18
ERNEST T. BASS
If a duck stood still you could catch him by the bill.
8
BARNEY FIFE
Boy, giraffes are selfish.
8
ERNEST T. BASS
Right or wrong I'm here to fight. Unless you run away with fright. And if you wonder who I be, it's me it's me, it's Ernest T. Whoo hoo.
7
SHERIFF ANDY TAYLOR
Nature's been good to you. I mean real, real, real good. I can't remember when I've seen nature spend as much time on one person.
5
BARNEY FIFE
I'll say it right to your face, Otis, you've got a pickled liver!
OTIS CAMPBELL
Well, it's better than having a pickled puss!
BARNEY FIFE
Oh, yeah?
OTIS CAMPBELL
Yeah!
ANDY TAYLOR
Boys, stop it!
OTIS CAMPBELL
Well, he started it!
BARNEY FIFE
I did not start it, he started it!
4
ANDY TAYLOR
[Briscoe is getting dressed for Charlene's wedding] Hold still, Mr. Darling, while I put on your tie.
BRISCOE DARLING
Ever since I saw a hangin', I been nervous about wearin' one of these things.
4
BARNEY FIFE
The last big buy was my mom's and dad's anniversary present.
ANDY TAYLOR
What'd ya get 'em?
BARNEY FIFE
A septic tank.
ANDY TAYLOR
For their anniversary?
BARNEY FIFE
They're awful hard to buy for. Besides, it was something they could use. They were really thrilled. It had two tons of concrete in it. All steel reinforced.
ANDY TAYLOR
You're a fine son, Barn.
BARNEY FIFE
I try.
3
BARNEY FIFE
[Andy and Barney are watching a sign painter] Ain't he got chicken spelled wrong?
ANDY TAYLOR
No, it's right.
BARNEY FIFE
You sure?
ANDY TAYLOR
Yeah, it's "i before e except after c and e before n in chicken".
BARNEY FIFE
[chuckles] Oh yeah, I always forget that rule.
3
SHERIFF ANDY TAYLOR
You can't be serious about resigning. What in the world will you do?
DEPUTY BARNEY FIFE
Oh, I don't know... I could go up to the pickle factory. They always need a brine tester.
3
BARNEY FIFE
[Barney is writing a song, doesn't know Andy is standing behind him, sung to the tune of Clementine] In a jailhouse/down in dixie/fighting crime and risking lives/live a sheriff/ and his buddy pistol packing Barny Fife. Oh my daring/oh my daring/ oh my daring Barney Fife/He's a deadly crime stopper/what a copper Barney Fife. Then one day there/came a ridin'/two bad men to rob a bank. But Fife was tricky/a deadeye dickie/now they're locked up in the tank....
ANDY TAYLOR
...Oh my Barney/Oh my Barney/had a jail but couldn't lock it/had one bullet for his pistol/had to keep it in his pocket