9
ANDRE
Right after graduation, you guys rolled me my first joint. That's it. I kept it. I got crazy high.
KEVIN
Ruxin, you told me you told him!
RUXIN
I never told him, how do you tell someone that? Do you know what is in that joint?
ANDRE
Weed!
KEVIN
No, not weed. Our pubic hair.
7
PETE
You don't ever think about divorce?
RUXIN
I've thought about it, but I'd never do it.
PETE
Why, do you have a moral stipulation...?
RUXIN
Nah. If Sophia and I split up, 50% of my time, I would have to spend 100% of my time with my kid. Right now, I'm rocking, like, 50% coverage 30% of my time. You cannot beat those numbers. Also, if we got a divorce, she would get half of my money, making me ostensibly poor, yet still paying her to just get pounded by other dudes, which will happen, because she is still smoking hot, whereas I look like a Nazi propaganda cartoon of a Jew.
PETE
Wow, you have crunched the numbers on this one, my friend.
4
KEVIN
Why would you think I'm colluding?
RUXIN
Your wife asked you to do something, and you did it on the first ask. It takes my wife three asks before I'll do something menial like take the trash out, and we have a loving marriage.
4
RAFI
This is Sofia, the light of my life.
GAIL
Yeah, right.
RAFI
She's the most beautiful woman in the world.
SOFIA
Aw...
RAFI
I love you so much.
SOFIA
I love you so much.
GAIL
Bullshit.
RAFI
Bullshit? Fine.
RUXIN
[sick] Sofia Ruxin forever unclean.
RAFI
I love you.
SOFIA
I love you.
GAIL
All right, you know what? I don't have to take this. You really messed this up. You could've had sex with the most pathetic, insecure, desperate woman you've ever met. I would have let you put me in a cage!
RAFI
I have a cage!
GAIL
Have fun in your cage alone!
RAFI
[as she leaves] Later, Gail.
SOFIA
What was that all about?
RAFI
Oh, I was just messing around. But by the way, great kiss.
SOFIA
Really?
RAFI
[to Ruxin] I hope you're getting a lot of this, man because this is some terrific kissing right here my sister does.
SOFIA
I'm a good kisser.
RUXIN
Ugh! No!
RAFI
I mean, you're such a good kisser, you got my dick hard, and I'm your brother.
SOFIA
Oh, come on, I didn't make you hard.
RAFI
You can check. You can check.
3
ANDRE
I met this doctor, Dr. Maxwell. Real class act.
PETE
Is he...black?
ANDRE
How'd you know?
PETE
Nine times out of ten, when a sportscaster is referring to someone as a "class act", they're talking about a head coach who's black. "Tony Dungy, what a class act."
KEVIN
"Total. Lovie Smith—class act."
ANDRE
I never noticed that. I mean, it happens all the time?
KEVIN
It's not just football. Sportscasters use these code words in all sports. If they're talking about a Latino player in baseball, like, "Ozzie Guillen is a..."
RUXIN
Firecracker. Latin guys are always firecrackers.
KEVIN
"...firecracker."
PETE
Spark plug.
KEVIN
Spark plug in the clubhouse.
RUXIN
Wes Welker is like a gym rat, a real scrappy player.
KEVIN
Which is code word for "white."
RUXIN
Always a white guy.
KEVIN
Ichiro Suzuki is...
TACO
Inscrutable.
1
RUXIN
Why are you and Kevin colluding?
JENNY
Have you ever been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia?
RUXIN
They brought me in for an evaluation in middle school, but I left before the psychiatrist could give me his final diagnosis. [Whispering] 'Cause he had it out for me.
1
TWYLA
Look, I know you have been avoiding me, but I need a donation from you for Team Twyla for our marathon.
RUXIN
Yeah. I just don't know if I'm supporting Team Twyla this year.
TWYLA
Excuse me?
RUXIN
See, I just don't negotiate with charity terrorists.
TWYLA
What are charity terrorists?
RUXIN
Charity terrorists are people like yourself who force me to give money to things against my will. It's almost a jihad against my wallet. Let me ask you a question, Twyla. How much of that marathon did you run last year?
TWYLA
Well, I walked as much as I could, and then I ran a bit and then I walked some!
RUXIN
On that walk, did you stop at TCBY?
TWYLA
Yes.
RUXIN
Well, I also love The Country's Best Yogurt, but I don't expect you to pay me to go on the elliptical to work it off. But if you do want to lose some weight, you can start by not eating my chicken salad sandwich out of the fridge.
TWYLA
Okay, well then why don't you put your name on it, Rodney?
RUXIN
'kay, everybody calls me Ruxin, and I can't believe I work in an office full of hungry hungry hippos.
1
ANDRE
You guys ready for the reunion this weekend? [The guys say no] You guys are going, right?
RUXIN
Absolutely not going to the reunion. Why would I want to go? The reunion is the worst thing in the world. I see all the people from high school that I want to see, and I don't even enjoy that.
1
KEVIN
What's that thing on top?
PETE
That is Sacko del Toro, otherwise known as a bull scrotum.
ANDRE
Wait, so we're naming it after a bull?
PETE
No, no, no, no. We said we were going to name it after the worst people at the reunion, and I did: you guys. You're literally the worst people I've ever known.
KEVIN
Thank you.
RUXIN
You're just saying that.
PETE
You're all sacks of shit. Here's to the Sacko.
THE GUYS
[toasting] To The Sacko.
KEVIN
I love it. I hope I never win it.
TACO
Smells like a new car.
1
ANDRE
Your brother stole my car.
RUXIN
He's not my brother. Bro-Lo El Cuñado.
ANDRE
If he has sex in that car, you're buying me a new one.
RUXIN
Well, someone will finally have sex in your car.
ANDRE
I went down on a girl in that car.
PETE
That wasn't a girl.
ANDRE
Yes, Turner syndrome, XXY.