3
ANDRE
I met this doctor, Dr. Maxwell. Real class act.
PETE
Is he...black?
ANDRE
How'd you know?
PETE
Nine times out of ten, when a sportscaster is referring to someone as a "class act", they're talking about a head coach who's black. "Tony Dungy, what a class act."
KEVIN
"Total. Lovie Smith—class act."
ANDRE
I never noticed that. I mean, it happens all the time?
KEVIN
It's not just football. Sportscasters use these code words in all sports. If they're talking about a Latino player in baseball, like, "Ozzie Guillen is a..."
RUXIN
Firecracker. Latin guys are always firecrackers.
KEVIN
"...firecracker."
PETE
Spark plug.
KEVIN
Spark plug in the clubhouse.
RUXIN
Wes Welker is like a gym rat, a real scrappy player.
KEVIN
Which is code word for "white."
RUXIN
Always a white guy.
KEVIN
Ichiro Suzuki is...
TACO
Inscrutable.
2
KEVIN
Why didn't you just move out of the way, Taco?
TACO
Why? I couldn't stop. I was at the vinegar strokes.
ANDRE
What are vinegar strokes?
TACO
It's the point during the sexual experience when a man is about to orgasm, and he makes likes someone put a spoonful of vinegar up to his nose.
2
ANDRE
Where were you at, man?
TACO
I was just having sex with some girl in a Prius. I love having sex in Priuses, 'cause you're not only having sex, you're saving the environment too.
1
TACO
[snaps four times] Racist lions don't like playing the game. Yesterday the game was to eat a lot of yogurt.
ANDRE
President Andrew Jackson?
TACO
Yeah, who else would Old Hickory be?
1
KEVIN
What's that thing on top?
PETE
That is Sacko del Toro, otherwise known as a bull scrotum.
ANDRE
Wait, so we're naming it after a bull?
PETE
No, no, no, no. We said we were going to name it after the worst people at the reunion, and I did: you guys. You're literally the worst people I've ever known.
KEVIN
Thank you.
RUXIN
You're just saying that.
PETE
You're all sacks of shit. Here's to the Sacko.
THE GUYS
[toasting] To The Sacko.
KEVIN
I love it. I hope I never win it.
TACO
Smells like a new car.
1
KEVIN
[in court seeing Taco eating popcorn] Taco? I knew one day you'd get arrested. What did you do?
TACO
I'm here for the show.
KEVIN
What show?
TACO
My favorite show's Judge Joe Brown, and my cable's out, so I figure this will be the next best thing.
1
RUXIN
Taco, this sukkah is supposed to be for Sukkot.
TACO
Yes, and after Sukkot comes Taccot.
PETE
What is Taccot?
TACO
Taccot is an ideal plane of existence where the 12 tribes of Israel come together with people who are high on mushrooms and groove to Aphex Twin.
KEVIN
This is my home.
TACO
Yeah, I'll give you all-access passes at a discount rate.
PETE
Guys, can we take a seat please? Sit. [The league sits down] All right, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think our league is lacking something.
TACO
A giant.
PETE
No, guys, trust. Every league gets to this point where we've cheated each other so many times over the years, we don't trust each other enough to make a simple trade. We've crossed the distrust horizon into the land of no trades.
RUXIN
Gee, I wonder who's responsible for that.
JENNY
You are the Patient Zero of distrust, Pete.
PETE
Okay. I admit it. But it's time for us to clear the air and get a little honesty going, okay?
ANDRE
Okay. What happened in my apartment during the draft?
EVERYONE ELSE
Nothing!
RUXIN
Did you guys cheat picking the draft order?
EVERYONE ELSE
No!
PETE
Okay, good. Now that we're all being honest, I would like to show you something. [Removes a drape and reveals a dry-erase board with everyone's rosters, to which they are all amazed] As you can all see, all of our teams suck. Some of the lineups aren't even legal. So in honor of Sukkot, I would like to propose to you what I call the eight-way trade.
RUXIN
Wait—an eight-way? But Andre's sister's not even here.
TACO
Andre's sister? Shotgun last.
PETE
I think I've come up with a plan that everyone will be happy with if we just...do this. [Proceeds to make several trades throughout] Okay, Andre, you're in need of a good defense. You have four tight ends. I have four defenses and no tight ends.
ANDRE
Huh.
PETE
Kevin, three quarterbacks.
KEVIN
That could help out Taco, and the thing is, you got to start getting rid of some of these kickers.
TACO
I like kickers. They're the toughest.
PETE
Jenny, you might need more at wide receiver than just Michael Crabtree. Ruxin, you could let go of one or two of your wide receivers.
RUXIN
I'm not letting go of anyone good—no!
PETE
Package two wide receivers with the Baltimore defense and trade it for...MJD.
RUXIN
I like Maurice Jones-Drew.
PETE
I know you do.
KEVIN
Hey, what about me?
PETE
I haven't forgotten about you, Kevin.
JENNY
It's good.
ANDRE
It's like useless Good Will Hunting.
KEVIN
It's still not fair.
PETE
Just wait. Hold on.
TACO
You just got a great kicker.
PETE
One more move, and it's done. Do we have a deal. [Everyone agrees] Sukkot pact 2011, all in?
EVERYONE ELSE
All in.
1
TACO
What did I tell you? Hot girl, Volkswagen Jetta. It's a law, like water or dinosaurs.
KEVIN
Not one of those things is a law, Taco.
0
ANDRE
Let me buy you a drink, on me.
TACO
No, no, that's cool, man. I don't pay for drinks here. The bartender's my eskimo brother. What's up, T-Bag? Can I get the usual?
ANDRE
What's an... eskimo brother?
TACO
Eskimo brother—when two guys had sex with the same girl, they're eskimo brothers. You have to know what your eskimo family tree is. That's how you get things done.
ANDRE
Is that like your platinum card?
TACO
How do you guys get things done?
PETE
We have jobs.
ANDRE
We went to college.
PETE
Yeah, we make money and we purchase things.
TACO
You guys are weird.
0
TACO
In my spare time, I like writing obituaries.
RUXIN
Excuse me?
TACO
Obituaries for you guys.
KEVIN
Your hobby is imagining what you're going to write when we die?
TACO
You guys don't do this?
ANDRE
No.