4
KING PTOLEMY XIII
[presenting the head of Pompey Magnus] We were going to make him a body, with moving arms and legs, and do a mime show with real animals and everything, and...
GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR
[furious] SILENCE!
GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR
Shame on the House of Ptolemy for such barbarity. Shame.
POTHINUS
But... you are enemies.
GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR
(shouts) He was a consul of Rome!
GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR
A consul of Rome, to die in this sordid way - quartered like some low thief? Shame!
GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR
Where is the rest of him?
GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR
These instruments tabulate the money that was borrowed by the previous king, Ptolemy XII, in the sum of seventeen thousand, thousand drachmae.
POTHINUS
Seventeen? Absurd! Four, maybe.
POSCA
That amount includes those sums that were borrowed from Pompey and those otherwise unable to collect.
POTHINUS
That is not just.
POSCA
Post mortem interests of this type are legally entailed to the presiding consul, i.e. Gaius Julius Caesar. It's... law.
POTHINUS
Roman law.
GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR
Is there some other form of law, you wretched woman?
CAESAR
I have conquered Gaul. I have defeated Pompey Magnus. I think I can handle a small boy and a eunuch.
MARK ANTONY
I'm glad you're so confident. Some would call it hubris.
CAESAR
It's only hubris if I fail.
VORENUS
Pullo, report to Princess Cleopatra and do whatever she tells you!
PULLO
[exhales] Gods, that was something, let me tell you...
VORENUS
I don't want to hear about it! If you're wise, you'll never speak of this again.
PULLO
Why? I was only obeying orders. Bloody good orders, too!
CICERO
You should have no ill conscience, we only did what we have to do.
BRUTUS
No doubt Saturn said something of the sort after eating his children.
MARK ANTONY
If I ever again hear your name connected with murmurs of treachery, I will cut off these soft, pink hands and nail them to the senate door.
3
LUCIUS VORENUS
He sits alone in Ravenna with one mutinous skeleton of a legion and he dares to dictate terms to me!?.
MARK ANTONY
Caesar has many more legions than the Thirteenth.
SCIPIO
Yes, on the far side of the Alps.
MARK ANTONY
Winter does not last forever. Spring comes. Snows melt.
SCIPIO
That is a threat!
MARK ANTONY
No, I assure you, that is no threat. Snows always melt.
1
GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR
They say slaves talk of bravery as fish talk of flying.
MARK ANTONY
They say that; do they? How very witty of them.
1
MARCUS JUNIUS BRUTUS
Heavens, I entirely forgot! Today's your birthday, isn't it?
CASSIUS
Is it? I believe you're right.
MARCUS JUNIUS BRUTUS
[shaking Cassius' hand] Happy Birthday. Sorry there's no cake.
CASSIUS
Next year, eh? You bake me an extra big one.
MARCUS JUNIUS BRUTUS
I shan't forget.
CASSIUS
No cinnamon. Makes me sneeze.
MARK ANTONY
If you need to urinate, now would be the time.
GAIUS OCTAVIAN
I'm fine, thank you.
MARK ANTONY
Sure? Let us begin then. Watch closely, boy. This is how history is made. [raising his hand] Now, let's have some fun!
ANTONY'S CENTURION
ADVANCE!
CASSIUS
[raises his hand, then hesitates] Sorry, rude of me. Would you like the honor?
MARCUS JUNIUS BRUTUS
No no, you do it by all means.
CASSIUS
Thank you. [gives the signal to advance]
CASSIUS'S CENTURION
ADVANCE!
1
GAIUS OCTAVIAN
Mother, I must stay in Rome.
ATIA OF THE JULII
Eh?
GAIUS OCTAVIAN
I must stay in Rome. I am Caesar's son. I must protect my legal rights.
MARK ANTONY
There's blood? Quite the little Spartan.
0
MARCUS JUNIUS BRUTUS
Antony?
MARK ANTONY
Hmm?
MARCUS JUNIUS BRUTUS
You said you had good news for us.
MARK ANTONY
Oh, of course! How silly of me. A courier came from Alexandria. Caesar has lifted the siege and massacred the armies of Ptolemy. He is safe and sound, and master of all of Egypt.
MARK ANTONY
The man is a damn prodigy, eh?
0
MARK ANTONY
And Cicero, if I ever hear your name in connection with whispers of treachery again, I will cut off these soft, pink hands, and nail them to the Senate door.
0
ATIA OF THE JULII
I've been thinking. We should get married.
MARK ANTONY
Married? Why should we want to do that of all things?
ATIA OF THE JULII
Perhaps I love you.
MARK ANTONY
Ah. You're joking. For a moment there, you had me worried.
0
ATIA OF THE JULII
Allied with my house you would have both coin and the nobility to make yourself king, if you wished it so.
MARK ANTONY
And you would be queen.
ATIA OF THE JULII
I would be your loving and obedient wife.
MARK ANTONY
Only if I were willing to desert a friend. A man of your own blood.
ATIA OF THE JULII
Too honorable for that, are you?
MARK ANTONY
I like to appear so.
ATIA OF THE JULII
But I don't think you'd die for the sake of appearences.
MARK ANTONY
Why not?
ATIA OF THE JULII
Well Caesar will die in any case, but you're far too clever to share his fate needlessly.
MARK ANTONY
I had not realised until now... what a wicked old harpy you really are.
0
MARK ANTONY
I don't think I ever fucked a woman in a funeral dress before.
ATIA OF THE JULII
Nor shall you now.
MARK ANTONY
Now that's a shame. It'll have to be Merula, then [referring to Atia's elderly servant, who looks up startled]. Come here, old girl. Jump on! [pats his crotch]
ATIA OF THE JULII
She'd eat you alive. Come on, this is no morning for foolery. Just get up.
MARK ANTONY
[Grabs her arm and pulls her towards him] Aw, come here!
ATIA OF THE JULII
[Struggles free] Stop fooling around and just get up!
MARK ANTONY
I am not rising from this bed until I've fucked someone!
ATIA OF THE JULII
Fine, fine. Merula, fetch that German slut from the kitchen.