2
ARTHUR SPOONER
Douglas, would you please pass me the catsup?
DOUG HEFFERNAN
The what?
ARTHUR SPOONER
The catsup.
DOUG HEFFERNAN
Did you mean the ketchup?
ARTHUR SPOONER
Highly educated people pronounce it catsup.
DOUG HEFFERNAN
Not if they want me to pass it to them.
2
CARRIE HEFFERNAN
[on the engagement ring] You really fell ass-backward into somethin', didn't you, hon?
2
DOUG HEFFERNAN
You know what I really love about being married to you?
CARRIE HEFFERNAN
Not having to pay for sex?
1
DOUG HEFFERNAN
Friends just keep you away from TV.
1
DOUG HEFFERNAN
My name might as well be Fatty McButterpants.
1
DOUG HEFFERNAN
I'm going to come up with something so romantic and heartfelt it's gonna make you feel like a piece of crap! A piece of crap!
1
CARRIE SPOONER HEFFERNAN
Don't you bring my father into this!
DOUG HEFFERNAN
He's out of his mind! He cancelled our cable, because the cable company wouldn't pay him each time they ran the movie "Arthur"!
1
DOUG HEFFERNAN
At our wedding we had about 125 guests; eleven years later we have six. So you might wanna pull your attitude back a little.
1
DOUG HEFFERNAN
Mahi mahi is for me-hi me-hi.
1
DOUG HEFFERNAN
I hope this tattoo's temporary, what the hell is that, a turtle eating an apple.