62
EFFY STONEM
Don't do that! I went crazy when I was with you. I can't let that happen again. Love is not supposed to do that. You made me go mad.
FREDDIE MCLAIR
You making me mad now, Effy. And that's exactly what love is supposed to do.
28
FREDDIE MCLAIR
We'd be good together don't you think?
EFFY STONEM
No.
FREDDIE MCLAIR
Why not?
EFFY STONEM
Because I'll break your heart.
FREDDIE MCLAIR
Maybe I'll break yours.
EFFY STONEM
Nobody breaks my heart.
16
EFFY STONEM
Sometimes I think I was born backwards, you know came out my mum the wrong way. I hear words go past me backwards. The people I should love I hate, and the people I hate...
12
EFFY STONEM
Come on, JJ. Don't be pathetic, it's easy. Just tell me something true. Tell me. Tell me now.
JJ
I love you.
EFFY STONEM
[smiling] Well everybody loves me.
JJ
That's a relief.
12
NAOMI
Hamlet's basically a teenage boy. He's got all these desires, but he doesn't have the bottle to reach out for them. So, he goes mad, and wanks off about Ophelia, and ends up so boring, somebody has to kill him!
JOSIE
I'm not sure that's right. There's no wanking in Hamlet.
NAOMI
Yeah, there is. Loads. Only they call it "soliloquising".
FREDDIE MCLAIR
We'd be good together. Don't you think?
EFFY STONEM
No.
FREDDIE MCLAIR
Why?
EFFY STONEM
Because I'll break your heart.
FREDDIE MCLAIR
Maybe I'll break yours.
EFFY STONEM
Nobody breaks my heart. And anyway, why would I want that?
ANTHEA STONEM
You may as well take them, they'll only end up in cunting Oxfam!
JIM STONEM
[Shouting] Don't you dare use "cunt" and "Oxfam" in the same sentence!
8
EFFY STONEM
Love, love, love... what is it good for? Absolutely nothing.
6
COOK SENIOR
You're too pretty for your own good. That's why you destroy everything you touch.
EFFY STONEM
Look who's talking.
COOK SENIOR
I'm Guns N' Roses, love. I got an appetite for destruction.
EFFY STONEM
You're not his dad. Not really.
COOK SENIOR
And you're not his girlfriend, not really. You're gonna fucking snap that boy's heart in two.
EFFY STONEM
And you've been doing it to him every day of his life.
ANTHEA STONEM
Are you Effy's friend?
JJ
I think so. Are you her mum?
ANTHEA STONEM
[nods] Can I sit? [sits down] JJ, right? The magician?
JJ
Oh, I used to do magic. Not anymore though.
ANTHEA STONEM
I used to be married, not anymore though.
JJ
Pick a card, any card.
ANTHEA STONEM
I thought you gave up.
JJ
Some things are quite hard to let go of.
ANTHEA STONEM
Effy likes magic.
JJ
Are you sure?
ANTHEA STONEM
Well yeah, not the, you know, stupid abracadabra sort... I... I'm so sorry.
JJ
It's okay. I've come to terms with the facts.
ANTHEA STONEM
You know, she was four years old the first time she beat me at hide and seek. Four. I was looking for her for hours. When I finally found her she just smiled. You know, that Effy smile that means "you don't know me at all, you never will". See that's a kind of magic. She's so good at concealing things, hiding, avoiding.
JJ
Yeah.
ANTHEA STONEM
I do know her. And I know that she has got so much love in her heart. But the thought of letting it out, showing her cards, scares her to death. I never knew it would be possible to miss someone this much.
JJ
Now let's get down to it. No more evasion. No more "Oooh, I'm really fit and mysterious". Now Freddie: he's in love with you, aren't you Freddie? Aren't you Freddie? [Freddie nods] Cook: he loves you, yes? [Cook looks down] And just for the record, I love you too. And I won the race. So: three boys, one girl. It's an insoluble equation, unless you choose and we can finally get back to our lives.
FREDDIE MCLAIR
It's all your fault, you made this happen. You made it all a game first, remember that stupid fucking list?
EFFY STONEM
I know.
FREDDIE MCLAIR
You know? What sort of fucking answer's that?
EFFY STONEM
The only one I've got.
FREDDIE MCLAIR
[to Effy, Cook and JJ] So... what do we do now? [Closing line]
4
COOK SENIOR
You coming, Eff? You soon will be.
EFFY STONEM
I'd sooner fuck JJ.
JJ
I know that isn't intended as a compliment, but...I'm going to take it as one anyway.
COOK SENIOR
You didn't get it. I said, "Are you coming, Eff? You soon will be."
EFFY STONEM
I got it. Freddie and JJ got it. That termite over there got it. But you're not going to get it. Got it?
COOK SENIOR
Now I'm confused.
EFFY STONEM
I'm not going anywhere near your Crayola dick. I know where it's been.
3
FREDDIE MCLAIR
[standing next to Effy, she closes her locker and looks at him] Hi.
EFFY STONEM
[turns to face him] Hi.
FREDDIE MCLAIR
You don't mind if I take this locker? [nodding to a locker next to Effy's]
EFFY STONEM
You can take anything if you want it enough.
FREDDIE MCLAIR
Great. Everything's new I suppose we should probably, like, you know, all get to know each other.
EFFY STONEM
Why?
FREDDIE MCLAIR
Well um... I don't know. You definitely looked at me this morning, twice. And I just thought, you know, maybe we could get to know each other.
EFFY STONEM
I look at lots of people. That doesn't mean I want to get to know them. [starts to walk away, but turns back] Do you want me to want to get to know you?
FREDDIE MCLAIR
I, er, I wouldn't mind.
EFFY STONEM
Thing is, they want to get to know me too.
FREDDIE MCLAIR
[Freddie looks over to Cook and JJ, turning back to look at Effy] They're just wankers.
EFFY STONEM
They're your best friends.
FREDDIE MCLAIR
OK, so they're my best friends.
EFFY STONEM
That makes it complicated, doesn't it.
FREDDIE MCLAIR
I, um, I was hoping not. [Effy nods] I'm Freddie. [putting out his hand to shake]
EFFY STONEM
[Effy ignores this and walks back around him to her locker] Tell you what, Freddie. [Effy gets a piece of paper out of her locker and hands it to Freddie] Fill in a form.
FREDDIE MCLAIR
What's this? [Freddie takes the paper]
EFFY STONEM
A list of all the things were not allowed to do at this college. Like that head director girl said before your bestest mate got his cock out. I was gonna see if I could tick 'em all before the end of the day, but this is much more interesting. First one to fill that out gets to... get to know me. And no cheating, I'll need evidence.
FREDDIE MCLAIR
OK.
EFFY STONEM
[Effy walking off] 'cause I won't fuck a cheat.
FREDDIE MCLAIR
[calling after her] Sorry? [Effy looks back at him, then carries on walking]
2
TONY STONEM
Just you and me, sis.
EFFY STONEM
Fucking wanker.
TONY STONEM
Eff, what are you talking about?
EFFY STONEM
Michelle.
TONY STONEM
I tried.
EFFY STONEM
No. Wanker.
TONY STONEM
I said sorry!
EFFY STONEM
Wanker.
TONY STONEM
Effy. I liked it better when you didn't talk.
EFFY STONEM
[pause] Wanker.