1
FRED G. SANFORD
[Holding four tickets to "The Gong Show"] Now, who should I ask?
LAMONT SANFORD
Well, besides me, you could ask Aunt Esther.
FRED G. SANFORD
Esther? This is the GONG Show, not the GOON Show!
1
LAMONT SANFORD
Hey, I dance myself.
ALICE
Do you really?
LAMONT SANFORD
Yeah, I can do the Robot, the Good Foot, the Booty Bump, the Crutch and the Hip.
FRED G. SANFORD
That don't sound like no dance; that sounds like a serious accident.
1
FRED G. SANFORD
Hello, son. Roger and I were just having a little talk.
LAMONT SANFORD
Yeah, I heard all about it, "Major." Cyanide capsules, truth drugs. I'm surprised Roger wasn't hurt.
FRED G. SANFORD
Hurt?
LAMONT SANFORD
Hit by flying bull.
1
LAMONT SANFORD
[Examining the contents of Fred's pocket after he set off the airport metal detector] A crucifix? A St. Christopher's medal? A Star of David? A Crescent of Islam? And a Buddha?
FRED G. SANFORD
[Bringing up his hand] And a mojo.
LAMONT SANFORD
[Exasperated] What do you need all these things for?
FRED G. SANFORD
Flight insurance. Y'see, down here on the ground I'm a Baptist, but up there I ain't takin' no chances.
0
LAMONT SANFORD
That's the way it used to be, Pop, now adays they give you one of them needles and you don't even know what hit you.
FRED SANFORD
Oh, now I know I ain't going.
LAMONT SANFORD
Why not?
FRED SANFORD
Are you kidding? A needle. I don't wanna get hooked on that stuff. It'd change me from Friendly Fred to Junkie Joe.
0
LAMONT SANFORD
You're a dirty old man ya know that?
FRED SANFORD
And I'm gonna be one 'till I'm a dead old man.
0
FRED SANFORD
I still want to sow some wild oats.
LAMONT SANFORD
At your age, you don't have no wild oats, you got shredded wheat.
0
FRED SANFORD
[Coughs violently] Smokin' less but enjoying it more. [Lamont enters room] Hey Lamont you bring me cigarettes?
LAMONT SANFORD
What?
FRED SANFORD
Cigarettes. Smokes. Did you get them?
LAMONT SANFORD
Did you hear yourself just now?
FRED SANFORD
Yeah I asked if you brung me cigarettes.
LAMONT SANFORD
No I mean did you hear yourself coughing? I heard you a block away, it sounded like they was tearing up the streets.
0
LAMONT SANFORD
Pop, since you was 10, you smoked a cigarette 41 miles long.
FRED SANFORD
That's real super king sized ain't it?
LAMONT SANFORD
41 miles. That's like you smoked a cigarette from here to Disneyland.
0
FRED SANFORD
Now she's got TB.
LAMONT SANFORD
What?
FRED SANFORD
Terrific Body.