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LESLIE KNOPE
I can't kill the possum, 'cause it might be innocent. I can't let the possum go, because it might be guilty. Can't make a good soup, can't do a handstand in a pool. Can't spell the word lieutenant. There are a lot of cant's in my life right now.
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BEN WYATT
Come on, you don't really think the whole town believes in curses.
LESLIE KNOPE
No, we're all rational human beings who believe that we're in charge of our own destinies. Please, Ben.
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LESLIE KNOPE
Yes, we are a team, but I am the team leader. So I made a bold decision: we're playing it safe.
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LESLIE KNOPE
The only thing I'm guilty of is loving Pawnee. And punching Lindsay in the face and shoving a coffee filter down her pants.
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TOM HAVERFORD
[Tom is playing with a stethoscope, using it on Leslie] Oh my god. Your boobs are dead!
LESLIE KNOPE
Stop it! No they're not.
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LESLIE KNOPE
It's not just a job, gang. We're gonna learn a lot from these seniors. Some of them have been married for half a century. And, no offense, but everybody here is terrible at love. [points to Tom] Divorced, [points to April] dating a gay guy, [points to Ron] divorced twice, [points to Ann and Mark] jury's still out on you two, [points to Jerry] and Jerry, who knows.
JERRY GERGICH
I've been happily married for 28 years. You've met my wife Gayle many times.
LESLIE KNOPE
Whatever.
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LESLIE KNOPE
How did you find out?
RON SWANSON
We've worked together for a while now. I'd like to think I know you pretty well. Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night.
LESLIE KNOPE
[over phone] OK, OK, and this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss.
BEN WYATT
[over phone] Whoa, Eleanor likes the tongue. Show me Pelosi again.
LESLIE KNOPE
[over phone] OK, lay down...
LESLIE KNOPE
Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
RON SWANSON
Unfortunately not.
BEN WYATT
Ugh.
RON SWANSON
This is a scandal waiting to happen. If you get caught which you CLEARLY will, Chris will fire you and I won't be able to stop him.
LESLIE KNOPE
Ron, we're being very careful.
LESLIE KNOPE
[over phone] Oh President Reagan, my blazer popped open.
BEN WYATT
[over phone impersonating Ronald Reagan] Well, Maggie Thatcher, let me help you with that. Our countries have had a very special relationship.
LESLIE KNOPE
OK, yes...
LESLIE KNOPE
[over phone] Oh no!
LESLIE KNOPE
...You've proven your point.
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CHRIS
Hey gang!
LESLIE KNOPE
Hey, what did you bring?
CHRIS
I was in charge of the cake. To be fair, it's not a cake so much as it is a vegetable loaf. You got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, your spinach and I had it sweetened with fruit reduction.
RON SWANSON
But did they ask you to bring a vegtable loaf or a cake?
CHRIS
No, a cake, but this is so much healthier.
RON SWANSON
So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake!
LESLIE KNOPE
Take a walk, Ron.
RON SWANSON
Yup.
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LESLIE KNOPE
One time when I was in high school, a guy's mom called me and broke up with me for him. There was another time where I was on a date, and I tripped and broke my kneecap, and the guy said he wasn't "feeling it," so he left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for a while, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me never to call him again. One guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together. Skywriting isn't always positive. Another time a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine and flowers, and then when I tried to sit down, he said, "Don't eat anything. Rebecca's coming." And then he broke up with me.
LESLIE KNOPE
Exactly.
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LESLIE KNOPE
It took me four years to find the right hair dresser and we still fight.