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JANE CURTIN
[explaining why John Belushi won't speak to Gary Busey] Well, the way he looks at it, you're both young, electrifying, not very good looking actors who speak for the rock generation. So the Academy could only pick one of you and John feels you stole his nomination.
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JANE CURTIN
You see, I just assumed it was responsible journalism you wanted, not sex. I gave you more credit than that. But I was wrong. What can I say besides [raises voice] Try these on for size, Connie Chung! [rips open blouse to expose a black bra] If it's raw news you want, it's raw news you get!
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JANE CURTIN
Miss Lillian Carter removes her makeup. This and other stories coming up on Weekend Update next.
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JANE CURTIN
This just in: Paul McCartney was freed, but the crisis continued in Tokyo.
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI
I had a bunch of Quaaludes in my sock.
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI
Live from New York and the wonderful empire of Japan, it's Saturday Night.
MR. POTATO HEAD
[sings]
LADY PINTH GARNELL
Tune in next week on Bad Playhouse, where we present an awful Japanese version of Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. So until then, good night.
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JANE CURTIN
According to a book published this week, that not only George Washington has wooden teeth, but America's first president also had a wooden eye, a wooden leg, four wooden toes, a wooden wrist, a wooden spleen, and a wooden prostate gland. In fact, he was the rowboat that crossed Delaware. Don't you love history?
MR. ROSS
I can't take it anymore, honey. I'm sorry, I'm going! [prepares to jump off the window]
SHERRY
[in panic] Oh, Mr. Ross! Don't jump!
LARAINE NEWMAN
[breaks character, sarcastic] Great leap, Jack.
JACK BURNS
[breaks character] What? What happened?
LARAINE NEWMAN
Well, that was a real convincing jump. I mean, this is supposed to be a real skyscraper, you know, we're supposed to be high above the ground and-- You we're supposed to duck!
JACK BURNS
Well, why didn't somebody tell me? I read the script. It just said jump. It didn't say about ducking. I mean it's-- I - I didn't know that, you know, Laraine, uh...
BARRY SPATS
Hi, how do you do? I'm Barry Spats! I believe I had a three o'clock appointment with Mr. Ross! Hey!
LARAINE NEWMAN
John. Skip the lines. Jack forgot to jump, er, duck.
JOHN BELUSHI
[angrily broke character] GREAT, JACK! NICE GOIN'! I HAD A BIG SPEECH I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO HERE, JACK!
LARAINE NEWMAN
Hey! Hear those sirens? That's supposed to be the ambulance that arrived too late to save you.
JACK BURNS
Well, uh, couldn't we do it over? I'm willing to do it over again.
POLICEMAN #1
Hey, uh, a witness said that they saw a man jump out of this window!
POLICEMAN #2
Yeah, can you identify him for us? What's the victim's name?
LARAINE NEWMAN
Drop it, guys.
JACK BURNS
[sheepishly] Hi, Garrett, Bill.
BILL MURRAY
[breaks character, annoyed] Nice work, Jack. What the HELL are you doing standing up?
TOM SUSSMAN
Okay, hold it, everybody! Uh, Tom Sussman, Daily News! Get pictures of everything, Lois! This is gonna be a great story! "Wealthy Exec Gets Depressed- Wife Leaves Him- He Takes The Plunge!"
LARAINE NEWMAN
Dan. Jane.
DAN AYKROYD
[breaks character] Oh.
JACK BURNS
I sort of feel responsible for this, Dan. You see, what..
MISTRESS
[crying] I just saw him lying on the sidewalk! Oh, my god! I was his mistress! We meet on a weekend in Tahiti at Club Med! It was beautiful and we were gonna to work it out! But I came to tell him it was over! I was terrible!
JOHN BELUSHI
[to Gilda Radner who plays the Mistress] You feel terrible? How do you think I feel? I miss out on a chance of giving out a big speech! Oh, God! Because Mr. Improv over here doesn't know how to duck! Isn't that right?!
JACK BURNS
[calmly] That's right. I didn't know it was in the script.
BOY SCOUT
He was- he was my troop leader. Does this mean the hike is off?
LARAINE NEWMAN
Oh, let's get out of here.
GILDA RADNER
Come on.
JOHN BELUSHI
Give me a break. How about Mr. Realism over here?
LARAINE NEWMAN
You're on your own, Jack.
JOHN BELUSHI
Take care.
BILL MURRAY
Nice workin' with you, Jack.
JANE CURTIN
Yeah. You're a disgrace and a embarrassment, Jack.
JACK BURNS
I - I - I feel kind of humiliated, you know fouling a sketch up like this. I did try. I mean, I've been trying all week, uh, I was trying to get in shape for the show mentally as well as uh, physically and uh, speaking of humiliation, here's how to overcome embarrassment in a form of this week's film by Gary Weis. Dave, can you roll it please? Maybe this will save my ass.
GAGS BEASLEY
Remember this: There is a thin line between comedy and humor.
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JANE CURTIN
Well, Watergate cover-up co-conspirators John Mitchell, John E. Erlichman, and Cubby Haldeman have been signed on as Mouseketeers on the Mickey Mouse Club TV series. When asked to comment on this unusual move, the three defendants quote in unison, "Why, because we like you!"
EMILY LITELLA
[her phone messenge] Hello, this is Emily Litella. I'm not home right now. But I will call you back as soon as possible. Just leave your name, number, and what time you called, after you hear the sound of the jeep. [beep]
SUN MYUNG MOON
Good ev-e-ning, I am the Reverand Sun Myung Moon, leader of the Moonies!
SUN MYUNG MOON
We have come... for... the girl!
DEPROGRAMMER #1
This kid's going BACK to her family!
SUN MYUNG MOON
Whyyyy do you resist us? It is so much preseant to surrender and become one of us. Submit to the uneffortable, free yourself of human emotion.
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DON PARDO
[voiceover] The Little House on The Praire Burns To The Ground will not be seen tonight, so that NBC will air the following special program.
JANE CURTIN
[angrily] Emily?! What are you doing here?! SCRAM!
EMILY LITELLA
Oh, go to hell, Miss Clayton.
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JANE CURTIN
Last week, Britain elected Margaret Thatcher to be the first woman Prime Minister in European history. Right now, Weekend Update is bouncing a live signal between our studios and #10 Downing Street, London, where Prime Minister Thatcher is waiting to talk to us.
JANE CURTIN
Mrs. Prime Minister, can you hear me?
MARGARET THATCHER
Yes, yes I can, Jane.
JANE CURTIN
Well, first of all, our congratulations on becoming Great Britain's first woman Prime Minister.
MARGARET THATCHER
Well, thank you, Jane. Throughout our history, Great Britain has been blessed by several great women leaders, including Queen Victoria, Queen Elizabeth, Jeremy Faulk...
JANE CURTIN
Mrs. Thatcher, during the campaign, you stopped wearing those outlandish hats you were known for. Now that you've been elected, do you plan to start wearing hats again?
MARGARET THATCHER
[laughs] What are you talking about, Jane? This is a hat! Yes, it's my lucky hat. I wore it all throughout the campaign.
JANE CURTIN
I see.. Well, turning to more serious matters, Mrs. Prime Minister, are you going to reverse England's Rhodesia policy and lift sanctions against the new government?
MARGARET THATCHER
Yes, I'm leaning that way, Jane. After all, there was an election- one person, one vote. Now I ask you...
JANE CURTIN
Uh, excuse me... that wasn't exactly "one person, one vote." The whites were obviously...
MARGARET THATCHER
Yes. Can I just finish? There is an internal settlement, there is a black Prime Minister elected in a democratic election.
JANE CURTIN
Uh, not democratic. The internal settlement..
MARGARET THATCHER
May I finish?
JANE CURTIN
The internal settlement guaranteed the whites a disproportionate number of seats in Parliament, enough to veto any meaningful change in the next ten years! Whites will control the Police, the Army, the Civil Service, housing.. perpetuating the system of oppression that fuels the fire of revolution, and creates a breeding ground for Soviet expansionism!
MARGARET THATCHER
Jane, you are an ignorant slut.
JANE CURTIN
Thank you, Prime Minister Thatcher, for joining us tonight.
-1
JANE CURTIN
Well, Watergate cover-up co-conspirators John Mitchell, John E. Erlichman, and Cubby Haldeman have been signed on as Mouseketeers on the Mickey Mouse Club TV series. When asked to comment on this unusual move, the three defendants quote in unison, "Why, because we like you!"
EMILY LITELLA
[her phone messenge] Hello, this is Emily Litella. I'm not home right now. But I will call you back as soon as possible. Just leave your name, number, and what time you called, after you hear the sound of the jeep. [beep]
-1
JANE CURTIN
This past Thursday was the Great American Smoke Out, a day that everyone in America was encouraged to stop smoking cigarettes for a twenty-four hour period. Here to comment further is Update health correspondent, Roseanne Roseannadanna.
ROSANNE ROSANNADANNA
Thanks a lot, Jane! Thanks a lot! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey, writes in and says "Dear Rosanne Rosannadanna, Last Thursday, I quit smoking. Now, I'm depressed, I get wet, my face broke out, I'm nauseous, I'm constipated, my feet swell, my gums are bleeding, my sinuses are clogged, I got heartburn, I'm cranky, and I have gas. What should I do?" Mr. Feder you sound like a real attractive guy. You BELONG in New Jersey! But I know exactly what you're goin' through 'cause once, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, quit smokin'. And to get back in shape, I had to join one of those fancy-shmancy health clubs. You know, the ones where it's real expensive to join but it's worth it, 'cause you get to see a lot o' people that you don't know naked! Like, some people got those bulgy-bulgy thighs, the ones that get chafed just 'cause they're always scrapin' against each other. And there's other people there that got these funny belly buttons. Like, some go in and some go out or it's like a hole or it curls around or it's like a little knob on it, like a door. Some of them got a little piece of their sweater still in it! Some of 'em look like a little star or a shell or a clam. Or some, you don't what they are! But, personally, I, Roseanne Rosannadanna, don't like to walk around with no clothes in front of other people! Not that I don't got a great body. But why should I waste it on a bunch of fat ladies in a health club? Anyway, they got this sauna there which is a little hot room where you go to sweat like a pig. So, I go in there, but before I sit down, I put this clean towel on the bench 'cause there's a lot of people in there and you don't know where they been! So, listen to this. Who do you think is sitting next to me but Dr. Joyce Brothers! That very smart pixie lady who thinks she knows everything. But what this nude psychologist doesn't know is that she had this little teeny tiny ball o' sweat right here, hangin' off the tip of her nose! It was just hangin' there! It wouldn't fall off! Like, if she turned her head, it didn't fall off; if she stood up, it didn't fall off; she scratched, it didn't fall off; and when she picked a little piece of sweater out of her belly button, it didn't fall off! That little sweat ball just wouldn't fall off! So I yelled at her. I said, "Hey! Doctor! Flick that sweat ball off your nose! What are ya tryin' to do? Make me sick?!" She...
JANE CURTIN
Roseanne!
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA
What? What?
JANE CURTIN
What do health clubs, sweat and saunas have to do with cigarettes?
ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA
Well, Jane. It just goes to show ya. It's always somethin'. If it's not one thing, it's another! Either you smoke or you have a sweat ball hangin' off your nose! It's just like the song we used to sing on Thanksgiving when I was a little girl. Everybody would come over to my house lookin' all pretty and cute and everything. My mother would make a turkey with stuffing and for dessert we'd have the traditional Banana Rosannadanna cake. Before we ate, we'd bow our heads. Bow your head, Jane. Come on, bow your little head. Come on. Jane, bow your head. Bow your head now. [Jane bows her head] We'd bow our heads and we'd all sing.