1
APRIL LUDGATE
This is my boyfriend, Derek, and this is Derek's boyfriend, Ben.
BEN WYATT
Hey.
LESLIE KNOPE
Hey...oh...wait, sorry. What's the situation?
APRIL LUDGATE
What do you mean?
LESLIE KNOPE
How does this work?
APRIL LUDGATE
Derek is gay but he's straight for me, but he's gay for Ben, and Ben's really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben.
DEREK
It's not that complicated.
1
RON SWANSON
Are you high?
LESLIE KNOPE
I'm high on Kaboom. "Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness."
RON SWANSON
That's right, you never did ask me for permission, did you? Well, I'm sorry to burst your ka-bubble, but I just had my ass ka-handed to me by the city manager, and now this entire department is ka-screwed.
LESLIE KNOPE
Ron, I am so, so, so sorry.
RON SWANSON
What the ka-[bleep] were you thinking?
1
LESLIE KNOPE
[reciting every town slogan Pawnee has ever had] "Pawnee: The Paris of America." "Pawnee: The Akron of Southwest Indiana." "Pawnee: Welcome German soldiers." After the Nazis took France, our mayor kind of panicked. "Pawnee: The Factory Fire Capital of America." "Pawnee: Welcome Vietnamese Soldiers." "Pawnee: Engage with Zorp." For a brief time in the 70's, our town was taken over by a cult. "Pawnee: Zorp is Dead. Long Live Zorp." "Pawnee: It's Safe To Be Here Now." "Pawnee: Birthplace of Julia Roberts." That was a lie, she sued, and so we had to change it. "Pawnee: Home of the World Famous Julia Roberts Lawsuit." "Pawnee: Welcome Taliban Soldiers." And finally, our current slogan, "Pawnee: First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity."
1
LESLIE KNOPE
I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The whiz palace, as I like to call it.
1
APRIL LUDGATE
So, I was just at the grind and I thought you might want an iced mocha with extra, extra whipped cream.
LESLIE KNOPE
Oh, my. Thank you so much, April. Wow.
APRIL LUDGATE
You're welcome. Oh, by the way, completely unrelated, I just signed up for the Miss Pawnee Beauty Pageant.
LESLIE KNOPE
That's wonderful. You know, that is why I decided to become a judge. So that awesome girls like you who are not, you know, classically hot, can be rewarded for their intelligence and savvy.
APRIL LUDGATE
[to camera] Beauty pageants are idiotic, but I found out that the winner of the Miss Pawnee pageant gets 600 dollars. I can be idiotic for 600 dollars. [to Leslie] So are you gonna vote for me, sister?
LESLIE KNOPE
April, it's unethical for me to show you favoritism. You and I are like family.
APRIL LUDGATE
The coffee's seven dollars.
LESLIE KNOPE
Yes, right. Of course.
1
TOM HAVERFORD
I think I should drive you to the hospital.
LESLIE KNOPE
Was I wearing a tiara when I came in here? Because if you happen upon it, will you have Lady Pennyface retrieve it and send it post-hence?
1
TOM HAVERFORD
Maybe Ron shot himself.
LESLIE KNOPE
Hmm. He has seemed really depressed lately.
MARK
He was shot in the back of the head!
LESLIE KNOPE
You're right! He loves the back of his head, he would never shoot himself there.
1
RON SWANSON
If you're gonna stay here, there are three rules you need to follow: One, no talk about Tammy One. Two, no talk about Ben. Three, no talk.
LESLIE KNOPE
I didn't even ask you last night: What is going on with Tammy One?
RON SWANSON
You just violated rules number one and three. You lose your coffee privileges. [Throws Leslie's coffee out of its cup]
1
ANN PERKINS
I just wanna check one last time that you're okay about this date with Mark. [Pours coffee for Leslie, who is putting chocolate syrup in her cup at the same time]
LESLIE KNOPE
Oh my God, I am so fine with it, Ann, seriously. It's so fine! As long as you and I are cool. You know my code: hoes before bros. Uteruses before duderuses. [Leslie puts whipped cream atop her coffee]
ANN PERKINS
Got it.
LESLIE KNOPE
Ovaries before brovaries. [Eats whipped cream] You make such good coffee.
ANN PERKINS
Look, I know you're saying you're okay with it, but I've been in this position before, and I had a friend who dated an ex, and I said I was okay, but I wasn't actually. It was kind of weird.
LESLIE KNOPE
The thing is, Mark isn't my ex. You know, we slept together six years ago. Anyway, I 'm over it. Or am I? Just kidding.
1
LESLIE KNOPE
You're not from here, right?
TOM HAVERFORD
No, I'm from South Carolina.
LESLIE KNOPE
But you moved to South Carolina from where?
TOM HAVERFORD
My mother's uterus.
LESLIE KNOPE
But you were conceived in Libya, right?
TOM HAVERFORD
Wow. No. I was conceived in America. My parents are Indian.
LESLIE KNOPE
Where did the name Haverford come from?
TOM HAVERFORD
My birth name is Darwish Zubair Ismail Gani. Then I changed it to Tom Haverford, because you know, brown guys with funny-sounding Muslim names don't make it far into politics.
LESLIE KNOPE
What about Barack Obama?
TOM HAVERFORD
Okay, yeah, fine, Barack Obama. If I knew a guy named Barack Obama was gonna be elected president, yeah, maybe I wouldn't have changed it.