ALAN DAVIES [about tortoises] My nephew's got one, and it attacks you. It actually runs and throws itself at your feet.

SEAN LOCK You sure that's not a rabbit in a helmet?

STEPHEN FRY [discussing rainbows] In Estonia they believe if you point at a rainbow your finger will fall off.

ALAN DAVIES Oh for God sake.

STEPHEN FRY I know.

ALAN DAVIES Estonians aren't stupid people are they?

SEAN LOCK [holding up his fists] They're very stumpy though.

SEAN LOCK [upon hearing that Stephen's prep school tailors were called Gerring] You had a tailor for a suit you wear when you're five!

SEAN LOCK This is like the Early Learning Centre.

RICH HALL [after being informed that Earth has a second moon called "Cruithne"] So why is there not one romantic song with the word Cruithne in it? "Blue Cruithne of Kentucky"? Or "Cruithne River"? Or...

ALAN DAVIES No-one can see it, it's miles away.

STEPHEN FRY Because it was discovered in

STEPHEN FRY nineteen-ninety-fucking-four!

SEAN LOCK No! That can't be right. Because the song is "Blue moon, I saw you standing alone." Not "with a small friend".

STEPHEN FRY [regarding a village in the mountains of Nuremberg, Germany] Now what did this village provide the whole world with for more than a hundred consecutive Christmases?

SEAN LOCK War criminals.

SEAN LOCK [Stephen has mentioned his prep school tailors] You had a tailor? For a suit you had made up when you were five?

STEPHEN FRY It was a particular outfitter. The school outfitter.

SEAN LOCK "Which side does young sir dress on?"

ALAN DAVIES That's written on the bathroom wall!

STEPHEN FRY Oh heavens, why did I bring it up?

SEAN LOCK Did you have to get measured up for shorts?

STEPHEN FRY Oh, Lord.

BILL BAILEY "Would sir like to wear a cravat on the cross-country run?"

STEPHEN FRY You are all such beasts.

SEAN LOCK "I suggest a cummerbund for geography."

SEAN LOCK Banana plants, whatever they're called, walk.

STEPHEN FRY [looking off-stage] Nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again.

SEAN LOCK The American cat's eyes break every time you go over them.

STEPHEN FRY Do you know why that is?

SEAN LOCK Because they're shit.