8
BARNEY FIFE
Boy, giraffes are selfish.
5
BARNEY FIFE
I'll say it right to your face, Otis, you've got a pickled liver!
OTIS CAMPBELL
Well, it's better than having a pickled puss!
BARNEY FIFE
Oh, yeah?
OTIS CAMPBELL
Yeah!
ANDY TAYLOR
Boys, stop it!
OTIS CAMPBELL
Well, he started it!
BARNEY FIFE
I did not start it, he started it!
4
BARNEY FIFE
The last big buy was my mom's and dad's anniversary present.
ANDY TAYLOR
What'd ya get 'em?
BARNEY FIFE
A septic tank.
ANDY TAYLOR
For their anniversary?
BARNEY FIFE
They're awful hard to buy for. Besides, it was something they could use. They were really thrilled. It had two tons of concrete in it. All steel reinforced.
ANDY TAYLOR
You're a fine son, Barn.
BARNEY FIFE
I try.
3
BARNEY FIFE
[Andy and Barney are watching a sign painter] Ain't he got chicken spelled wrong?
ANDY TAYLOR
No, it's right.
BARNEY FIFE
You sure?
ANDY TAYLOR
Yeah, it's "i before e except after c and e before n in chicken".
BARNEY FIFE
[chuckles] Oh yeah, I always forget that rule.
3
BARNEY FIFE
[Barney is writing a song, doesn't know Andy is standing behind him, sung to the tune of Clementine] In a jailhouse/down in dixie/fighting crime and risking lives/live a sheriff/ and his buddy pistol packing Barny Fife. Oh my daring/oh my daring/ oh my daring Barney Fife/He's a deadly crime stopper/what a copper Barney Fife. Then one day there/came a ridin'/two bad men to rob a bank. But Fife was tricky/a deadeye dickie/now they're locked up in the tank....
ANDY TAYLOR
...Oh my Barney/Oh my Barney/had a jail but couldn't lock it/had one bullet for his pistol/had to keep it in his pocket
2
BARNEY FIFE
Andy, I've this one dead to rights! Otis was drunk. I even gave him a test. I drew a line on the sidewalk and told him to walk it. You know what he said?
ANDY TAYLOR
What?
BARNEY FIFE
He asked me what line. I've got this one right, Andy. Otis was drunk!
ANDY TAYLOR
That right, Otis? Did you ask Deputy Fife what line?
OTIS CAMPBELL
Yeah; but I didn't have my specs on and drunk or sober, I can't see much without my specs.
ANDY TAYLOR
Otis, three hours ago when Deputy Fife arrested you were you drunk?
OTIS CAMPBELL
I don't know; I wasn't wearin' my glasses.
2
BARNEY FIFE
Adios, amigo.
BRISCOE DARLING
[to Andy] He one of ours?
ANDY TAYLOR
Oh, sure.
BRISCOE DARLING
[to Barney] More power to ya.
2
BARNEY FIFE
[to a group of boys] Boys, when that steel door slams shut, that's the end of the happy days. No more fishin', no more ball playin', no more peanut butter sandwiches. [Door slams shut behind Barney]
ANDY TAYLOR
[little boy holds out sandwich to Barney] No, No Leon; Barney can't have that.
BARNEY FIFE
You're real funny, you know that. We ought to book you on one of those excursion lines.
1
BARNEY FIFE
A boob that's what I am, a boob!
1
BARNEY FIFE
[while relaxing on the front porch after Sunday dinner] You know what I think I'm gonna' do?
ANDY TAYLOR
What?
BARNEY FIFE
I'm gonna' go home, have me a little nap, and then go over to Thelma Lou's and watch a little TV.
ANDY TAYLOR
Mmm-hmm.
BARNEY FIFE
Yeah, I believe that's what I'll do. Go home... have a nap... and then over to Thelma Lou's for TV.
ANDY TAYLOR
Mmm.
BARNEY FIFE
Yep, that's the plan. Home... little nap... then...
MALCOLM TUCKER
[interrupting] For the love of Mike *do* it! [shouts] Do it! Just *do* it! Go take a nap, go to Thelma Lou's for TV, just *do it*!