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RED GREEN
A poem by T. S. Eliot Green: "Let us go then, you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table. Let us go through certain half-deserted streets, because, my friend, life is short. And how often do you get the chance to drive a snowmobile through a mall?"
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RED GREEN
You know, guys don't like to ask anybody for help. Women think it's because it makes us look weak, but that's not it. No, guys hate asking friends for help on a project because it means selling yourself into slavery. It's called payback work. If I ask a friend to help me do something smart like build a winterized garage for my snowmobile, then I'd have go help him do something stupid, like pour a cement pad for his rocket launcher. And why would I want to do that? If I've already finished my project, I don't want to do any more work. That payback work is nagging away in the back of your mind. Just like that relative living in the guest room. No matter what you say or what you do, it will not leave. You want my advice? You need something that needs to be fixed, hire a professional. If it's not bad enough to need a professional, fix it yourself and it will be. Believe me, you're better paying in cash once than paying in payback work the rest of your life.
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RED GREEN
[singing] Oh, there's a hole in my tent and the water's coming in./It's rainin' on my hat, and it's drippin' on my chin./Always remember camping lesson number one./If there're bugs in your tent, don't shoot 'em with a gun.
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RED GREEN
[Red tries to get Mike to guess the word 'Friend.'] All right, Mike... buddy.
MIKE HAMAR
Gang member?
RED GREEN
Close buddy.
MIKE HAMAR
Cell mate?
RED GREEN
Someone who talks about stuff...
MIKE HAMAR
Informer? Stoolie? Squealie? Dead meat?
RED GREEN
No, someone you can trust...
MIKE HAMAR
Prison chaplain.
RED GREEN
And you can trust him because he's...
MIKE HAMAR
An ex-con himself.
RED GREEN
Lemme go another way with this... I'm not just the guy who signed you out on parole, I'm also your buddy, your pal, your...
MIKE HAMAR
Warden?
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RANGER GORD
Many people have died at the end of a snake. Many people have died at the end of a rope. Think about it.
RED GREEN
Just remember, snakes are just as afraid of you as we are of Ranger Gord.
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RED GREEN
All it takes is a little imagination, some mechanical ability, and neighbors who mind their own business.
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DALTON HUMPHRIES
What about you, Red? Is there anything you can do to set a world record?
RED GREEN
Well, I could, but that's kind of between Bernice and I. I'm pretty sure they don't have that category. [he gestures towards the Guiness Book of World Records in Winston's hand]
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD
[looking at the book] Oh, no, snoring is in here.
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RED GREEN
There's only two things that excite a man, expensive toys and real expensive toys.
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HAROLD GREEN
Where does cheese come from, anyway?
RED GREEN
I'm not sure but I think butter comes from leaving milk out too long.
HAROLD GREEN
Maybe cheese is butter that has been left out too long...
RED GREEN
Yeah, could be... but I always thought cheese was a urine product. No, maybe that's cheez-whiz.
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RED GREEN
And men, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.