No! [everyone groans] Mmmm! Mother-douchebags! Did it again.
TOKI WARTOOTH
Aw, dudes, what's wrong with that one?
PICKLES THE DRUMMER
Let me guess: not "heavy" enough? Not "tuned low" enough? Not "BRUTAL" enough?
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF
Dudes, we can'ts not tone it down any lower.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE
Well, maybe it'd be better if I just killed myself, huh? Why don't you record that, huh? Would that be BRUTAL enough for ya, me being dead?
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF
Somebody should tells Murderface that it's not always - always about him.
PICKLES THE DRUMMER
So what? Now we're all the way back to square effin' one?
NATHAN EXPLOSION
Yeah, that's right. But here's what we're gonna do: we're gonna re-re-re-record it... right there. [he points to a spot on the globe in the middle of the ocean] Right there!
1
TOKI WARTOOTH
[gasps] What's this place called?
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF
This is, I believes called, Food Libraries. Food Libraries.
TOKI WARTOOTH
Food Library.
PICKLES THE DRUMMER
[yells] It's called a Grocery Store, you douchebags! [regular volume] I'm sorry about 'douchebags'. I got low blood sugar.
NATHAN EXPLOSION
Alright, here's the deal. We have to do our own shopping so we can make our own dinner like all the regular jack-offs do. Now you're all in charge of putting together one dish. [yells] And don't just buy booze! That ain't food.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE
What do you mean, 'booze ain't food'? I'd rather chop off my ding-dong than admit that!
TOKI WARTOOTH
You'd rather chop off your ding-dong than not drink?
WILLIAM MURDERFACE
[yells] Yeah!
TOKI WARTOOTH
Wowee!
1
NATHAN EXPLOSION
My god these things are amazing, check it out. I'm an eye docter. [Points laser at Murderface]
ADVISOR
Can you please give me the laser pointer? It does not belong to you.
NATHAN EXPLOSION
Hey wait your turn.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE
Hey point that into my eyes again. [gets lasered] Ahh yes, awesome!
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF
Point the laser beams at my too eye. [gets lasered] Uhhhh. Cool!
PICKLES THE DRUMMER
Dude check it out if you press really hard on your eyes it's also awesome dude!
WILLIAM MURDERFACE
[Rubs eyes] Aww, awesome!
TOKI WARTOOTH
Yes but checks this out. I can force all the bloods to my face and gives myself a real cool blowjob! [strains, nose bleeds] Dat's what I'm talking about!
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF
He means nosebleed, not blowjob. Idiot.
0
NATHAN EXPLOSION
[hungover] Why do I drink so much before stupid Fan Day?
WILLIAM MURDERFACE
[also hungover] I believe you drink *because* it's Fan Day.
NATHAN EXPLOSION
Oh, I don't w - don't talk to me about that. Wait, where's Skwisgaar?
TOKI WARTOOTH
Oh, I don't think he's gonna be here for awhile. [he chuckles] He had a... very big night with a... very *huge* fan.
NATHAN EXPLOSION
Yeah, we were all up late.
TOKI WARTOOTH
Not me. I actually gots good rest.
PICKLES THE DRUMMER
[also hungover] Can you please... just be quiet for a second?
TOKI WARTOOTH
Oh, what's wrong, Pickle? You just need to eat something. Your name is Pickle... maybe you should try pickle-herring sandwich, famous from Oslo! [he puts the sandwich on Pickles' plate]
FAN
[Pickles gags, runs for the door, and throws it open, only to be confronted by a mob of fans] OH YEAH, PICKLES!
PICKLES THE DRUMMER
[Pickles slams the door in their faces] God! Everywhere I go, there's fans everywhere! Can't I just throw up in my own house? [he grabs his stomach] Urgh!
WILLIAM MURDERFACE
Oh, God! So what are you, bulimia?
NATHAN EXPLOSION
Oh, great. Now you're gonna start a whole chain reaction puke... th... a-thon.
TOKI WARTOOTH
[Pickles gags and his cheeks bulge. Murderface, Toki, and Nathan follow suit. They all vomit their food back up, except Nathan, who glances around, then pukes blood everywhere] Oh, blood puke! Good song title! Someone write that - oh, wait, we already wrote that. Good song, though.
NATHAN EXPLOSION
Ohh... urgh... I think I need another liver transplant.
0
PRIEST
Pray now the prayer of revenge, from whom do you seek revenge?
TOKI WARTOOTH
I seek revenge on Rachael Ray and the Food Network. Can't you make her... eyes fall out or something?... tits fall off?
PRIEST
Satan, grant this man to get the revenge against his foes at the Food Network.
TOKI WARTOOTH
Seriously?
PRIEST
Yes.
TOKI WARTOOTH
S-Seriously?
TOKI WARTOOTH
Really?
TOKI WARTOOTH
That's cool.