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JERRY WALDMAN
[on TV] In the interest of living my life from here forward in an honest and truthful way, I would like to say, on the record, that I am gay. I am a gay American.
JEFF BINGHAM
Oh my god Audrey get in here! Baldman's gay!
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JEFF BINGHAM
She wanted to get a cat. I didn't want to get a cat. So we compromised and... got a cat.
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JEFF BINGHAM
Where's Adam?
AUDREY BINGHAM
Oh, we ran into one of his exes and they took off together.
JEFF BINGHAM
That kid is a special kind of stupid.
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JENNIFER
Hey.
JEFF BINGHAM
Pretty bold robbing us in broad daylight.
JENNIFER
It's for dinner at our place Saturday night.
JEFF BINGHAM
Oh, well, looking forward to it. It should be fun.
JEFF BINGHAM
God that's gonna suck. How did you let that happen?
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AUDREY BINGHAM
Apple pie for breakfast?
JEFF BINGHAM
Here's my thinking on that. You'd be fine if I ordered apple danish which is basically flat apple pie.
AUDREY BINGHAM
Good use of your brain.
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RUSSELL DUNBAR
Hey, I got the result of the DNA test.
JEFF BINGHAM
Russel, this is Brad, he's gay. Brad this is Russel, he almost slept with his own daughter.
BRAD
And I made you uncomfortable?
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JEFF BINGHAM
What would you give me if I put this whole waffle in my mouth?
AUDREY BINGHAM
An uncontested divorce.
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JEFF BINGHAM
$85 for skin cream?
AUDREY BINGHAM
This stuff is amazing. This is it. [pulls out the tiniest little jar of skin cream]
JEFF BINGHAM
$85 for that tiny jar? What's in it, $80?
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ADAM RHODES
How about tennis?
JEFF BINGHAM
What are we, 17 year old Russian girls?
ADAM RHODES
No, tennis is manlier than golf
JEFF BINGHAM
Oh please, a golf ball could kill you, a tennis ball couldn't.
ADAM RHODES
It could if you choked on it.
JEFF BINGHAM
What are you doing with a tennis ball in your mouth?
ADAM RHODES
Touche.
JEFF BINGHAM
Here, I got a putter for you. Try not to choke on it.
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JEFF BINGHAM
When you've been together as long as Audrey and I have it's okay to have separate interests. For instance, she loves going to the theater and I hate it.
AUDREY BINGHAM
Hating the theater is not an interest. An interest is something you enjoy
JEFF BINGHAM
I enjoy hating the theater.