1
JENNY SCHECTER
Stacey! Stacey!
1
JENNY SCHECTER
So this is what I want you to do. Ok, so you're going to look at her and you're going to take her and you're gonna throw her against the sink - BAM! And you're gonna look at her with PASSION and then you - don't worry I wont kiss you - you're gonna take her and you're gonna kiss her with tongue. And then I want you to reach down and then I want you to fingerfuck her... and give her the best fucking orgasm ever. Go for it!
ISABELLA
OH, you mean with my hand?
JENNY SCHECTER
Yeah. Unless you have some other apparati I don't know about.
ISABELLA
[as Bev] - 'How exciting... You're ovulating. Let's make a baby!'...
JENNY SCHECTER
Passion! That's okay. Okay, wauw, it looks like you guys are sort of doing a dance.
ISABELLA
Do you want to see my hand?
JENNY SCHECTER
I'd like to. Might be nice for you to look like you're actually giving her pleasure rather than moving furniture. You know, that looks like you're sewing up a hole in her jeans. You guys really don't know how to fuck women, do you?
1
JENNY SCHECTER
Are you thinking about having sex with me right now?
MOIRA SWEENEY
It's crossed my mind...
1
JENNY SCHECTER
[to Alice and Helena] Of course I'm going to read my own reviews. Why shouldn't I?
1
MARK WAYLAND
I wish so much that there was something I could do.
JENNY SCHECTER
No, I don't think there's anything that you can do. I think you did it.
MARK WAYLAND
When i moved in here, I was the type of guy who was capable of doing shit like this. But i am not that guy anymore. I know that I've said it before, but you and Shane have made me a better man.
JENNY SCHECTER
Oh, fuck off, Mark. It's not my job to make you a better man and I don't give a shit if I've made you a better man. It's not a fucking woman's job to be consumed and invaded and spat out so that some fucking man can evolve.
MARK WAYLAND
That's not what I meant.
JENNY SCHECTER
What the fuck are you talking about, then, Mark? You give me one reason why you think that I should forgive you.
MARK WAYLAND
Because, Jenny. I made a big, big mistake. But from that I have learned how difficult it is to be a woman.
JENNY SCHECTER
Ugh. Please. [Walks away]
MARK WAYLAND
Wait, Jenny! Hey! Look at this! [Strips naked]
JENNY SCHECTER
What are you doing?
MARK WAYLAND
Is this what you want?
JENNY SCHECTER
No. [Hurls a pen at him] What I want is for you to write "fuck me" on your chest. Write it. Do it! And then I want you to walk out that door and I want you to walk down the street, and anybody that wants to fuck you, say, "Sure! Sure! No problem!" And when they do, you have to say, "Thank you very, very much." And make sure that you have a smile on your face. And then, you stupid fucking coward, you're gonna know what it feels like to be a woman.
1
JENNY SCHECTER
[to Tim's wife] You know, before he left me, he gave me a revenge-fuck.
0
ANNETTE BISHOP
So Jen... were you always a lesbian?
JENNY SCHECTER
[Takes a sip of water] I never said I was a lesbian.
ANNETTE BISHOP
So it just came outta no where and bit you on the ass like that? Cause I mean... I love women... yeah I mean, for the companionship. I figure I could do without the company of men entirely except dude [turns to Jenny] I can't get down with the puss... I love a dick.
JENNY SCHECTER
I think I'm bisexual.
ANNETTE BISHOP
Oh brother...
JENNY SCHECTER
[interrupting] I do... I really do.
ANNETTE BISHOP
Jenny, is this just your way of telling me that you had a crush on me in college?
JENNY SCHECTER
Annette... [gets serious]... no.
ANNETTE BISHOP
[smiling] You're lying... You were madly in love with me. [Turns back to the mirror] Well I gotta get a look at this Marina, to see if she's worth it...
JENNY SCHECTER
[smiling] no...
ANNETTE BISHOP
yeah
JENNY SCHECTER
Oh no...
ANNETTE BISHOP
Yeah... no we gotta stalk her, no we gotta stalker her jenny just a little bit so I can see.
JENNY SCHECTER
no, no, no... no stalking
ANNETTE BISHOP
Why?
JENNY SCHECTER
Because... um... her girlfriend's back in town.
ANNETTE BISHOP
Her Girlfriend!
JENNY SCHECTER
I know...
ANNETTE BISHOP
Man, does this story get any better?
0
JENNY SCHECTER
[to Helena] Oh, my God! You're right. Look at this. This girl has slept with one thousand, one hundred... Oh! She just added a name. Now it's one thousand, one hundred and fifty one.
0
JENNY SCHECTER
I never said I was a lesbian.
ANNETTE BISHOP
So it just came out of nowhere and bit you on the ass like that? Cause I mean... I love women... yeah. I mean, for the companionship. I figure I could do without the company of men entirely except dude... I can't get down with the puss. I love a dick.
JENNY SCHECTER
I think I'm bisexual.
ANNETTE BISHOP
Oh brother...
JENNY SCHECTER
I do... I really do.
ANNETTE BISHOP
Jenny, is this just your way of telling me that you had a crush on me in college?
JENNY SCHECTER
Annette! I mean... no.
ANNETTE BISHOP
You're lying. You were madly in love with me. But seriously, I gotta get a look at this Marina, to see if she's worth it.
JENNY SCHECTER
No.
ANNETTE BISHOP
Yeah.
JENNY SCHECTER
Oh, no.
ANNETTE BISHOP
Yeah... no we gotta stalk her. No we gotta stalker her, Jenny, just a little bit so I can see.
JENNY SCHECTER
No, no, no! No stalking!
ANNETTE BISHOP
Why?
JENNY SCHECTER
Because... um... her girlfriend's back in town.
ANNETTE BISHOP
Her girlfriend?
JENNY SCHECTER
I know...
ANNETTE BISHOP
Man, does this story get any better?
0
JENNY SCHECTER
[to Shane] Is that Carmen spinning?
SHANE MCCUTCHEON
Yeah, I hooked her up with Kit.
JENNY SCHECTER
Aren't you going to go say hi?
SHANE MCCUTCHEON
[with a forced grin] I did.
SHANE MCCUTCHEON
[at Jenny's look] What?
JENNY SCHECTER
I don't know, it's just sometimes you remind me of guys I used to date in high school.